Teenage brother

[eTeacher]

My younger brother who is 17 yrs. old is giving my mom very hard time. My dad went back to his country to take care of our sick grandmother. He won’t be back until she is better. My brother is hifzing quran. We never let him go to high school because the high schools in Chicago are very bad.

He is being home schooled. He doesn’t study at all, after coming from masjid, he plays xbox all day long. Doesn’t help with the house work at all. He fights and argues with everyone everyday. He doesn’t listen to anyone. He is very selfish. We don’t know how to handle him. He wants to do whatever he wants and doesn’t want anyone to interfere.

He is very interested in making bad friends and acting like them. Whenever he gets the chance, he sings and listens to rap music and tries to act like them. He watches TV all day long after coming from masjid. He bosses my youngest brother around and gets him in trouble every time. When I interfere, he hits me and gets me in trouble. My mom gets mad at me. We want to make him good Muslim, but it is very hard to do it in America.

He talks back and tries to be the dominant one in the arguments. He doesn’t respect anyone in the family. Now days, he is even raising his hands on his siblings and even on his mother. How can we, as the family, help him out?
My mom is very tired and upset with him. She can’t handle him. She has a high blood pressure; she can’t deal with him all the time. So sometimes, she ignores him and let him do whatever he wants.

What should we do with him? Is there any du`a we can read?

How about discussing the issue with his Hifz teacher? I'm sure that will help. I was a teacher at CPSA in Lombard for four years. Do I know him? Did he ever study at CPSA?

Salam,
Nazim
www.xanga.com/emam

[UmmIbrahimIsa]

Assalamu alaikum wr wb

He is being home schooled. He doesn’t study at all, after coming from masjid, he plays xbox all day long. Doesn’t help with the house work at all. He fights and argues with everyone everyday. He doesn’t listen to anyone. He is very selfish. We don’t know how to handle him. He wants to do whatever he wants and doesn’t want anyone to interfere.

Perhaps that is the problem right there. He doesn't want to be home schooled so he is rebelling. Yes schools can be bad in certain areas but right now from the things he's doing, could he be better off in there? Perhaps this is his way to test you to see how far he can push you to let him go to school.

Also it could be he gets a lot of pressure from his hifz teacher. Allahu Alim. Perhaps they put a lot of stress/pressure on him that when he gets home all he wants to do is relax a bit. sometimes pushing someone so hard even for the sake of wanting them to be a better muslim sometimes can cause him to go the other way.
Think about this for a moment, what is the reason he is in this hifz program? Is it so he can truly become a better Muslim for himself? Or to show off in the community that he has memorized the Qur'an and can now teach it to others? Even though this is not what he believes or practices in his heart?

Perhaps start small and dont be critical of him. Yet listen to him. When I say listen to him, I mean listen to him on what is going on with him. Like there could be issues he's facing and he has no one to talk to about it at all and is afraid that no one will understand him and this could be why he's frustrated.

Threatening him with punishments won't help, it'll just push him to rebel more and push him further away.

He is very interested in making bad friends and acting like them. Whenever he gets the chance, he sings and listens to rap music and tries to act like them. He watches TV all day long after coming from masjid. He bosses my youngest brother around and gets him in trouble every time. When I interfere, he hits me and gets me in trouble. My mom gets mad at me. We want to make him good Muslim, but it is very hard to do it in America.

This is another test of his to see how far he can go and how far you'll let him go.
Depending on what kind rap he's listening to, perhaps asking him to tone it down. Cutting it off completely won't help as he'll do it secretly and it's better he do it publicly in front of you then do it behind your back.
Perhaps set limits that he can only play xbox for one hour, and he can only watch t.v. for one hour. Perhaps let him listen to music yet introduce him to islamic nasheeds, qasidahs and get brothers from the masjid to invite him on sport outings. Get him involved in some sports for him to get his frustrations out.
Even get him a blog so he can vent it all out there rather than take it out on his family.

