Teenage brother

[kalsoom]

My younger brother who is 17 yrs. old is giving my mom very hard time. My dad went back to his country to take care of our sick grandmother. He won’t be back until she is better. My brother is hifzing quran. We never let him go to high school because the high schools in Chicago are very bad.

He is being home schooled. He doesn’t study at all, after coming from masjid, he plays xbox all day long. Doesn’t help with the house work at all. He fights and argues with everyone everyday. He doesn’t listen to anyone. He is very selfish. We don’t know how to handle him. He wants to do whatever he wants and doesn’t want anyone to interfere.

He is very interested in making bad friends and acting like them. Whenever he gets the chance, he sings and listens to rap music and tries to act like them. He watches TV all day long after coming from masjid. He bosses my youngest brother around and gets him in trouble every time. When I interfere, he hits me and gets me in trouble. My mom gets mad at me. We want to make him good Muslim, but it is very hard to do it in America.

He talks back and tries to be the dominant one in the arguments. He doesn’t respect anyone in the family. Now days, he is even raising his hands on his siblings and even on his mother. How can we, as the family, help him out?
My mom is very tired and upset with him. She can’t handle him. She has a high blood pressure; she can’t deal with him all the time. So sometimes, she ignores him and let him do whatever he wants.

What should we do with him? Is there any du`a we can read?

[Dread Pirate Ali]

My younger brother who is 17 yrs. old is giving my mom very hard time. My dad went back to his country to take care of our sick grandmother. He won’t be back until she is better. My brother is hifzing quran. We never let him go to high school because the high schools in Chicago are very bad.

He is being home schooled. He doesn’t study at all, after coming from masjid, he plays xbox all day long. Doesn’t help with the house work at all. He fights and argues with everyone everyday. He doesn’t listen to anyone. He is very selfish. We don’t know how to handle him. He wants to do whatever he wants and doesn’t want anyone to interfere.

He is very interested in making bad friends and acting like them. Whenever he gets the chance, he sings and listens to rape music and tries to act like them. He watches TV all day long after coming from masjid. He bosses my youngest brother around and gets him in trouble every time. When I interfere, he hits me and gets me in trouble. My mom gets mad at me. We want to make him good Muslim, but it is very hard to do it in America.

He talks back and tries to be the dominant one in the arguments. He doesn’t respect anyone in the family. Now days, he is even raising his hands on his siblings and even on his mother. How can we, as the family, help him out?
My mom is very tired and upset with him. She can’t handle him. She has a high blood pressure; she can’t deal with him all the time. So sometimes, she ignores him and let him do whatever he wants.

What should we do with him? Is there any du`a we can read?

I am probably not the person you want to hear from as a non muslim. but as I have had a similar problem perhaps my advice would be useful.

its time for tough love.
your mum (and dad, via phone/email) need to come up with a set of rules AND a set of forfeits.

the forfeits should start small and get bigger. your parents need to consider all possiblities including the worst case scenarios and plan forfeits accordingly. the ultimate sanction is of course losing a place to stay and access to financial support but should not include withdrawal of emotional support.

As your dads away your bro will need a male authority figure, as physically he is likely to be bigger tha your mum. An uncle/cousin would be good, but they have to buy into the rules / forfeits your mum and dad come up with and not rty to impose their own ideas. your bro needs clear guidlines and anything that bly#urs the will make it easier for him to ignore them all.

Good luck its not going to be easy over the next few months, but hope it gets better.

PS also remember that if your bro tries to put some of the blame on you, he is just looking for an excuse and its really not your fault.

stay strong stay safe.

[Dread Pirate Ali]

sorry also meant to add that before the rules and forfeits are introduced they need to be explained clearly by youir mum/male authority figure, so that he knows the consequences of his actions.

[StudentofIslam]

I dont know of any duas in paticular however the advice of Ali was good and May Allah SWT guide him to becoming a muslim and a great Daee :insh:

Also you might like to try to explain to him the consequences of not obeying your mother and father possibly telling him some Hadeeth on the matter. It might also be good to tell your mum to explain to him that if he continues with the same attitude then she should take his XBox away until he can behave himself.

Finally turn to Allah SWT duas do not have to be in Arabic, they can be in any language, turn to Allah with optional actions like Nafl Salaah (i.e 2 rakats of Salaatul Hajat or Tahajjud etc and at the end raise your hands and call on Allah with His beautiful names and bring yourself low to Allah explain that you are nothing in His eyes but that you require His help, that He is the one who has power over all things, he can make the night into day and the day into night, if He wanted he could destroy everything, He is the one who created Isa (AS) without a father and Adam (AS) without a mother also, He was the ones who is the most powerful, So call on Allah SWT with his most beautiful names and then ask him for your need, ask Him to guide your brother to make him a Muttaqi a pious man and someone who obeys Allah and His parents.

