New Muslims And Marriage

[Rabi'ya]

Assalamualaikum

I have a question for all brothers and sisters...I dont relly know where I stand with regards to this query. Ive consulted a few friends but they werent really much help and many differing views.

I am a new-ish Muslim and have recently been approached by someone i know with regards to marriage. I am a bit confused how to proceed as my family are not Muslim and their idea of a suitable partner may not be in accordance with Islam.

Firstly Id like to know any particular questions which I should be asking him/his family to establish whether he is suitable for me and secondly who do i use as my wali, and do i actually need a wali because ive been told separate things with regards to this also byt people from different madhabs.

If you could give me references to support your answers it would be helpful.

Jazak Allah Kher in advance

Wsalaam

Rabi'ya

[sahih-baba]

salam,

you said you knew the man, so you perhaps know how his deen is.
ideally he should be a man of deen with good understanding (fiqh) of it - ie he should be following a madhhab - so that you can learn from him.
if he belongs to one of those "islamic" groups with a group mentality, where everyone esle is astray and only they are on truth, then i would avoid him like HIV.

as for the wali, here is how a maliki faqih responded to a similar question:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Tariqul-Islam/message/716

[Rabi'ya]

salaam

Jazak Allah Kher for ur information

wsalaam

Rabi'ya

[Muslimsister]

:salam:

I agree with brother sahih-babas views, good points. Although someone that does not belong to a 'group' can also be very culturally influenced sometimes... So, there are no guarantees in the end.

I'd just like to ask how well do you know him?

And :mash:, sister you are doing well to ask before to rush into things. I know a country in europe, where sisters tend to convert and marry immediately with very high hopes and then crash down completetly in the end... so one should be very careful, as if the husband comes from a different culture especially, one has to be realistic and know some habits etc. that might not be 100% islamic, though not maybe even forbidden/haram...

The problem we converts have sometimes, is that we have too high expectations from 'born muslims' and then we somehow end up very, very disappointed in the end, as all muslims are just humans and products of thier environments anyway... us included, of course.


Ok, hope all goes well, :insh:

:salam:

[sahih-baba]

:salam:

I agree with brother sahih-babas views, good points. Although someone that does not belong to a 'group' can also be very culturally influenced sometimes... So, there are no guarantees in the end.:


well, i'm not a big vulture for culture myself, because i, a cosmopolitan, don't really have one of my own. however, i don't think culture is a bad thing, provided it does not compromise with islam.

what do you think?

wslm.
baba brahim

[Rabi'ya]

salaam muslim sister

thanks for your reply. I do know the guy quite well. in as much as i used to work with him. IVe known him for approx 2 years and i know about his family too.

these are the kind of things i need to check - what kind of things would anyone suggest i should find out and ask before committing

wsalaam

Rabi'ya

[Muslimsister]

:salam:


It's a bit difficult to say, as I don't know from where he is and you...

I think you just have to think of things that you feel are important to you and ask about them... (not very helpful, I know, lol) If you could tell a bit more about your circumstances, I might be able to help... Or even better, join the sisters sec. and ask in there! :insh:


Hope all goes well, :insh:

:salam:

[dawud_uk]

assalaamu alaykum,

you've been muslim two years and you have managed to stop the brothers swarming so far? lol

you have done the right thing, too often sisters embrace islam and they get all sort of inappropiate offers from completely inappropiate brothers and this is why a wali is necessary. usually such problems lead to bad marriages and divorces which is why a wali is so important.

i am a hanafi myself and although the hanafi madhab says a wali is only desireable and not compulsory they are on very weak grounds for this and i actually did the nikkah again with my ex wife because of this as the first time a wali wasnt present.

i would advice you to approach a trustworthy leader in your community like an alim or imam and ask them to appoint you a wali, this is your right and their duty as a leader.

the questions you need to ask are basically how practicing is he?
is he cultural? i.e does he do cultural practices that are against the teachings of islam?
finally, i would also advice you to check his aqeedah, this is very important. i have seen marriages break down when two muslims marry and both practicing but they didnt ask the right questions so things got messy later.

i would also check out his family, sometimes a revert can marry a mashallah very practicing muslim but the non-revert family make a mess of things by insisting on lots of cultural things for the new couple and any future children.

finally, sometimes reverts need to realise they also have culture that can be in accordance with islam or not so make sure you yourself are ready for marriage.

[Rabi'ya]

Wa'alaikumasalaam Daw'ud

Thanks for your reply. It was quite comprehensive. The brother in question is practising alhamdulillah. ( He follows hanafi like you , brother)

I have just stayed away from brothers since ive accepted Islam as I knew it would probably lead to trouble. lol

With regards to the cultural thing. His family, originally from pakistan are cultural. He was born here and is less cultural. He has approached his family about me but they wanted to marry the older siblings first. This is something which I was a bit annoyed about as this is cultural and not necessarily in accordance with Islam. MY thoughts would be that surely by insisting that we wait then its more likely that sin(not sure of the arabic word) is likely to happen.

Do you think it would be acceptable to perform the nikkah in order to allow meetings alone halal? and then perform the walimah when the family has married off the other siblings?

Can you suggest anything I should ask his family when I meet them as I am supposed to be meeting them within the next few weeks, inshaAllah.

Jazak Allah kher for all your replies so far :)

Wasalaam

Rabi'ya

[Nafeesa]

yep like my husband dawud sed a wali is vital

[nauk]

My advice would be do a quick nikah now, and then sort out an official wedding date when his folks have sorted the elder one. Your both adults.