Disobedient Daughter

[saima786]

Assalam u alaikum brothers and sisters

my daughter has reached the age of 14 and is very disobedient. She swears at me and does not listen to me. She also talks to boys at school and on the phone. This is greatly distressing me and caused me to become ill.

Pls is there anything i can do or read such as duas or supplication.

I hope Allah subhaanawataalah give everyone a long life
Ameen

[Umme Maryam]

Assalam Alaikum! This fact can be most disturbing for parents--bringing up children is one of the most important reponsibility we are answerable for.
my quandary-is slightly different--- I have just seen my teenage nieces in the company of boys in a mall the other night abd that has disturbed me to no end -- perhaps the children guise the friendship under the term 'platonic' or whatever but this is definitely not done Asthaghfirullah-- and I am more worried as my daughter ( much younger than them) is very influenced by her cousins and may start to believe such things are cool! We are very strict with her on such things although we tell her that parents cannot be your watchdog day and night and you should restrain yourself from these things only because of fear of Allah alone. I fervently pray that she understands what we tell her and knows the right from wrong.. Inshallah!

But my question is... as an aunt, is it my duty to let the parents know about such incidents or does it become gheebah... also hiding other people's faults is recommended in Islam...so I am confused. Also I am definitely going to end up being a 'hateful aunt' for spoiling all the fun!! May Allah help us all.

[not known]

Assalam Alaikum! This fact can be most disturbing for parents--bringing up children is one of the most important reponsibility we are answerable for.
my quandary-is slightly different--- I have just seen my teenage nieces in the company of boys in a mall the other night abd that has disturbed me to no end -- perhaps the children guise the friendship under the term 'platonic' or whatever but this is definitely not done Asthaghfirullah-- and I am more worried as my daughter ( much younger than them) is very influenced by her cousins and may start to believe such things are cool! We are very strict with her on such things although we tell her that parents cannot be your watchdog day and night and you should restrain yourself from these things only because of fear of Allah alone. I fervently pray that she understands what we tell her and knows the right from wrong.. Inshallah!

But my question is... as an aunt, is it my duty to let the parents know about such incidents or does it become gheebah... also hiding other people's faults is recommended in Islam...so I am confused. Also I am definitely going to end up being a 'hateful aunt' for spoiling all the fun!! May Allah help us all.

:salam:

let her mom know, it is haraam to be with boys


Assalam u alaikum brothers and sisters

my daughter has reached the age of 14 and is very disobedient. She swears at me and does not listen to me. She also talks to boys at school and on the phone. This is greatly distressing me and caused me to become ill.

Pls is there anything i can do or read such as duas or supplication.

I hope Allah subhaanawataalah give everyone a long life
Ameen

:salam:

take off her phone and send her to " girls only " schools, if not available let her sit in home and study

i know u may say its difficult, bcoz u dont want to spoil career of ur daughter, but character is more important than career, so as a mom u should be bothered to save what is important

[xs11ax]

bolting the stable door after the horse has escaped???

the first step is to never have a television in the house from the beginning. you know.....the person who is sat in the corner of the main room in the house who has pride of place. who teaches our kids everything that we try to teach the opposite of......

also sending them to a place of fitnah 6 hours a day, 5 days a week were they are encouraged to do and learn things which are totally contrary to the quran and sunnah, where we have no control over them, where they are influenced by others of their peer group......state schools is detrimental to their tarbiyya.

take them to tabligh jamaat. away from the environment of fitnah and into an islamic environment. it may help inshallah.

[Abu_Bilal]

Getting rid of the television from one's house can solve a lot of problems.

[sky_blue]

Take her mobile phone it will solve many problems

[xs11ax]

Getting rid of the television from one's house can solve a lot of problems.

but once the damage has been done its not that easy to reverse the effects.

[* Madinah *]

Many parents are in the same situation as you sister Saima. This is a major problem in nearly every home.
May Allah help all young children growing up in these times of great fitnah. And more importantly, may Allah grant parents the understanding and wisdom to raise upright muslims, ameen.

[muftie idrees]

salaam,

firstly prior to disregarding all the gadgets which you think are bring all this confussion, kindly investigate as to what is the cause for this and you will then start taking action. at times you need to acknowledge that she is only in her teen years hence be there for her whilst she goes thru all the known steps but make sure you dont allow the stage to disrupt her from the good way of islam.