I also think you guys need to lay off on the pressure on him and not expect way too much of him.
He's seventeen afterall and putting so much on him at this time can cause him to lose control.

He talks back and tries to be the dominant one in the arguments. He doesn’t respect anyone in the family. Now days, he is even raising his hands on his siblings and even on his mother. How can we, as the family, help him out?

Another test. Perhaps his teacher or the kids around him talk back to their elders and this is what he's seeing and picking up on. See how the attitude is in the teacher and the way they teach. Is their methods to your standards? strict? not?
When he raises his hands towards you in anger, immediately tell him to stop. Use your hand to block him from socking you. If you guys take self defense classes you can learn to defend yourself. Perhaps that's what he needs is a good wake up call.

My mom is very tired and upset with him. She can’t handle him. She has a high blood pressure; she can’t deal with him all the time. So sometimes, she ignores him and let him do whatever he wants.
What should we do with him? Is there any du`a we can read?

I can imagine that she is very tired with dealing with him and upset that it's not going as according to plan. But life is all about ups and downs and bad and good times. She should try to be patient but as well as come to an understanding of what her son could be going through in what you're trying to get him to accomplish. Perhaps talk to him, and I mean sit down and talk to him about everything, get everything out in the open and on the table.
Set up rules in the house, and say it has to be followed or else. The else consequences can be for every time you misbehave you will be fined $.50 cents and this money will be donated to a charitable cause. Any time he talks back, swears, hits, is rude and such he'll be charged 50 cents on a 1st, 2nd offense.
If he keeps doing it, then you can increase the rate to 1 dollar and so forth.

She shouldn't give up in dealing with him because that's what he wants.
maybe he should take a break from it all and re-think on what he wants to do with his life for real, for himself without the pressures of the family expecting too much for him.

Remember he's a kid and let him live as a kid because once you're grown that's it you can't go back to that youth and he doesnt want to lose his youth before trying out the youth experiences.

I know you're trying to do the best thing you feel is right for your brother, but sometimes letting nature take its course is better than losing him altogether.

Insha'Allah things will be ok.
take care

[UmmIbrahimIsa]

Wanted to add, that during the winter breaks there are usually deen intensive retreats for brothers and MYNA programs for brothers his age.

Perhaps he can join that, participate in that as well as sport outings.

He just needs a good influence in his life as well as someone who can be there for him and someone he can trust and count on. Perhaps too many people let him down and he lost trust and lost hope in them. Perhaps he has given up on himself because everyone else around him has given up on him.

I mean look at it this way, this one kid gets perfect marks all the time. He comes home with A's and his test scores are usually 95, 96, 98, 99.

Instead of praising the child for such a great job accomplishment at the hard work. What does the parent do?
They worry about those other marks he didn't get, such as he got a 95, so they ask about the other 5 that he didn't get and why?
he gets a 99 and he misses it out of 1 and they complain to him that he should have gotten it all and should know better.
one kid gets all perfect, yet instead of saying great job, they ask why his handwriting is so messy.

Why are the parents putting so much pressure on their child?

My sons regardless of their marks I never say why don't you guys get perfect marks, even if they end up missing some I say masha'Allah at least you tried your best and that's good enough for me.
People might disagree with me on that but I feel that if you put too much pressure on your children, they just don't want to be happy children anymore.
They'll be frustrated all the time, they'll suffer from low self-esteem and have low insecurities. They just won't want to participate in anything because no one believes in them enough for them to try.

Sometimes they'll rebel in hopes to get attention, sometimes they'll be frustrated because no one understands them truly. And I mean truly understand them.

Have you tried to sit down and ask your brother, what's wrong?

Was there ever a time in where you and your brother would talk about life in general? It could be anywhere from how's the weather to what kind of sports he's into?

