Oppressed In My Own Home...

[NoNameAtAll]

asalaam alaykum wa rahmatullah all,

Several weeks ago I happily reported that I had talked to my wife again about Islam and my decision to embrace same and that we had worked out our differences and agreed to my right to my own beliefs... This was after our BIG fight about my desire to revert a year ago. So, this has been an ongoing fight in my home now for approximately a year. I thought (foolishly I might add) that we had finally made some headway on the matter.

It saddens me greatly to report that after all of my trials, suffering and trouble that I am still oppressed in my own home. My wife informs me yesterday that "she just cannot tolerate my selfishness and lack of consideration for her feelings". This is as a result of my "going behind her back and studying Islam". She says "I should have talked to her first". Unfortunately, it is not possible to talk to her about something that she does not agree with. She insists on controlling everything, including my beliefs and thoughts. She denies this of course but I have been married to her for 17 years and this is absolutely true - she must control everything.

I told her that me being Muslim has no impact on her faith. I am willing to go to church with her wherever she desires at any time she desires. But of course that is not good enough because I REFUSE to recite any parts of a church creed that deifies prophet Jesus (pbuh). So - my choice is to proclaim something in which I have no faith or be damned in my own home.

We had intended to go to church this morning for Mother's Day, but now she refuses to go because "she is not going to be seen walking into church with a damned Muslim".

I dont know what to do, I feel so bad for having faith in Islam and then I feel bad for feeling bad about having faith in Islam. I just feel bad and it makes me so sad that no matter what I do - I cannot be right by her or "good enough" to satisfy her. Back when I wanted to go to church (I was a Christian for 42 years), she did not want to go because she said she did not believe "all that ****" and now she is this holy roller, go Jesus type that wants to condemn me for walking away from Christianity and embracing Islam.

Funny... I always have good, sound advice for everyone else about dealing with their families but I cant deal with my own...

O Allah - increase us all in iman, confidence in and understanding of your ways and Islam. Ameen.

[Dawood82]

May Allah make it easy for you brother and may HE indeed increase your imaan.

Going to church service is not a solution as it is not permissible for Muslims to do. Brother don't feel bad for having faith in the Truth.

So - my choice is to proclaim something in which I have no faith or be damned in my own home.

Again, may Allah make it easy for you my dear brother, but be happily damned in your house so long as you are not damned in the akhirah (hereafter).

Don't worry about the accusations coming to you, it is apparent from your posts that you are not the one suffering with "selfishness and lack of consideration" you are very concerned about your wifes guidance as well as happiness.

[ahmedqman]

asalaam alaykum wa rahmatullah all,

It saddens me greatly to report that after all of my trials, suffering and trouble that I am still oppressed in my own home. My wife informs me yesterday that "she just cannot tolerate my selfishness and lack of consideration for her feelings". This is as a result of my "going behind her back and studying Islam". She says "I should have talked to her first". Unfortunately, it is not possible to talk to her about something that she does not agree with. She insists on controlling everything, including my beliefs and thoughts. She denies this of course but I have been married to her for 17 years and this is absolutely true - she must control everything.

Wow, you need consent to learn something now? That's rough.

Well, may allah give you strength in dealing with the situation. All I can say is remain persistent. I'm sure it will all blow over soon enough. Fitna in your household can't happen forever, can it?

[sisterfromthelandofpunt]

Back when I wanted to go to church (I was a Christian for 42 years), she did not want to go because she said she did not believe "all that ****" and now she is this holy roller, go Jesus type that wants to condemn me for walking away from Christianity and embracing Islam.
.

brother Don your wife suddenly becoming a christian believer etc..doesn't come as a surprise.I've heard other new muslims say the same when they revealed to their family they've became muslim. The most common reaction is to become 'more christian'. Sister Yvonne Ridley even said the same thing. Her mother was a nonbeliever and when Sister Yvonne became muslim.. her mother started to go to church when previously she only went for ceremonial occasions like christenings , funerals etc...Sister Yvonne said 'oh at least i made you think of God and religion so this is a good step' that could ultimately lead to one researching christianity in depth and hence seeing the truth in islam and embracing it.I've also heard some brothers and sisters say that they became christian first then buddhist then at last they became muslim.InshaAllah may Allah guide your wife.I will remember her in my Duas.