I will narrate a Hadith Qudsi to you :insh: it will give you some hope, I believe the true message of it is that ask Allah and He will give you, He is closer to you than your jugular vein, He loves you more than your mother and father.


On the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him), who said that the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said:
Our Lord (glorified and exalted be He) descends each night to the earth's sky when there remains the final third of the night, and He says: Who is saying a prayer to Me that I may answer it? Who is asking something of Me that I may give it him? Who is asking forgiveness of Me that I may forgive him?

It was related by al-Bukhari (also by Muslim, Malik, at-Tirmidhi and Abu Dawud).

In a version by Muslim the Hadith ends with the words:

And thus He continues till [the light of] dawn shines.

[MuhammadAmin]

This type of selfishness needs to be nipped in the bud.

The fellow needs to maybe hear this speech:

http://www.islamicmedia.com.au/napoleon.php
A riveting talk of how someone was raised amongst music, murderers and corruption, yet still was able to find his way through to the light of Islam from the darkness he once was in.

He needs talking to, and told in no uncertain terms that he has responsibilities and it is time he started to shape up to them or ship out. What is the point of going to the masjid if he is disrespectful to his mother and does not pull his own weight?

Does he know that Allah swt will 'destroy' him if he is disrespectful towards his mother..he will never be happy and life will become unberable for him unless he changes and makes amends.

Do you know the story of Uwais Qarni?

Find it and show it to your brother.

Uwais could have become a 'companion' (sahabi) of the messenger of Allah. He was in Yemen...however he remained in Yemen to look after his mother and never met the Prophet Muhammad pbuh. He could have ignored his mother and become a great 'follower' of the prophet pbhu.

Yet because of this...Uwais would only ask and Allah would give him...when Umar met him, he asked Uwais to pray for him and was told that the Prophet Muhammad had described Uwais to them.

[jinnzaman]

Have you tried kicking him out in the street and making him try and live on his own?

[Dawood82]

There was one poem floating around about mothers and their haqq (rights) on us. Maaaan... it made me cry and want to go kiss her feet.

Does anone know what I'm talking about? Maybe you can tie him down and read that to him... that is of course if he won't read it himself first. hehe

[suhayl]

Good points above Mashallah.

I believe that he needs a role model.

Someone that he can relate too - I used to be a youngster not too dissimilar to him. I was a nuisance to all. I wont go into the wrong things that I did as it is a sin to reveal a sin.

From experience, I suggest that a member of the Tabligh Jamaat come to meet him and take him on an outing for three days.

This is what changed by life totally. It brings awareness, responsibility and something to relate back too and gives you a focus in life.

This is only my suggestion.

[Dawood82]

Good points above Mashallah.

I believe that he needs a role model.

Someone that he can relate too - I used to be a youngster not too dissimilar to him. I was a nuisance to all. I wont go into the wrong things that I did as it is a sin to reveal a sin.

From experience, I suggest that a member of the Tabligh Jamaat come to meet him and take him on an outing for three days.

This is what changed by life totally. It brings awareness, responsibility and something to relate back too and gives you a focus in life.

This is only my suggestion.

I agree.

[godilali]

The work of tabligh is very active in Chicago. Perhaps you can get him in contact with some brothers from masjid nur or jame masjid.

[eTeacher]

My younger brother who is 17 yrs. old is giving my mom very hard time. My dad went back to his country to take care of our sick grandmother. He won’t be back until she is better. My brother is hifzing quran. We never let him go to high school because the high schools in Chicago are very bad.

He is being home schooled. He doesn’t study at all, after coming from masjid, he plays xbox all day long. Doesn’t help with the house work at all. He fights and argues with everyone everyday. He doesn’t listen to anyone. He is very selfish. We don’t know how to handle him. He wants to do whatever he wants and doesn’t want anyone to interfere.

He is very interested in making bad friends and acting like them. Whenever he gets the chance, he sings and listens to rap music and tries to act like them. He watches TV all day long after coming from masjid. He bosses my youngest brother around and gets him in trouble every time. When I interfere, he hits me and gets me in trouble. My mom gets mad at me. We want to make him good Muslim, but it is very hard to do it in America.

He talks back and tries to be the dominant one in the arguments. He doesn’t respect anyone in the family. Now days, he is even raising his hands on his siblings and even on his mother. How can we, as the family, help him out?
My mom is very tired and upset with him. She can’t handle him. She has a high blood pressure; she can’t deal with him all the time. So sometimes, she ignores him and let him do whatever he wants.

What should we do with him? Is there any du`a we can read?

How about discussing the issue with his Hifz teacher? I'm sure that will help. I was a teacher at CPSA in Lombard for four years. Do I know him? Did he ever study at CPSA?