[BintHajj]

:salam:

Dear Sister;

I too have a 14 year old daughter. It can be confusing knowing how to continue to raise someone who is almost an adult, but Allah SWT is Most Merciful.

Alhamdulillah, my daughter has not gone down the road of becoming disrespectfull or interacting with boys. However, I did begin to see a problem with her attitude and her grades when she first started High School this year. All Praise is due to Allah SWT as all is now improved after some changes I have made with her. I am going to share them with you and hope they help you and your daughter as well InshaAllah.


1)Change yourself before you expect change in your child.

Be the woman you want your daughter to be. Make sure you make your salaah, read Quran, and fast. If you want your daughter to be respectful, make sure you show her how respectful you are towards your own mother and others. Include your daughter in your Ibadah. Pray with her. Read with her. Explain things to her. Share with her your love of Islam and hopefully, InshaAllah, she'll grow to enjoy this about you and the time you spend with her. Make sure you don't interact with men in a way you don't want your daughter to. Show her that it's superiour to do things in an Islamic way than how she see's in school, movies, & tv(as a previous posted stated). Which leads to #2:


2)No TV or limited & monitored TV.

I don't allow my daughter to just go watch tv anymore. She never watches it during the school week as I found she rushed through her work to get to watch something. Without that distraction she takes her time to do her work as she has nothing else to do. Also, I sit with her and only allow her to watch certain programs - mostly education documentaries and historical movies based on fact. I always interject an Islamic perspective into whatever is going on and how Allah SWT has power over all things.

3)No radio/CDs/MP3/iPod/etc.

I found that my daughter had a radio in her room, and had radio access on her cell phone. I took the radio and get the cell phone from her when she gets home from school. The music mostly talks disrespectfully about women, sex, or some fairytale romantic relationships. Girls(and boys) can get caught up in fantasizing about these things to music and forget reality - that these things are haram, and the marriage that Allah SWT has ordained for us as a lawful relationship is better than what is being sung about.

4)No cell phone except for contact with the parents while on the way to and from school.

My daughter made new friends and was calling them. Alhamdulillah, they were girls, but I still wasn't ok with her talking with them when she needed to be doing homework and I didn't know their characters. I give her the cell when she leaves for school, take it when she gets home, and check it every day. I haven't really had to check it lately and sometimes let her keep it just to see what she does. Then I check it later along with the phone bill, and Alhamdulillah, she's not going against my rules - only use it to call me to tell me she made it to school ok, and after school to let me know she's on her way home.

If your daughter won't comply, you could disconnect her cell phone and get her a "firefly" phone. They're phones for children that only have 4 numbers stored that they can call and they're pre-paid. so the children can only call say, their mom, dad, etc. No one else. I also don't think they can recieve calls from anyone other than those people. That was going to be my choice if my daughter didn't comply with the cell phone use restrictions.

5)Talk with your daughter about marriage.

Yes, I know she's 14 and not ready for marriage. My own daughter can only make scrambled eggs and doesn't even know how to do her own hair. lol However, those little "crushes" eventually grow up into BIG crushes and a need for a relationship. I explained to my daughter that these feelings are normal, but there is a reason for them - for us to marry and have a family InshaAllah. I told her that she is NOT going to date, but if she begins to feel that she would like to start thinking about possibly finding a groom, I would do what I could to help her InshaAllah.

I also remind her that the stronger she feels for someone, doesn't she eventually think about marriage? She says, "yes." As most girls, even non-Muslims, hope for the person they like to want to marry them. I told her that if she fosters crushes, they will just lead to heartbreak as 1-they will probably just use her for sex, and 2-even if they wanted to marry her, she can't marry them as her marriage won't be valid unless he is Muslim. She understands this and I feel that she is even more comfortable with the idea of marriage than she was before.


That is all that I have for now. I hope and pray that Allah SWT will help and guide you and your daughter through this difficult time. Ameen.

P.S. Out of all of what I wrote, I find #1 to be most important.

[Amina786]

JazakAllah for the awesome advice, sister BintHajj.


I would also reccomend that you send your daughter to a madrassah where she can learn the Alima Course. I attended a wedding once of a female graduate of Dar-ul-uloom Buffalo, and her aunt was telling my mom how this girl is so thankful to her parents for sending her to a madrassah when they did. She was 14 at the time and out of control, disobedient, talking to boys etc etc. so her parents sent her to the madrassah, she stayed in the company of pious people, and was influenced by the good company she had in the other female students and changed her self as she learned the alim course. Now masha'allah she is a totally different person, mother of 2 and a teacher at the madrassah itself.

