Article: "Marriage: keep it simple and win!"

[eat-halal guy]

Marriage: keep it simple and win!

Sikander Ziad Hashmi, sunniforum.com


As the summer passes, the sweet scent of matrimony flows in the air. When it’s all over, thousands of Muslims will have said “Yes, I accepted”, “Qabilto”, or “Jee maynay qubool kiya.”

Every time I picture a marriage ceremony, I think of fancily dressed people holed up in a fancy banquet hall, listening to a speaker as he rambles on, and on, and on, as the catering personnel run around to get the food ready.

While there’s nothing terribly wrong with any of the above, is it really needed?

In Islam, the institution of marriage is a sacred one, yet a simple one.

It is sacred because it is an act of worship and it’s simple because our role model, the Prophet (SAW), always kept it simple.

Marriage is a major step in one’s life. It’s a matter of great responsibility that should by no mean be taken lightly. However, it shouldn’t be complicated to the point if one doesn’t have enough cash to hold an elaborate ceremony with hundreds of guests, one can’t get married.

Quite simply, a marriage in Islam is solemnized by a nikah (marriage contract) and a waleemah (marriage feast) that follows once the marriage has been consummated.

The nikah constitutes of a proposal from one party (eejab) and acceptance from another (qubool) in the presence of witnesses. The walimah is simply a dinner to celebrate the marriage, since marriage is, after all, a joyous occasion.

The nikah can be held at the local masjid or at home, while the walimah can be anywhere: one’s apartment, backyard, or basement, the local masjid, a park, a restaurant, a community center, or anywhere else.

As well, on the occasions of nikah and walimah, long speeches and an elaborate program are not required. Remember, simple is beautiful!

Nowadays, we seem to have been so caught up in rituals and customs that we tend to waste enormous amounts of money and time on things that simply aren’t needed. Nikah and walimah are both sunnahs (traditions) of the Prophet Muhammad (SAW), so doesn’t it make sense to try to commemorate these occasions in the same fashion as he did?

Anas (RA) describes one of the walimahs hosted by the Prophet (SAW):

“The Prophet stayed for three days at a place between Khaibar and Medina, and there he consummated his marriage with Safiyya bint Huyay (RA). I invited the Muslims to a banquet which included neither meat nor bread. The Prophet (SAW) ordered for the leather dining sheets to be spread, and then dates, dried yogurt and butter were provided over it, and that was the Walima (banquet) of the Prophet (SAW).” (Reported by Bukhari)

In another report, Anas (RA) says that the Prophet (SAW) “gave a wedding banquet with Hais (a sort of sweet dish made from butter, cheese and dates).” (Reported by Bukhari)

There is nothing wrong with having an elaborate ceremony in a fancy banquet hall and full-course meal prepared by a caterer, but the fact of the matter is that neither of these are requirements for a successful marriage ceremony. If one wishes to hold the ceremony in a banquet hall with a full-course meal, that’s perfectly fine, but it shouldn’t be taken as a requirement.

I’m sure many of us loan large sums of money just so we can host fancy receptions for our weddings. Or even if we spend extravagant amounts of our own money, it’s sad because there are so many better uses for our hard-earned money. After all, the amount of money spent on the ceremony has no positive effect on the life of the couple.

The Prophet (SAW) is reported to have said:

“The marriage which is most greatly blessed is the one which is the lightest in burden [expense]. However, if people are well catered for, without extravagance and show, there is no problem with that either.” (Reported by Bayhaqi)

For sure, marriage an occasion to celebrate, but why waste enormous amounts of money on a celebration? It’s definitely not how our beloved Prophet Muhammad (SAW) celebrated. In fact, wasting Allah’s bounties is something Allah has warned us against:

“But waste not by excess: for Allah loves not the wasters.” (Quran, 6:141)

It can be difficult to swim against the tide of fancy and extravagant marriages, but surely, it’s worth swimming against the tides that go against Allah’s command and the example set by the Prophet (SAW).

Let’s save all that money and keep it for better uses. That money is sure to be in demand once the honeymoon is over and the actual daily routine sets in.

If we do that with the right intention, we’ll end up saving money and at the same time, we’ll be adding to our good-deed account as well.