Salam,
Nazim
www.xanga.com/emam

[UmmIbrahimIsa]

Assalamu alaikum wr wb


He is being home schooled. He doesn’t study at all, after coming from masjid, he plays xbox all day long. Doesn’t help with the house work at all. He fights and argues with everyone everyday. He doesn’t listen to anyone. He is very selfish. We don’t know how to handle him. He wants to do whatever he wants and doesn’t want anyone to interfere.

Perhaps that is the problem right there. He doesn't want to be home schooled so he is rebelling. Yes schools can be bad in certain areas but right now from the things he's doing, could he be better off in there? Perhaps this is his way to test you to see how far he can push you to let him go to school.

Also it could be he gets a lot of pressure from his hifz teacher. Allahu Alim. Perhaps they put a lot of stress/pressure on him that when he gets home all he wants to do is relax a bit. sometimes pushing someone so hard even for the sake of wanting them to be a better muslim sometimes can cause him to go the other way.
Think about this for a moment, what is the reason he is in this hifz program? Is it so he can truly become a better Muslim for himself? Or to show off in the community that he has memorized the Qur'an and can now teach it to others? Even though this is not what he believes or practices in his heart?

Perhaps start small and dont be critical of him. Yet listen to him. When I say listen to him, I mean listen to him on what is going on with him. Like there could be issues he's facing and he has no one to talk to about it at all and is afraid that no one will understand him and this could be why he's frustrated.

Threatening him with punishments won't help, it'll just push him to rebel more and push him further away.



He is very interested in making bad friends and acting like them. Whenever he gets the chance, he sings and listens to rap music and tries to act like them. He watches TV all day long after coming from masjid. He bosses my youngest brother around and gets him in trouble every time. When I interfere, he hits me and gets me in trouble. My mom gets mad at me. We want to make him good Muslim, but it is very hard to do it in America.

This is another test of his to see how far he can go and how far you'll let him go.
Depending on what kind rap he's listening to, perhaps asking him to tone it down. Cutting it off completely won't help as he'll do it secretly and it's better he do it publicly in front of you then do it behind your back.
Perhaps set limits that he can only play xbox for one hour, and he can only watch t.v. for one hour. Perhaps let him listen to music yet introduce him to islamic nasheeds, qasidahs and get brothers from the masjid to invite him on sport outings. Get him involved in some sports for him to get his frustrations out.
Even get him a blog so he can vent it all out there rather than take it out on his family.

I also think you guys need to lay off on the pressure on him and not expect way too much of him.
He's seventeen afterall and putting so much on him at this time can cause him to lose control.


He talks back and tries to be the dominant one in the arguments. He doesn’t respect anyone in the family. Now days, he is even raising his hands on his siblings and even on his mother. How can we, as the family, help him out?

Another test. Perhaps his teacher or the kids around him talk back to their elders and this is what he's seeing and picking up on. See how the attitude is in the teacher and the way they teach. Is their methods to your standards? strict? not?
When he raises his hands towards you in anger, immediately tell him to stop. Use your hand to block him from socking you. If you guys take self defense classes you can learn to defend yourself. Perhaps that's what he needs is a good wake up call.



My mom is very tired and upset with him. She can’t handle him. She has a high blood pressure; she can’t deal with him all the time. So sometimes, she ignores him and let him do whatever he wants.
What should we do with him? Is there any du`a we can read?

I can imagine that she is very tired with dealing with him and upset that it's not going as according to plan. But life is all about ups and downs and bad and good times. She should try to be patient but as well as come to an understanding of what her son could be going through in what you're trying to get him to accomplish. Perhaps talk to him, and I mean sit down and talk to him about everything, get everything out in the open and on the table.
Set up rules in the house, and say it has to be followed or else. The else consequences can be for every time you misbehave you will be fined $.50 cents and this money will be donated to a charitable cause. Any time he talks back, swears, hits, is rude and such he'll be charged 50 cents on a 1st, 2nd offense.
If he keeps doing it, then you can increase the rate to 1 dollar and so forth.

She shouldn't give up in dealing with him because that's what he wants.
maybe he should take a break from it all and re-think on what he wants to do with his life for real, for himself without the pressures of the family expecting too much for him.

Remember he's a kid and let him live as a kid because once you're grown that's it you can't go back to that youth and he doesnt want to lose his youth before trying out the youth experiences.

I know you're trying to do the best thing you feel is right for your brother, but sometimes letting nature take its course is better than losing him altogether.

Insha'Allah things will be ok.
take care

[UmmIbrahimIsa]

Wanted to add, that during the winter breaks there are usually deen intensive retreats for brothers and MYNA programs for brothers his age.

Perhaps he can join that, participate in that as well as sport outings.

He just needs a good influence in his life as well as someone who can be there for him and someone he can trust and count on. Perhaps too many people let him down and he lost trust and lost hope in them. Perhaps he has given up on himself because everyone else around him has given up on him.