[Quraatulain]

Salams

MashaAllah great advise ..BintHajj.

We're living in the west and are expose to all fitnah's, teenagers are more prone to temptations and peer pressure.
It's the duty of all parents to the tarbiyyah of their kids,think up ways and create an Islamic alternative for their kids,if you restrict them from things they see their friends doing without explaining to them what's halal and whats not,they will rebel and be disobedient.

Mothers should value the time they have with their daughters,be a close friend to them ,keep in tune to whats going on in the environ their expose their kids to and keep an Islamic environment in the home.

If you can become your daughters best friend and get involved in activities she like which does not breach shariah.Allow her to keep good friendships and befriend the parents of those friends,take her out with her friends,allow her to have halal fun. Just be a "cool mum" with deen as priority,I'm sure when she has a problem and needs advise she will come to you first,she will think twice before breaking your trust.

I am not a mum but speak as a sister in Islam from what i have seen around me.
May Allah swt make it easy for all of us and help all muslim parents to do the correct tarbiyah of their kids and resolve all issues they maybe facing .Aameen

I don't know if this will help but i found these talks by Mufti Menk very beneficial alhumdulillah.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzvTdQgbV5w&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9X85RWk0vu0&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PoaC2ajrm_I&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCufX5G66aU&feature=related

[Umm]

Assalamu'alaykum,
There is a dua in this book.Written by Maulana Ashraf ALi Thanwi (RA)
Page 37

http://islamibayanaat.com/EnglishLiterature/RemediesFrom(Amale)Quran-MaulanaMujaddidAshrafAliThanviRA.pdf

[Umme Maryam]

:salam:

Dear Sister;

I too have a 14 year old daughter. It can be confusing knowing how to continue to raise someone who is almost an adult, but Allah SWT is Most Merciful.

Alhamdulillah, my daughter has not gone down the road of becoming disrespectfull or interacting with boys. However, I did begin to see a problem with her attitude and her grades when she first started High School this year. All Praise is due to Allah SWT as all is now improved after some changes I have made with her. I am going to share them with you and hope they help you and your daughter as well InshaAllah.


1)Change yourself before you expect change in your child.

Be the woman you want your daughter to be. Make sure you make your salaah, read Quran, and fast. If you want your daughter to be respectful, make sure you show her how respectful you are towards your own mother and others. Include your daughter in your Ibadah. Pray with her. Read with her. Explain things to her. Share with her your love of Islam and hopefully, InshaAllah, she'll grow to enjoy this about you and the time you spend with her. Make sure you don't interact with men in a way you don't want your daughter to. Show her that it's superiour to do things in an Islamic way than how she see's in school, movies, & tv(as a previous posted stated). Which leads to #2:


2)No TV or limited & monitored TV.

I don't allow my daughter to just go watch tv anymore. She never watches it during the school week as I found she rushed through her work to get to watch something. Without that distraction she takes her time to do her work as she has nothing else to do. Also, I sit with her and only allow her to watch certain programs - mostly education documentaries and historical movies based on fact. I always interject an Islamic perspective into whatever is going on and how Allah SWT has power over all things.

3)No radio/CDs/MP3/iPod/etc.

I found that my daughter had a radio in her room, and had radio access on her cell phone. I took the radio and get the cell phone from her when she gets home from school. The music mostly talks disrespectfully about women, sex, or some fairytale romantic relationships. Girls(and boys) can get caught up in fantasizing about these things to music and forget reality - that these things are haram, and the marriage that Allah SWT has ordained for us as a lawful relationship is better than what is being sung about.

4)No cell phone except for contact with the parents while on the way to and from school.

My daughter made new friends and was calling them. Alhamdulillah, they were girls, but I still wasn't ok with her talking with them when she needed to be doing homework and I didn't know their characters. I give her the cell when she leaves for school, take it when she gets home, and check it every day. I haven't really had to check it lately and sometimes let her keep it just to see what she does. Then I check it later along with the phone bill, and Alhamdulillah, she's not going against my rules - only use it to call me to tell me she made it to school ok, and after school to let me know she's on her way home.

If your daughter won't comply, you could disconnect her cell phone and get her a "firefly" phone. They're phones for children that only have 4 numbers stored that they can call and they're pre-paid. so the children can only call say, their mom, dad, etc. No one else. I also don't think they can recieve calls from anyone other than those people. That was going to be my choice if my daughter didn't comply with the cell phone use restrictions.

