Have You Earned Your Love As A Parent?

[MHU]

As Salam Alaikum

The title of this post may seem quite offensive and rational to some people but it is not what you think. The question we all need to step back and ask ourselves is if we have respected, loved and obeyed our parents to the extent that we wish to recieve from our own children??? Have we taken care to our parents in their younger and older age?? Or have we abandoned them into their own domains with nothing to look foward to but the time to sleep. A survey was done by a Muslim group on the matter, with over 120,000 people surveyed. That is a significant number to get a wide impression. Sadly here are the results:

Would You Ever Want To Live Your Own Life Without Your Parents???

21% - Already Do Live Without Them
18% - Never Would Leave Them
49% - Thinking About It (Lean Towards Seperating)
10% - Thinking About It (Lean Towards Staying Together)
2% - Glad They Are Gone

These numbers are sad and the number one factor that was common among all these was one thing, and one thing only, a spousal problem. This means that either the husband or wife had a problem with the husband's or wife's parents. This is not a way we want to be treated but it is so common that something needs to be done. We have to start thinking of working out things rather than to walking away from them.

Walaikum As Salam

[maymunah]

if it's due to problems with spouses then scholars recommend that married couples move out into their own accomodation rather than remaining under the same roof as the parents. married couples need their privacy and not all of them flourish under the watchful gazes of the in laws. Some work out great, but those which are not really should get their own place this is no sin. But cultural values seem to prevent this from happening and often ppl would rather divorce than have their dear sons move away from them. I don't agree with this divorce should be avoided at all costs even over cultural matters. Get a house nearby your parents that's always the next best thing, especially if you are the only son left to care for your parents.

[UmmIbrahimIsa]

Assalamu alaikum wr wb

I also think that despite it's our duty to watch after our parents and take care of them in their old age as they looked after us when were young that we need to remember that despite Allah says to obey your parents and take care of them. He never said to live with them forever in the household.

You can still look after your parents by living close by or even providing for them their own place elsewhere. There's nothing that says that you have to live under the same roof. You can even live next door to each other, them having their own space and place and you having yours.

I do agree that each other's spouses have a hard time adjusting to their in laws. Usually the in laws expect to live a certain way and can't except any other way. It is hard for a daughter in law to live in a house in where her husband and his family have certain rules, cook, clean everything top to bottom, wipe a certain way, cook a certain food with this exact measurement of spices. Despite you're taught one way, it's when you're married you have to do it their way or no way.
So much problems are caused as a result of it and I think is it really worth it?

Just come to a compromise rather than both remaining stubborn and ignorant and remaining that no i'm right you're wrong type of attitude.

I see my sons telling me how they're going to live with me forever and I laugh telling them that their wives probably wouldn't appreciate it which they said they don't care. I said, you'll change your mind in a few years it's different now because you're young but when you get older you'll understand a lot more and see us in a different light.

I sure hope I don't give my daughters in laws a hard time about anything. I also don't think it will cause good relationships if families all live together in one place. You hardly get your own privacy at all.

I remember one family all living together in one house. The sister had a hard time because her brother in laws lived there too, and she had to observe hijab all the time. She could only remove it in her bedroom, in her bed at night. But, the entire day she had to wear it. Even if she was in her room sometimes she had to wear it, because she wasn't allowed to close the door during the day and her inlaws were always making demands. It was only after a long time that they got their own place that things got better. But, in the beginning it was hard for her.
I don't recommend this at all.

[MHU]

Yes, I think that too but honestly MALES or Husbands need to really step it up a nouch. Seriously.....they have to be able to compromise and come to decisions that terms and neutral levels can be made. Terms in which PRIVACY, polite behaviour and respect for each other is present. I think if PROPER....i repeat.....PROPER efforts are made to try to make things work.....and still there are problems, then move out, it shouldnt be the FIRST option.

Yeah...thatz okay if we are dealing with the GUYZ parents but what if the vice versa works out?

I have a friend who currently has NO family of his own so his Mother in law moved in with him and his wife, as she has no one else either. So now his mother in law is just a pain to him, what should be done in this matter?

[Cloud_Strife]

I think a lot of these problems are caused by sisters.
I know of some women who are so jealous subhan'Allah,they try to get the husband all to themselves, to the point that even the husband's sister can't come and visit him...

[UmmIbrahimIsa]

I have a friend who currently has NO family of his own so his Mother in law moved in with him and his wife, as she has no one else either. So now his mother in law is just a pain to him, what should be done in this matter?

Assalamu alaikum wr wb

Maybe he should talk to her and try to see why she dislikes him or is a pain to him?