I mean look at it this way, this one kid gets perfect marks all the time. He comes home with A's and his test scores are usually 95, 96, 98, 99.

Instead of praising the child for such a great job accomplishment at the hard work. What does the parent do?
They worry about those other marks he didn't get, such as he got a 95, so they ask about the other 5 that he didn't get and why?
he gets a 99 and he misses it out of 1 and they complain to him that he should have gotten it all and should know better.
one kid gets all perfect, yet instead of saying great job, they ask why his handwriting is so messy.

Why are the parents putting so much pressure on their child?

My sons regardless of their marks I never say why don't you guys get perfect marks, even if they end up missing some I say masha'Allah at least you tried your best and that's good enough for me.
People might disagree with me on that but I feel that if you put too much pressure on your children, they just don't want to be happy children anymore.
They'll be frustrated all the time, they'll suffer from low self-esteem and have low insecurities. They just won't want to participate in anything because no one believes in them enough for them to try.

Sometimes they'll rebel in hopes to get attention, sometimes they'll be frustrated because no one understands them truly. And I mean truly understand them.

Have you tried to sit down and ask your brother, what's wrong?

Was there ever a time in where you and your brother would talk about life in general? It could be anywhere from how's the weather to what kind of sports he's into?

WHen you're listening to your brother talk about his problems or issues or anything, just try to pick up on the tone of his voice, the way he's speaking, the attitude, the hand gestures if he has any, if he's nervous, scared, or whatever.

Is there any past abuse that has happened to him? Try to pick up on that and see.
My main advice though would be to talk to him and to really listen to his issues.

All the stuff you described is to say he needs HELP and he needs it right now.
This is his only way to get your attention and it seems as if kids want to get their parents attention they have to misbehave in order for the parents to give them the time of day.

Allahu Alim
Good luck.

[Live for Islam]

Sending him for (Tablighi) Jamaat for 3 days first, then 40 days, would Insha-Allah be very beneficial.

Also, get rid of the T.V. completely.

The reasons why our kids are going wrong these days and are tempting towards wrong, is because of what they watch on the television. We give our kids the worse possible "friend", and then suffer when they go wrong. Get rid of the television, monitor/restrict their time on the internet... DO NOT give them mobile phones until they show an understanding of how to utilise it in appropriate manner and if you are sure they won't misuse it.

It's not an easy task bringing up children especially living in the West, but this responsibility that we have can be made so much easier if we followed the Sunnah of Nabi :saw: and the commands of Allah.

Try talking to your brother in a gentle manner, advise him kindly.

May Allah make things easy for you & your family, and may He grant us all the tawfeeq to be good to our parents. Ameen.

[kalsoom]

[QUOTE=MuhammadAmin;148006]This type of selfishness needs to be nipped in the bud.

The fellow needs to maybe hear this speech:

http://www.islamicmedia.com.au/napoleon.php
A riveting talk of how someone was raised amongst music, murderers and corruption, yet still was able to find his way through to the light of Islam from the darkness he once was in.
QUOTE]

I'm going to put this website on my desktop so he can see it when he goes online.

[kalsoom]

There was one poem floating around about mothers and their haqq (rights) on us. Maaaan... it made me cry and want to go kiss her feet.

Does anone know what I'm talking about? Maybe you can tie him down and read that to him... that is of course if he won't read it himself first. hehe

that was funny. let me know if you find it. ok

[kalsoom]

Have you tried kicking him out in the street and making him try and live on his own?

i know for sure my mom won't ever do that.

[kalsoom]

Good points above Mashallah.

From experience, I suggest that a member of the Tabligh Jamaat come to meet him and take him on an outing for three days.

This is only my suggestion.


The work of tabligh is very active in Chicago. Perhaps you can get him in contact with some brothers from masjid nur or jame masjid.


He does go to tabligh jamaat with his dad and sometimes alone

[kalsoom]

How about discussing the issue with his Hifz teacher? I'm sure that will help. I was a teacher at CPSA in Lombard for four years. Do I know him? Did he ever study at CPSA?

Salam,
Nazim
www.xanga.com/emam


When I will talk to my mom, I will emphasize on telling his teacher about this problem.

[kalsoom]

Assalamu alaikum wr wb

Remember he's a kid and let him live as a kid because once you're grown that's it you can't go back to that youth and he doesnt want to lose his youth before trying out the youth experiences.

I know you're trying to do the best thing you feel is right for your brother, but sometimes letting nature take its course is better than losing him altogether.