WHen you're listening to your brother talk about his problems or issues or anything, just try to pick up on the tone of his voice, the way he's speaking, the attitude, the hand gestures if he has any, if he's nervous, scared, or whatever.

Is there any past abuse that has happened to him? Try to pick up on that and see.
My main advice though would be to talk to him and to really listen to his issues.

All the stuff you described is to say he needs HELP and he needs it right now.
This is his only way to get your attention and it seems as if kids want to get their parents attention they have to misbehave in order for the parents to give them the time of day.

Allahu Alim
Good luck.

[Live for Islam]

Sending him for (Tablighi) Jamaat for 3 days first, then 40 days, would Insha-Allah be very beneficial.

Also, get rid of the T.V. completely.

The reasons why our kids are going wrong these days and are tempting towards wrong, is because of what they watch on the television. We give our kids the worse possible "friend", and then suffer when they go wrong. Get rid of the television, monitor/restrict their time on the internet... DO NOT give them mobile phones until they show an understanding of how to utilise it in appropriate manner and if you are sure they won't misuse it.

It's not an easy task bringing up children especially living in the West, but this responsibility that we have can be made so much easier if we followed the Sunnah of Nabi and the commands of Allah.

Try talking to your brother in a gentle manner, advise him kindly.

May Allah make things easy for you & your family, and may He grant us all the tawfeeq to be good to our parents. Ameen.

[kalsoom]

[QUOTE=MuhammadAmin;148006]This type of selfishness needs to be nipped in the bud.

The fellow needs to maybe hear this speech:

http://www.islamicmedia.com.au/napoleon.php
A riveting talk of how someone was raised amongst music, murderers and corruption, yet still was able to find his way through to the light of Islam from the darkness he once was in.
QUOTE]

I'm going to put this website on my desktop so he can see it when he goes online.

[kalsoom]

There was one poem floating around about mothers and their haqq (rights) on us. Maaaan... it made me cry and want to go kiss her feet.

Does anone know what I'm talking about? Maybe you can tie him down and read that to him... that is of course if he won't read it himself first. hehe

that was funny. let me know if you find it. ok

[kalsoom]

Have you tried kicking him out in the street and making him try and live on his own?

i know for sure my mom won't ever do that.

[kalsoom]

Good points above Mashallah.

From experience, I suggest that a member of the Tabligh Jamaat come to meet him and take him on an outing for three days.

This is only my suggestion.

The work of tabligh is very active in Chicago. Perhaps you can get him in contact with some brothers from masjid nur or jame masjid.

He does go to tabligh jamaat with his dad and sometimes alone

[kalsoom]

How about discussing the issue with his Hifz teacher? I'm sure that will help. I was a teacher at CPSA in Lombard for four years. Do I know him? Did he ever study at CPSA?

Salam,
Nazim
www.xanga.com/emam

When I will talk to my mom, I will emphasize on telling his teacher about this problem.

[kalsoom]

Assalamu alaikum wr wb

Remember he's a kid and let him live as a kid because once you're grown that's it you can't go back to that youth and he doesnt want to lose his youth before trying out the youth experiences.

I know you're trying to do the best thing you feel is right for your brother, but sometimes letting nature take its course is better than losing him altogether.

Insha'Allah things will be ok.
take care

We decided to let him hifz quran because the kids around him were very bad in elementary school. They were worest than him. Going to high school would be asking him to join them in their bad behavior and activities. some of the kids are on streets now.
He talks all the time with my mom about his life. He wants to hang out with his friends and my mom doesn't trust or like the kids of the neighborhood. So she won't send him out side with kids she doesn't know. He is allowed to go to his friends house, who we know. She doesn't want to take any chances of him getting in serious trouble.
In the family, he is the only one who gets to do whatever he wants. He picks the cartoon movies, the games, the places where they go to play, and the things he wants to do. He gets to invite his friends over. Every time we do something, it’s always about him. He does chores when ever he feels like it or else he won’t move. He is very self-centered.