However if he starts doing his hubby duties and son in law duties than she might not be a pain. Maybe she's testing him to see his reaction and how he'll act and how much patience he'll have.

Allahu Alim

[UmmIbrahimIsa]

I think a lot of these problems are caused by sisters.
I know of some women who are so jealous subhan'Allah,they try to get the husband all to themselves, to the point that even the husband's sister can't come and visit him...


Assalamu alaikum wr wb

You cannot blame all the fault at the sisters. That is unfair and not true at all. In all honestly it can be blamed on both parts rather than just one gender alone.
If both cannot come to an agreement or a compromise then they'll have a hard time adjusting. Also a married couple is suppose to accept each other's faults and overlook them rather than point them out. Sometimes we see something we dislike and we try to change them when it's better to admire the good qualities and overlook the bad ones.

I don't think the women are that much vile in being that jealous to keep the hubby to themselves. Afterall it is the wife's duty and rights to have her husband in her life. And if she is having issues with her in laws, than that sister in law and her should talk and really talk about what's going on.

Because if that sister in law doesn't realize that her bro is married and has a family now and a wife and a right to privacy and a right to spend time with his family than she needs to be told. So what if you cannot see your brother on a daily basis, it's not the end of the world. The same thing will happen when that sister gets married too and her husband would want her all to himself for a bit and the family is just going to have to understand.

Allahu Alim

[MHU]

Honestly, if a husband and wife are of good nature according the Islamic Shariah with each other and everyone in this world....then there is no real problem at all. If we just do things like our Prophet Muhammad (SAW) did then we can maintain such beautiful relationships.....it has worked for MANY couples i know and to top it off.......it has worked for me.

[mospike]

When my eldest brother rebelled against my dad and was really giving us a hard time like With drugs etc.... My dad said that unfortunately he was the same when he was young and his dad said to him 'Dont worry, one day you will have kids and you'll understand the problems and pains you are causing me'


Yeah,,, you know the old saying about history and how it repeats ....

[hafs]

Living with inlaws is not easy but it is very healthy for the family and the children .But often compromises cannot be made because one or more people are highly irrational in their thinking and will not change no matter what .The problems arise when inlaws want a tight control over the daughter in law and refuse to give her space within the house .Sometimes the daughterinlaw will not put up with the inlaws under any circumstance .In my experience this is very common and she makes the inlaws look bad to all and sundry. Sometimes the fault lies in both parties . Alot of the blame goes to the son who isn't wise in controlling the situation ,he either sides blindly with his wife or doesnt do anything to resolve the conflict.
Upbringing and values has alot to do with it , women of today don't compromise but want it all their way .

[UmmIbrahimIsa]

Assalamu alaikum wr wb

They say in the beginning it is better for you as a couple, newlyweds to live on your own without the rules of the in laws. if you are financially able than to live on your own. If after awhile you've gotten to know each other, and each other's families to then try. Yet it's not really recommended for in laws to live with the couple as not to cause fitnah, from both parties, not just solely on them but on both parties.

Allahu Alim

[MHU]

Well, even though I havent hit that marriage circle yet, I have BEEEN giving useful marriage advice to people all around. I get emails from distant relatives all the time about stuff like this......and usually my tactics work. If the matter is within my own family even if it maybe a really really distant relation like a 4th cousin or something like that....I usually step in myself also. Yeah, I know some families wouldnt like that, but I have yet......Alhamdulilah to actually not be able to work something out. Lol...btw.......all those tough in laws can be broken......they just need someone to do it.

[nauk]

The whole move in with in-laws etc... gives impression that your parents are too weak to do anything for themselves. e.g. 90+ yrs old and invalids bound to their chair.

There are many parents hitting 60s and in good shape due to healthy lifestyle and don't require looking after too much just yet. They can walk to shops etc...

[maymunah]

it depends if parents need looking after or ur the only child and u maybe obliged to take care of ur parents?

I look after my mother in law, she has no one else, she's a widow and quite frail, her memory is also failing her. I don't think ppl like her should be left alone, why should they be when she spent half her life raising her son, only to be dumped in a care home?

But circumstances are different for each couple i know that. I was discussing with my husband if we reach old age we would prefer to live in our own house but on the same street as one of our kids so they can keep a regular eye on us, and also so we can see the grandchildren. This way we will retain our independence, and privacy for as long as our health permits, and they can have their privacy with their spouse without interference from us. This is what all my guji mates do, i think its a good idea.

If we do become ill and need taking care of then we think we would prefer our children to take us into their home, rather than leave us in a house which we can't get around in unassisted.