Insha'Allah things will be ok.
take care

We decided to let him hifz quran because the kids around him were very bad in elementary school. They were worest than him. Going to high school would be asking him to join them in their bad behavior and activities. some of the kids are on streets now.
He talks all the time with my mom about his life. He wants to hang out with his friends and my mom doesn't trust or like the kids of the neighborhood. So she won't send him out side with kids she doesn't know. He is allowed to go to his friends house, who we know. She doesn't want to take any chances of him getting in serious trouble.
In the family, he is the only one who gets to do whatever he wants. He picks the cartoon movies, the games, the places where they go to play, and the things he wants to do. He gets to invite his friends over. Every time we do something, it’s always about him. He does chores when ever he feels like it or else he won’t move. He is very self-centered.

[kalsoom]

Wanted to add....to really listen to his issues.

All the stuff you described is to say he needs HELP and he needs it right now.
This is his only way to get your attention and it seems as if kids want to get their parents attention they have to misbehave in order for the parents to give them the time of day.

Allahu Alim
Good luck.


I understand what you are trying to say. My mom talks to him all the time. She listens to his problems. Just couple of hours ago, he was asking my mom if he can go play game with his friends. My mom asked him which friends and he won’ tell.
How can she let him go with kids she doesn’t know? My mom doesn’t trust the kids of the neighborhood. He said he will go without her permission. To scare him my mom left a message on my dad’s cell. And to get back at my mom he said he will lie about my mom to my dad. I know this is getting crazy.

I used to talk to him, until our talks started to end in arguments. I can’t stand him any more. He and I don’t get along at all. Whenever he and my mom are having arguments, and I yell in the middle for him to respect my mom. The whole thing turns against me and I get in trouble for no reason.

He was never abused. He was scolded for his behavior in the past for making bad friends in the elementary school. In our family, no one is allowed to touch anyone while arguing or fighting. But this was the first time he raised his hands on me.

[suhayl]

Was he always like this? Or is this a fairly recent thing?

Has his character dramatically changed or has this change been forecoming?

If it has been forecoming... years? months? weeks? days?

[UmmIbrahimIsa]

I understand what you are trying to say. My mom talks to him all the time. She listens to his problems. Just couple of hours ago, he was asking my mom if he can go play game with his friends. My mom asked him which friends and he won’ tell.
How can she let him go with kids she doesn’t know? My mom doesn’t trust the kids of the neighborhood. He said he will go without her permission. To scare him my mom left a message on my dad’s cell. And to get back at my mom he said he will lie about my mom to my dad. I know this is getting crazy.

Perhaps she talks to him more rather than really listening to his problems.
Perhaps there should be trust there rather than mistrust and suspicion. If you guys are always going to assume the worst in him and that he's always doing bad then he's going to show you just how bad he can get.

Maybe your mom can invite his friends over to eat. Even if these kids are supposedly bad kids, they were once good kids and probably because they were abandoned as children they became bad kids. You can't blame them for that rather if you invite them to islam, meaning invite them to eat that they'll become influenced in a good way rather in a bad way.
Perhaps you and your mom shouldn't look at the neighborhood as a bad neighborhood rather see the good in it.
Using black mail and threats will not always solve anything and to use that to get your way won't work either.
Also your dad will know the truth by honestly asking the truth, and will they be both willing to lie just to get each other into trouble?
Are you saying that your bro is really that evil?


I used to talk to him, until our talks started to end in arguments. I can’t stand him any more. He and I don’t get along at all. Whenever he and my mom are having arguments, and I yell in the middle for him to respect my mom. The whole thing turns against me and I get in trouble for no reason.

Perhaps you're not seeing his side of things or really listening to what is going on in his life which is why it turns into arguments because you just don't understand or want to understand.
Guys are different from girls, and all their issues are completely different.
It's not easy growing up here in Canada/America. No one ever said it was easy but it's also not very very hard. With you indicating that you can't stand him anymore perhaps he knows that which is why he is upset about that.
Another thing perhaps you need the both of them to settle this issue without involving the entire family into it. By budding your nose in where it doesn't belong even though you want the best intention/interests for them is always not the best thing to do, especially in a sensitive case like this.



He was never abused. He was scolded for his behavior in the past for making bad friends in the elementary school. In our family, no one is allowed to touch anyone while arguing or fighting. But this was the first time he raised his hands on me.


Are you sure about that? Is that a guarantee that he was never abused? Were you with him 100% 24/7 all the time never giving him a breath of fresh air or space?

I'm sure he was abused somewhere and some time in his past and this is his way to deal with it. It could be anywhere from neglect abuse, emotional, physical and sexual. He could be harmed emotionally someone calling him useless or good for nothing or worthless piece of **** which is what some parents often say astagfiruAllah. And sometimes it can be physical from beatings to slaps and punches and locking the kids in the room and not letting them go anywhere or do anything and they say, 'just focus on reading qur'an and praying. That's your goal, that's all you should do. No play, no fun. This is your fun.' This is also wrong.

Also what needs to happen is all these people whom you think are bad influences on your brother needs to be invited to the house for some grub.
As you slowly feed them and talk to them, and just let them hang out at your place under your supervision perhaps you'll see that they are kids too with needs and they just need to be understood.