After all, who can’t use some extra cash, some extra good deeds, and a greatly blessed marriage (since the most greatly blessed marriage is the one that lightest in expense)?


editor@sunniforum.com

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[UmmIbrahimIsa]

assalamu alaikum wr wb

JazakuAllakhairun.

it's sad though in the community you are seen as cheap if you hold a simple nikah or walima... yet you are seen as the "hit of the town, great party" if you hold a huge, fancy one with different utensils for different foods, and 10-20 course meal open buffet, with 5 different desserts, and 10-20 different drinks to choose from.... yet if you hold a simple wedding of just dates and water, or samosas and orange juice... it's seemed as cheap.
no one focuses on celebrating the joyous of joining a couple together instead they look towards how the outlay of where it's held as if that's what is important. the couple though will always remember the ppl that helped celebrate it with them, not really all the things that they wasted.
though some realize that after the fact....

good article... We should also make it a fact to ask all wedding ceremonies to donate all leftover foods to shelters and not waste it. Even if host and hostesses has to stand by the food stands and garbages and make sure people do not waste food. Even if people have to take home their own goodie doggie bags so food is not wasted from their plates that is better for them, just so as long as you didnt throw it out from your own party and if they throw it out on their own at their own house then its up to them and between them and Allah to answer why they wasted and are ungrateful.
even if they cant eat it, they can take it and even give it to a bum on the street... he'll hungerly take that rather than sifting through the trash bins.
Allahu Alim

[eat-halal guy]

Waiyyak. So true...

[asma]

:salam:

:thumbsup: This is a really important topic in muslim communities, :jazak: for bringing it up.

So much _energy_ is allocated to superfluous traditions when it is vitally needed in other, neglected areas of importance to this ummah. Imagine if all the detailed organization that mothers and aunties apply to weddings could be channelled towards administering charities or islamic schools or masajid in this country ... great things could happen insha`Allah. So in many ways it seems like a real misapplication of resources wa allahu alim.

Some extra thoughts:

-Dhikr: Ceremonies are fleeting in amusement while the money could be saved for hajj, helping one's parents or others to make hajj, education, charity, and other needs more rewarding and long-term beneficial fi sabeelillah.
Because big-wedding euphoria impresses everyone for a few days at most, right, but ultimately a couple's happiness will only depend on impressing Allah and seeking His guidance and blessings. And how better to do so than to make a wedding a modest occasion marked by constant remembrance of what the event is really about? : Uniting two believers in piety, happiness, love, and humility to follow the sunna of rasulallah sallallahu alaihi wasallam.

-Charity: UmmII is right, we must prioritize charity and sharing our bounties in these situations, eg by inviting those muslims known to be hard-off financially or sponsoring a meal at a local shelter. "The worst food is that of a wedding banquet to which only the rich are invited while the poor are neglected." (narrated by Abu Huraira)

-Money: Taking out loans with interest is haram even for a wedding, so families need to be careful to preserve the barakah of the marriage insha`Allah by funding it with halal resources.

-Simplicity: As another example of the sunna of simplicity, at the wedding of Fatimah radhi allahu anha, her father sallallahu alaihi wasallam only delivered a short khutba/advice, made du`aa ['O Allah, create love and harmony between these two, bless them and bestow upon them good children'], and served dates. And this is a beloved family of the house of our Prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam, may allah reward them all.

was-salam

[Raeesa]

brilliant article... Jazakallah Khair

truth be told people spend so much, to show ppl that they want theyre wedding day remembered.
But you cant please people, no matter how much you try its just not possible.
I've seen people complain and moan about weddings which probably cost more than a persons entire life savings...if you making pleasin Allah yr aim, then you won't be dissapointed...

[Zahra]

You can't win the world! Wedding season has definitely hit High Wycombe, I really do not want to attend one wedding in particular but Mother said I have to show my face at least so my relatives don't think that the hijabi is in hiding!
Also these hindu derived customs drive me insane at weddings but I suppose I will have to grin and bear with it because a close relative of mine is getting married. Btw what is the origin of mehndis and are they allowed in the Shariah? Also dol playing, am I right in saying that's not permissible?

[UmmIbrahimIsa]

You can't win the world! Btw what is the origin of mehndis and are they allowed in the Shariah? Also dol playing, am I right in saying that's not permissible?

Assalamu alaikum wr wb

Dol would be like duff and in times of weddings and eid its permissible to use.
As for the mendis or henna party Allahu Alim. some say its ok and some say its not cuz its a waste of time and money... Though if its all halal then what would be wrong with it?

[fnaeem]

would it not have to be open on one end to qualify as a duffish dhool.
pakistan/indian dhools usually dont tend to be.