5)Talk with your daughter about marriage.

Yes, I know she's 14 and not ready for marriage. My own daughter can only make scrambled eggs and doesn't even know how to do her own hair. lol However, those little "crushes" eventually grow up into BIG crushes and a need for a relationship. I explained to my daughter that these feelings are normal, but there is a reason for them - for us to marry and have a family InshaAllah. I told her that she is NOT going to date, but if she begins to feel that she would like to start thinking about possibly finding a groom, I would do what I could to help her InshaAllah.

I also remind her that the stronger she feels for someone, doesn't she eventually think about marriage? She says, "yes." As most girls, even non-Muslims, hope for the person they like to want to marry them. I told her that if she fosters crushes, they will just lead to heartbreak as 1-they will probably just use her for sex, and 2-even if they wanted to marry her, she can't marry them as her marriage won't be valid unless he is Muslim. She understands this and I feel that she is even more comfortable with the idea of marriage than she was before.


That is all that I have for now. I hope and pray that Allah SWT will help and guide you and your daughter through this difficult time. Ameen.

P.S. Out of all of what I wrote, I find #1 to be most important.

Assalam Alaikum sister!

Alhamdulillah you are doing a great job-- JazakAllah Khair --I feel you have addressed the same issues bothering me. Yes, my daughter like yours is not disrespectful or interacting with boys but I have been worried with her incessant computer usage and the influence of other children in her in school. I like your point #1 and will start using that effectively -- also I am now going to ban her from the computer and monitor her online projects personally-- the phone has never been a major problem but the music is... InshAllah will curb that as well. Since the past month, I've arranged for a weekly Islamic class for her and her friends to be held at home and they seem to be taking great interest in it. I hope that our children will InshAllah grow up to be responsible young Muslims. Ameen!

[umm_aasiya]

:salam:

I am sorry to hear about your situation. You have received some good advice. Here is a short article I found about ' Coping with Teens' . May Allah guide your family and us all Inshallah.

You thought you were over the hard part: changing nappies and being kept awake throughout the night by your crying baby, dealing with an uncontrollable two-year old ‘monster’. But now comes the really hard part: coping with a rebellious, often rude and obnoxious, teenager.


Teach them from an early age about Allah, the Prophets, the Sahaba, and the great heroes of Islam. If we develop in them a love for Islam and provide them with pious examples for their heroes, they will be much less likely to go astray. A person wants to be like his heroes.


Be very careful about your child’s friends. During the teenage years, children often care more about what their friends say than what their parents or elders say. According to a hadith, ‘Man is upon the path of his intimate friend; so let each look to whom he takes as a friend.’ It’s essential from an early age that we try to get our children involved with good kids.


Encourage children to participate in wholesome religious, social, and sports activities. Bored teenagers are more likely to look for excitement in the wrong place. If teenagers' lives are full of good and exciting things to do, they will not have the time or the desire to get involved in bad things.

If we haven't done so already, now’s a good time to let kids become part of the family decision making process. If teenagers feel they have the right to make some decisions and even to help make the family's decisions, they will not feel that they have to rebel against an oppressive family that is always telling them what to do.

[makkiya]

Asa,
The status of a mother is such in front of Allah swt that He accepts the dua of even that mother who is disobedient and distant from Himself. A mother's dua is even more powerful that the dua of a wali of Allah swt.
In order to raise children who have strong faith, it is important that as mothers we increase our relationship with Allah swt and strengthen our faith in Him, and believe with most certainty that Allah swt is the changer of hearts and He has the power to change the hearts of our near and dear ones.
When we give our heart to Allah swt, He will make sure His mercy envelopes our lives and our families.
May Allah swt grant us and our children sound and firm faith in this dunya and may He enable us to carry this faith into the Hereafter inshaAllah. ameen

[Umm]

Asa,
May Allah swt grant us and our children sound and firm faith in this dunya and may He enable us to carry this faith into the Hereafter inshaAllah. ameen

Ameen.

[gabriel]

I am a faciliatator for a Parent Program and deal with these situations within my capacity too often.

There has been some excellent advise provided and following upon these will Inshallah lead to some positive outcomes. By all means turn towards Dua to Allah, however bearing in mind that Allah does not resolve a situation that has been created by breaking his command in the first place!