I don't really believe there are bad kids out there, but more likely bad parents that perhaps didn't know better and that didn't teach their kids at all or just didn't properly care for them. These kids were forced to learn to depend on themselves and learn to take care of themselves. They lose trust to their elders and yes some react badly but that's only because it's our own fault because we just didn't give them a chance.

I'm sure if you guys truly listened to your bro on what is going on his life, he'll indicate to you about it.

As suhayl has suggested, when did this bad side of him show? Because my main guess here is that he was abused somewhere and thsi is his way of letting it all out.

[MuhammadAmin]

<He was scolded for his behavior in the past for making bad friends in the elementary school. In our family, no one is allowed to touch anyone while arguing or fighting. But this was the first time he raised his hands on me.>

I could be wrong, but in my experience some Muslim parents are not really very good at parenting, they seem to think they were put on the earth to be consumers of expensive goods and products, and to work for the dunya, they largely neglect their children in persuit of wealth and prestige.

I wish I knew your brother and I could be his friend......I would be a sincere friend who would help him to see the reality insha-Allah....sometimes people need to take time out...get out of the environment maybe as a family spend some time together, get to know one another again...take him away from his social group and friends....go west learn horse riding or something...what a buzz that would be.

[kalsoom]

As suhayl has suggested, when did this bad side of him show? Because my main guess here is that he was abused somewhere and thsi is his way of letting it all out.

This behavior started when he was in seventh grade. This is what I don't understand, who would abuse him. I remember the only thing he did was going to school, come back eat and go out side to play until our parens came back from work. I was responsible for taking care of my brothers. Could it be other kids outside abused him? Right now, I am feeling as if it is my fault some how.

[UmmIbrahimIsa]

This behavior started when he was in seventh grade. This is what I don't understand, who would abuse him. I remember the only thing he did was going to school, come back eat and go out side to play until our parens came back from work. I was responsible for taking care of my brothers. Could it be other kids outside abused him? Right now, I am feeling as if it is my fault some how.


Well you are saying back then he went to school, is it possible that someone in the school there abused him?
Is he involved in any sports that he's not doing anymore?

It could be other kids that are abusing him, though my guess it could be someone older perhaps another authority figure and he's just mad at everyone else around him because no one saved him or protected him.

IT is sad if he was abused because then you have to figure out from where it was. He might blame himself for it too and might feel ashamed.
Allahu Alim
I don't know him nor do I know the school he went to or anything so it would be hard to say. But from all the signs you said about him and problems it seems to me that it started from one place and from there this is his way to deal with it.

[nik61]

I believe that he needs a role model.


The Holy Prophet (pbuh) have clearly stated in a hadith that , " a person is of the religion of his close friend"
Besides duas and advices, a role model, one he could look up to is very important indeed. It'll be sad to let him waste his days just like that without any benefits for him in the hereafter. The Muslim youth is an asset to the Muslim ummah. We need to utilize them carefully so that they will be beneficial to themselves and also the ummah. I pray that Allah SWT will ease your burden and may all you efforts be fruitful.

My shaykh once said in a poem of his:

We grow older moment by moment
Time passes by with no return
With every breath we take, we decline further
Minute by minute, from minute to second....

It moves faster each time
Eroding our lifetime, flashing by
From seconds to days, it accelerates
Our age moves even further....

From days to weeks, our age getting further
What's gone there's none to recover
What's gone is gone, what's coming will decrease further
From weeks to months, our age moving even faster

Gone with no chance of another meet
What has gone definitely gone, no retreat
From months to years
Oh dear, the age is getting futher....

From year to year it accelerates rapidly
That's how our age advanced, every second it decreases in quantity
We feel as if our lifetime increases
It's diminishing, steadily diminishing, getting less and less
We feel as if we have a longer time to live

We are in the world of fantasy
As we feel our our lifetime is prolonged

Suddenly, DEATH appears....

Then, we are shocked with what we see
Our supplies are not ready
Regrets for eternity, endlessly

[talemul_haq]

As'salaam Wa'alikum,

Auzubilah himnashatanirajeem...simply...the best. Insh'allah read that and blow it on it and do dua for him that allah gives him hidiyaa

..u said Chicago, If he isnt "spiritiually" changing for the better where he is attending...may it is time for a change in setting..check out other schools where he may do hifz..and get a spiritual boost

Have u thought of sending him abroad liketo ENgland for example? they ahve a lot of hardcore really nice boys madrassahs there where they implent the deen and as well as having dunyabi ( worldly) eucation offered...look into and trust in ALlah and keep praying to ALlah to guide and cool ur brothers temper.

wa'alikum As'salaam.