[amatullah]

as salaamu alaikum

what if the girl wants to have a simple sunnah wedding but the family esp. the parents feel otherwise?should the girl stand her ground at the expense of the displeasure of her parents or please her parents and just go ahead with a big ceromony ,do u think?

rem. me in ur Duas insha Allah
was salaam

[Goldi]

These points are all minor.

We have to create a culture of what we aim for. The ridiculous notion that we can somehow ditch culture and live as 'pure' muslims is a false one. We need culture and we have to live within one.

What do we do then? We make a culture of simple marriages, we make a culture out of muslims events, we make a culture of the sunnah.

Only then will we able to live the life we always talk about.

Spurning today's culture and ghettoizing ourselves into pockets will leave us as forgotten outcasts that once were. Defining our own culture will lead us to success.

[eat-halal guy]

Good points Goldi.



Spurning today's culture and ghettoizing ourselves into pockets will leave us as forgotten outcasts that once were. Defining our own culture will lead us to success.


But don't we start forming that culture by doing what's right, which will seem like spurning today's norms and it'll look like we're ghettoizing ourselves? Or do we just wait for that culture to somehow define itself, and then we jump on board?

I guess the question should be: how do we go about creating the culture? Surely, it's gotta start somewhere.

[Goldi]

Good points Goldi.




But don't we start forming that culture by doing what's right, which will seem like spurning today's norms and it'll look like we're ghettoizing ourselves? Or do we just wait for that culture to somehow define itself, and then we jump on board?

I guess the question should be: how do we go about creating the culture? Surely, it's gotta start somewhere.


Well look. We know that growing up as muslims in north america is a tough thing.

What we need to do is to fill the void that is created when we subtract the negative/harmful customs from our lives.

For example, one thing that a lot of people havent realized, especially the more religious folk in the west, is that you have to have a social aspect to life. Instead of labelling all activities as 'full of fitnah' and sitting at home or frequenting only the masjid, make your own 'halal' events and activities that fill that void. Because if your kids are not busy organizing, planning to go to, inviting to an 'islamically flavoured' social event, they are doing all that to an event thats not so islamic.

A prime example of this is the MuslimFest nasheed concert and art festival that just happened in toronto. It was a brilliant social event that brought out a ton of young muslims. An interesting thing about the crowd was that a lot of them were familiar with each other having been involved in MSAs, halaqas, conferences etc. What these people are forming here is a social culture and more importantly a social identity. They are muslims and shariah is what defines things.

Infact, there were a lot of 'attacks' on them by some morons in the median calling them too extreme for obeying shariah. but thats tangential.

point is, get people together, make things happen by deciding that this is your home and you need to start making communities and connections.

[Zain121]

As salaamu Alaykum,

Alhamdullillah, yet another great article by Maulana Ziad Sahib... May Allah accept all his efforts, works and contributions. Ameen.

Indeed marriage is a great part of Islam, and within the Hanafi Fiqh it is classed as an Ibaadah (form of worship)... Therefore, it deems necessary, as with any other form of worship, that the act is done correctly.

Primarily, it is vital that the Niyyah (intention) is pure and correct. Many of the younger generations have a totally wrong concept of marriage, and very few people will be heard saying "i am marrying to protect myself" or "for the pleasure of Allah" etc.

Therefore, may Allah primarily give us the understanding to make a correct and firm intention in regards to marriage... Evidently, a building built on firm and solid grounds is surely to last longer and maybe for a lifetime in comparison to that building which is based on a weak and incorrect base and foundation.

Secondly, like any worship (Ibaadah) it is necessary that the act is done solely for the pleasure of Allah... We all make tremendous efforts to stay away from Shirk, but do we realise the Riyaa (showing) is also classed as Shirk-e-Sageer (minor form of Shirk)...

Thus, we should bare in mind, that we cannot perform any act within these wedding customs and traditions that will displease Allah Ta'ala... I mean who are we aiming to please? Who is going to help us through our family life? Who is going to provide for our wives/husbands and children? I'm sure the answer is simple, Allah. Therefore, shouldn't it be a necessity and prime objective to please the one who is going to be there for us, the one who we will spread our hands before day after day?

Finally, I pray to Allah to accept the efforts of all the poeple aiding his religion... I thank Him to have given us the oppertunity and beg of Him not to ever let us stray from His path... Aameen.

I hope that I can proudly stand up one day and say I acted on what I believe is right, for I am more in need of what has been said in thread.

May Allah aid all those who are married, and accept their marriages and forgive their shortcomings. And similarly, may He give the abilf those who are yet to take this step to take the correct step... for indeed Allah is most capable of destroying any marriage... Allahummah Fazna. Aameen.