Hope the above sentence makes sense. Allah is logical and therefore expects measures to be taken at the same times as making the duas. Therefore the first and foremost thing a person must develop is patience, patience is the first quality that the Prophet of Allah was taught in his prohethood and in Surah Imran Allah asks us to via with each other in patience.

Therefore in your firm determination to bring about change be prepared for some severe reactions from the rebelious desires and the strenghth of Satan that lurks within. One of the ways to draw them in is a saying in urdu:

'Pele dil leylo, Bath mer din deydo' First win the heart, then give the deen.

Can you bring yourself to their level? Can we truely understand what they go through and relate to the culture? Are we even looked upon as a friend or a peer or just a burden?

Please remember this generation id the 'stolen generation' and evil works 20x more effective then we do.

So it is time to make some serious decisions and changes to our own lives.

Remember! The secret to live is setting high standards for yourself.

Therefore set the highest standard, that is to live our life according to the Sunnah of his beloved Prophet (Peace be upon him) and in that is trye success. If we act first then the sunnah will become a magnet of attraction

[Hamza81]

Assalam u alaikum brothers and sisters

my daughter has reached the age of 14 and is very disobedient. She swears at me and does not listen to me. She also talks to boys at school and on the phone. This is greatly distressing me and caused me to become ill.

Pls is there anything i can do or read such as duas or supplication.

I hope Allah subhaanawataalah give everyone a long life
Ameen

Asalaam wr wb sister Amina I am very saddened to hear your story, and it pains me very much. Unfortunately, this is very apparent in our societies today. Perhaps your story will serve as wakeup call for those Muslim parents who still have time to make a committment to devote every effort and spare no expense to give their children a rigorous Islamic education and upbringing, as is the duty of every Muslim parent.

I heard somewhere that some parents begin saving for their childrens's college expenses while they are infants. Why don't we start planning for something more important for them at this age--the child's Afterlife. Every mother and father should make a realistic assessment of their environment, and make efforts to bolster their children's Islamic future by ensuring:

1.) The children receive appropriate Islamic Tarbiyyah in the home, including learning the basics of belief, aqeedah, Oneness of Allah, stories of the Sahabah and Prophets. The parents and children should have daily ta'leem together.


2.) Parents should settle in communities that have strong Islamic education, Islamic schools, and religious youth programs.

3.) Parents should consider sending their children abroad as part of deferred entry offered by many colleges. Thus they will gain an attachment to the centers of Islam and this will formulate part of their identity.

4.) Parents should not be harsh to children. Harshness is not the Prophetic Sunnah, and it will lead to the children associating Islam with harshness. Kids need to be educated with kindness, not forced to follow traditions.

5.) Knowledge is the key to ignorance. Try to win your daughter's heart by teaching her what you know about the Oneness of Allah, the afterlife, the realization that we were created to worship Allah, and that death will overtake us sooner than we expect. Try to slip her some books about righteous women in Islam, such as Darussalam's "Great women of Islamic History.", or any of the numerous books out there.

Never give up on your daughter as this may be a trial for you from Allah so that he may test you. Allah says in the Qur'an also that do not let your children put you off from worshipping Allah! If they do not listen then it will be their loss but do not give up but whatever you do practice patience and do things with wisdom and not anger because you may risk your daughter rebelling further!

Make dua in the last portion of the night which is the third part of the night(Tahajjud), begging Allah to guide your daughter and to make her obedient to you and Allah. Remind her that Allah is merciful and tell her about the greatness of Allah and the beauty of Islam, and that Allah will be so happy if she's obedient to him and her parents, more than the happiness of a destitute traveller who lost his mount and provisions in a vast desert when suddenly his mount returns to him.

We ask Allah to set our affairs straight and make our last words when we leave this world, Laa Illaha Illa Allah, and save us from the Fitnah and trials. Ameen.
If you need anything else sister then please don't hesitate to ask!

[dandan]

teenage rebellion... i'm not a parent but i've been a teenager and i only rebelled because my parents were bossing me about too much. parent's job is to guide the teenager when the teenager asks for help, not to do beyond what has been asked for :confused:

[ILM_Sika]

Good comments Mashallah, hope that the kids all turn out well Inshaallah, its a hard job but I guess it can be easy too if you start of on the right foot.

[natisha]

salam i know its dificult bringing up kids, allah will help u through it. sit down and talk 2 your daughter explain right from wrong, get her to focus on her religion rather then boys. even if that means u taking her phone. there is so much bad in this society today talk to her now rather then her get in to trouble.