[Nayab]

Aside from prayers, what he really needs is a fatherly figure who he can relate to easily and estalblish a close relationship, share his problems, and who can guide him in the right direction. If your father can comeback and fullfil his obligations, thats great. However if your father cannot establish a close relationship with your brother at this crucial stage, I'm afraid he might not be able to handle him either.

The reason why many teenagers become rebellious is because they're ignored by their parents for long periods of time, and parents dont keem their personal life in check constantly thereby keeping them cornered in isolation. as a result the kids start building animosity inside, it accumulates over time and there comes a time they have to let it out, therefore they become rebellious as a consequence towards people with authority, which includes parents, teachers, police, etc.

May Allah make it easier for you. ameen.

[kalsoom]

Thanks everyone

I have tried to not be so hard on him. We can't send him abroad or change his madrasa. He will be dealing with people everywhere he goes.
My dad is extremely strict. He is the type who wants others to follow his order all the time or he will not tolerate it. So, our family doesn't talk about this kind of stuff with him. He is very doubtful man, so we rather not bother him. I feel as if its my responsibility to deal with this issue because I am mostly home with my siblings.
Why can’t the madrasa’s teachers teach their students about things like this. Why do they only focus on the reciting the quran. They should discuss and talk to teenage kids about this stuff and help them understand Islam better. Right?

[user expired!]

assalaamualikum,

hav u tried being his friend? why dont u buy him a gift and say ur sorry for shouting at him all the time but tell him that u are afraid that something has happened to him due to his change of behavior(the guilt trick), then on the weekend take him out for a daytrip for example bowling, bumpercar driving ask him wat he wants?

and i believe he might need to get more freedom as he now going thru the stage of thinking he is 'the man 'and boys need to feel independent and all grown up so giv him his space.

[UmmIbrahimIsa]

Thanks everyone

Why can’t the madrasa’s teachers teach their students about things like this. Why do they only focus on the reciting the quran. They should discuss and talk to teenage kids about this stuff and help them understand Islam better. Right?

Because they're not experienced in that. They're more experienced in teaching people to memorize the Qur'an. It's like if you wanted to get your eyes checked you're not going to go to your regular doctor but an eye specialist or an eye doctor. If you experience back ache due to injury you go to a physical therapist.
So perhaps these teachers are not qualified in the sense of talking to the kids about issues that go on in the society or be able to relate to their issues. Depending on where most of them grew up it's hard for one to know how it's like to be a certain age and growing up here with so many restrictions without explainations.

There are some parents that don't teach their kids about islam until they reach puberty. Everything before that was a party, after that they're told to change because they're muslim. Well, weren't they always Muslim? Why start now?
Always the kids end up asking why now, and not when we were young from the start?
Also it's good to keep up with what's going on in the society meaning in the school system and with people of that age because they go through real issues and real problems.
And sometimes they just need someone to listen to them even if their problems are not so a big deal to you, to them it's everything.

[UmmIbrahimIsa]

Also if they're being paid, they're only being paid to get them to memorize not to talk to them about these things.

[UmmIbrahimIsa]

assalaamualikum,

hav u tried being his friend? why dont u buy him a gift and say ur sorry for shouting at him all the time but tell him that u are afraid that something has happened to him due to his change of behavior(the guilt trick), then on the weekend take him out for a daytrip for example bowling, bumpercar driving ask him wat he wants?

and i believe he might need to get more freedom as he now going thru the stage of thinking he is 'the man 'and boys need to feel independent and all grown up so giv him his space.

I don't think getting gifts for him will solve anything except give him the message that he can get away with his behavior if he's getting rewarded for it.

Though taking him out to do what he wants as long as it's not out of the folds of islam is a good idea. Also to get freedom one has to earn the trust, in order to earn the trust they have to know that it's not a right but a privilege to be able to go out.

yes there are kids that get to do whatever they want. But deep down those kids wish they had parents that cared an ounce about them. Those kids wished their parents would do something to pay attention to them, which is why most kids go out and cause troublei n the first place because they want to send a message out, a strong one to say 'mom, dad, I need your help.'

So don't give into his demands or requests but do let him know that when the time is right and he starts to show some respect to his elders than he'll be happier about himself and others around him.
Happier in the sense that he'll have to earn to do things if he wants to be trusted. and if a trust is lost due to this behavior this could be the excuse given.

Allahu Alim

[eTeacher]

Maybe you should tell your brother to read this whole thread....

[kalsoom]

assalaamualikum,

hav u tried being his friend? why dont u buy him a gift and say ur sorry for shouting at him all the time but tell him that u are afraid that something has happened to him due to his change of behavior(the guilt trick), then on the weekend take him out for a daytrip for example bowling, bumpercar driving ask him wat he wants?

and i believe he might need to get more freedom as he now going thru the stage of thinking he is 'the man 'and boys need to feel independent and all grown up so giv him his space.