Wasalaam

[meelash]

Well look. We know that growing up as muslims in north america is a tough thing.

What we need to do is to fill the void that is created when we subtract the negative/harmful customs from our lives.

For example, one thing that a lot of people havent realized, especially the more religious folk in the west, is that you have to have a social aspect to life. Instead of labelling all activities as 'full of fitnah' and sitting at home or frequenting only the masjid, make your own 'halal' events and activities that fill that void. Because if your kids are not busy organizing, planning to go to, inviting to an 'islamically flavoured' social event, they are doing all that to an event thats not so islamic.

A prime example of this is the MuslimFest nasheed concert and art festival that just happened in toronto. It was a brilliant social event that brought out a ton of young muslims. An interesting thing about the crowd was that a lot of them were familiar with each other having been involved in MSAs, halaqas, conferences etc. What these people are forming here is a social culture and more importantly a social identity. They are muslims and shariah is what defines things.

Infact, there were a lot of 'attacks' on them by some morons in the median calling them too extreme for obeying shariah. but thats tangential.

point is, get people together, make things happen by deciding that this is your home and you need to start making communities and connections.

First, I say whatever you wrote is fine as long as the first bold part is actually true. To often I've seen people saying this, and then doing the same haraam compromises in those "Islamic" events to make it "fun".

Secondly, the second bold part is NONSENSE. A properly brought up Muslim child should not have ANY FREE TIME literally and this doesn't require all these events. By free time, I don't mean play time, I mean free time where it is an excuse to do something haraam. Are you kidding me? Learning life religious and business aspects, attending jamaat with the father 5 times a day, getting exercise, eating with the family at meal times, being inside by maghrib, reading a few hours of Qur'aan per day, going to sleep right after 'Isha and waking up for Fajr-- Where is the free time, that NEEEDS to be filled with "Islamic" events.

The sad reality is that MOST parents ignore their kids, do not put any time and effort into their tarbiyat, and then when they feel guilty about it- buy them toys or taking them to the "Muslim" carnivals to make assuage their conscience and let their nafs assure them they are "good" parents.

If a child is taken to an ACTUALLY halaal social event as a treat- khayr. If that is being treated as a necessity because parents are too lazy to do their jobs- that is counterproductive and just serves to create a false sense of assurance in lazy parents.

[LightUponLight-]

MashaAllah, my sentiments exactly brother Meelash. Nasheed concerts are nice though, not that I have ever been to one, I'm just yet to find one that is void of musical instruments and the like.

Nice to see a thread over 5 years old revived. I only just realised.

[LightUponLight-]

I'll be posting my issues with mehndi functions and use of dols/drums on a separate thread.

[Fatima20]

There's this joke I heard a long time ago where the parents make a promise to make their daughter's marriage such a grand one that no one will have any complaints or grudges against them. So they decided to present each guest with a gold bangle as a gift for attending their daughter's wedding. The next morning, news spread all over town that the girl that got married last night... the parents are so miserly that they presented their guests with only one bangle instead of two!

So the point is, really, there is no way you can keep others happy however much you try. So instead of trying to waste all your money in decorating the hall and thinking of ways to make the night extremely special... 'Keep it simple!' as mentioned in the article. That's the best way to go around things.

[USMANshani]

We all responsible for these problems and anti ISLAM traditions and customs!

[ummitaalib]

assalaamu 'alaykum warahmatullah,
I've just joined sunni forum, alhamdulillah great site...I have a question (sorry, may sound dumb)...i wish to read these articles however when i click on them all i get are the comments. So how do i access the articles?

[meelash]

assalaamu 'alaykum warahmatullah,
I've just joined sunni forum, alhamdulillah great site...I have a question (sorry, may sound dumb)...i wish to read these articles however when i click on them all i get are the comments. So how do i access the articles?

Do you see above and below the comments there is a box that says "Page 2 of 2"?
In that box, click on "1" or "First" to go to the first page of the thread where the article has been posted.

[Evsu]

Assalamu alaykum,

Masha Allah great article, but I would like to ask a question on this subject:

If only walima is sunna, then what about all other ceremonies, such as the wedding night (rukhsati in Urdu), that are a part of the custom and have nothing to do with sunna? If it is impermissible to spend extravagantly even in walima, and walima is a sunna, then what about these other function that are not sunna in the first place? Wouldn't it be impermissible to even hold these functions?

Barak Allahu feek.