[jaylen]

I feel for you. May Allah guide you to what is right. Let me explain something because I had a friend who was in this position 6 years ago. They were with someone for 5 years so not as long as you but once they embraced islam the other person turned on them. it was a very difficult situation to say the least. In a nutshell, life became unbearable. One wanted to practice and gave dawah to other person which only made them resent islam even more. Subhana Allah, Allah only guides those from whom he chooses. In the end the relationship had to end. Allah SWT just kept driving a wedge in between them. I don't know how you feel about your wife but she is still your wife. You must realize that islam prohibits oppression especially oppression of deen and your livelihood. You must weigh out all your options and if you see that this isn't getting better and that she may negatively influence your practice of islam then you must base a decision on that. Life has it's trials and tribulations and things happen for a reason. Allahu Alim, she may wake up one day and make shehada but you need to figure out what your plans, goals, objectives and ideals are. Don't give into her because then she'll get stronger and one morning might really give you an ultimatum. Don't wait for that. You must remain strong and remember always that Allah SWT is more important than any person on earth. HIS pleasure and acceptance of our actions reflect from our taqwa. Think of HIM and you need to act, you can't live like this and you're expected to.

[Goldi]

She is playing mind games. Her arguments are not logical but rather, a facade under the guise of emotional attempts at discouragement.

Have faith in Allah (swt), be Strong and cry infront of your Lord at night so that He may make things better.

and Allah knows best.

[ahmedqman]

She is playing mind games. Her arguments are not logical but rather, a facade under the guise of emotional attempts at discouragement.

Have faith in Allah (swt), be Strong and cry infront of your Lord at night so that He may make things better.

and Allah knows best.

I find that hard-hearted non-muslims like to do this a lot. Its pretty much sophistry at its finest.

[NoNameAtAll]

Thanks all for the support but I am not so sure it will do any good. My wife insisted that I call my father yesterday as well and tell him about my decision to revert to Islam. So now not only is my wife mad at me but my father is upset with me as well. My mom just died of cancer about 6 months ago so my father is still depressed about that and now he has to hear from me about Islam and have that on his mind as well.

There is a group of Christian that call themselves Calvinists, after the 16th century theologian John Calvin. John had a doctrine called "unconditional election" which said that at the beginning of time, God selected (in advance) who would be saved and who would burn in hell, no matter what they did or how hard they tried. I am starting to believe that perhaps I am one of the latter group that is going to hell no matter what I do. You know, some people never get enough of a break in life to even build up any faith or iman or whatever you want to call it... We just get kicked around and knocked back down on our face each time we try to get up.

Perhaps I am just one of those people that will never get a chance to be anything but bound for hell. Thanks for the prayers but dont waste your time on me... I can't be helped.

[laughinglion]

Thanks all for the support but I am not so sure it will do any good. My wife insisted that I call my father yesterday as well and tell him about my decision to revert to Islam. So now not only is my wife mad at me but my father is upset with me as well. My mom just died of cancer about 6 months ago so my father is still depressed about that and now he has to hear from me about Islam and have that on his mind as well.

There is a group of Christian that call themselves Calvinists, after the 16th century theologian John Calvin. John had a doctrine called "unconditional election" which said that at the beginning of time, God selected (in advance) who would be saved and who would burn in hell, no matter what they did or how hard they tried. I am starting to believe that perhaps I am one of the latter group that is going to hell no matter what I do. You know, some people never get enough of a break in life to even build up any faith or iman or whatever you want to call it... We just get kicked around and knocked back down on our face each time we try to get up.

Perhaps I am just one of those people that will never get a chance to be anything but bound for hell. Thanks for the prayers but dont waste your time on me... I can't be helped.

Well it seems to me you have made a bigger step to being one of the elect than John Calvin [The Usurer].

For anyone who is "starting out" on the path of conscious return, to Allah , the shaytan [may Allah protect us from all his machinations] expends extra effort. Being that one has nurtured the seed of faith and has caused a green shoot to sprout, it is at this time that the accursed one feels he has most chance of destroying the shoot and stopping it from reaching maturity. Therefore you must be adamant and stubborn in sticking to the course that you have chosen. May Allah strengthen you.

Although you want the best for you and your family you should try not to let them see that their [intentional or unintentional] appeals to emotions and familial ties affects you. If they see their methods achieving any success there will be no let up. At the end of the day you must prepare yourself for a parting of the ways [at least maybe putting some distance] between you and your folks, because this is a possible eventuality. [I left my wife and young son, both of whom I loved dearly, and have seen a number of people go through similar situations. Fortunately, we now have an amicable relationship.] Unfortunately there is no set of instructions to advise somebody in your situatiion how best to proceed. All I can advise is that you put your relationship with our Lord first and foremost, that is the course of no regrets, the cause of success.

May Allah give you tawfiq [a successful outcome that is pleasing to Him, and is pleasing to you also]

with peace

[maaz]

don't forget the struggles of Aasiya, wife of Firaoun, in the time of Prophet Moses. She belived and was tortured by her husband, but never abandoned the faith.

May Allah strengthen you and grant you steadfastness. Amen.