Yeah right! Buy him a gift and say that i am sorry? are you kidding me:D . I was only doing my job.

uh, I don't know I will think about it:confused:

[kalsoom]

Maybe you should tell your brother to read this whole thread....

If I do that, I will end up never using the computer or the internet for the rest of my life. Well, I won't be living with them for the rest of my life anyways.

[Omar HH]

Alot of people are like this or go through this. I can relate directly to some of this stuff from my and other families. The only solution is to instil true iman in his heart so that he has taqwa. If he doesn't believe in the religion, he won't take its threats seriously, and so he will not act accordingly. You should go to a Shaykh and a Muslim family counselor and have a joint session.

[Neyzen]

assalamu alaikum

may Allah help you amin

but there are a few things i wanna ask; does your brother wanna learn by heart the quran? or you just want him to do so. In this kinda issues, you should let him to decide himself. I know some hafizul qurans who drink alcohol and havving a bad adab. It is cause of the enviroment they had as they were learning by heart the quran. Teachers would use force them to learn Quran. You should just approach him with love. He is a having a phase now. His father should talk to him and hang out with him. if he does not want to be a hafizul quran, there is no use to force him to do so. He should do the things he wants.

massalamaah

[kalsoom]

I know him. He wouldn't do anything if he doesn't want to. His teachers are happy and proud of him, but that’s not the problem. The problem is his behavior at home. He is doing well in his madrasa, but I think there are other kids who come from high school for evening classes at his madrasa. And may be he is getting influenced by them. He does get influenced very easily, that’s for sure. If he sees someone who looks "cool", he would do the same.

[SomeGuySeekingKnowledge]

I know him. He wouldn't do anything if he doesn't want to. His teachers are happy and proud of him, but that’s not the problem. The problem is his behavior at home. He is doing well in his madrasa, but I think there are other kids who come from high school for evening classes at his madrasa. And may be he is getting influenced by them. He does get influenced very easily, that’s for sure. If he sees someone who looks "cool", he would do the same.

Hey if those kids are coming from a high school, why not send your brother to a high school too?

My personal opinion is that home schooling does not work.

[tijaarat]

saalamAlaikum,
I agree that teachers should not just teach Quran but character also. maybe ask your mom to talk to teacher and explain situation.
Honestly, brothers at age 17 are not completely in their senses, they havent seen reality yet. I know soo many brothers who were in their gangsta stage when they were young but as time went by, they became serious.

-One suggestion that I know would help is ask him to financially contribute to the house.
Tell your mom to ask him to go work and pay some bills or else we cant have internet etc. Make it look like the family actually needs money.
Tell him as being the man of the house, he should help out. Having a job helps an individual a lot especially his selfesteem and he would see how the real world looks like.
-One thing everyone hates is not to be acknowledged. Show recognition when your brother actually does something. Nobody likes to be criticized constantly, it damages their self esteem.
If they are criticized all the time, then they actually start thinking they are useless and perpetuate that behaviour all the more to get more attention.
Trust me, small words such as Thank you or I appreciate this go a long way.
Hope this helps
saalam

[ahmedwael]

Firstly you can encourage him him to study by for example 1 hours of studying is worth 1 hour of xbox. And he needs to recall what he learned in that hour of studying. Try also to let him learn more qura'an "faina al qura'ana hidaya"

You must also try to sit with him talk to him face to face man to man, maybe that could work something out.


Good luck my brother

[maymunah]

ur brother sounds just like some of my teen brothers. it's a phase they go through being rebellious, it can be friends but i think it's usually hormones. they get to this stage where they think they're old enough and should be allowed to do what they want when they want. If that's the attitude then give him some real responsibilities. if he thinks he's an adult then he should be given adult responsibilities. As someone suggested make him get a weekend job, and contribute to the house. He will feel important, it will give him self confidence, and hopefully he might value money and his parents a little more.

Make him do chores and if he refuses confiscate some of his luxuries i.e xbox, tv, internet. i mean he didn't pay for these things, these things never fell out of the sky, it's about time he lost the spoilt attitude, he is wrapped up in cotton wool, just like my brothers were. i can now see this same kind of behaviour in my nephew and he's only 6 yrs old. My sis doesn't seem to understand they're to blame for spoiling him with material goods, and letting him do as he pleases without any discipline being enforced early enuff.

As for him getting physical this needs to be nipped in the bud asap. He needs to know it is not acceptable.

I don't know about you but i remember being a kid and teen. They love to socialise, to be with friends. The fact that he is not only homeschooled but only permitted to visit one friend is definately exacerbating the problem. He must feel like he is suffocating. while most other teens are socialising he's denied this basic right. Like Umm Ibrahim suggested invite his friends over for dinner then you'll know what their characters are really like. You may find they're not all "bad".

Umm Ibrahim made many excellent suggestions as always. I always read her posts avidly so i can apply them to my son, i'm a new mother she seems very well experienced ;)