Love, too, is Inherited

[HugsFromQ8]

Love, too, is Inherited

(From the hadith "Love is inherited" in Al Adab Al Mufrad, a compilation on manners and etiquettes collected by Imam Bukhari)
An anonymous sister shares her heartache at the stagnant state of her relationship – and her resolve to turn it around.

As a wedding gift, we received a frame, in beautiful Arabic calligraphy, of the Quranic verse: “And from His signs is that He has created for you, from among yourselves, spouses, so that you may dwell in tranquility with them. And He has placed love and Mercy between your hearts. Therein are signs for those who reflect.” Those days, we reminded ourselves that the love we shared was a mercy from Allah, the Most Loving. We knew we were each other’s garments.

Somehow, as we moved house several times, and our hearts also made several moves of their own, that frame found its way to a dusty basement, among boxes of memorabilia that no one has the heart to part with, amid boxes that we hope will one day be unpacked. Whereas once it stood proud, reminding us of our love, today, it is symbolic of all the dust that has set into our lives. Our marriage lies in two boxes. The first is memories of laughter and friendship; the second is a box that is should be attended to, but neither of us has the energy to expend on it.

Where did the love go? When last were we able to take delight in each other’s company? When did intellectually stimulating conversation get replaced by terse discussions about the current sad state of affairs? When did the love notes get replaced by a folder – application for khula’ – a folder that I have not yet deleted, as the possibility lies in a question mark.

“Love too is inherited” our Prophet taught. And even if, for no other reason but that our children will learn from our ability to love, it is essential that we preserve that love. We serve our husbands. They learn the lesson behind the service: is it executed with ihsaan, in the best possible way, or grudgingly when we feel we have no choice. They see it in our preparation of meals, in the smile with which we great our spouse. Do we relish their company, or look for an opportunity to escape?

“Love, too is inherited” said our Prophet (SAW).

I look at my daughter, and wish for her a husband who will nurture her, accept her special whimsies, and see the warmth behind her seemingly hot temperament. I look at my son, and pray that he will find a partner who will stand by him through his trials, accept his weaknesses and his strengths, who will see his sincerity. From us, they will learn to love, to accept love, and to expect love.

And so, I take stock of my ledger. In the black book in the recesses of my mind, every action of his is recorded and revisited. When the going gets rough, it is almost as if I remember every negative word or action, with relish, and take pleasure in my sorrows. Will I balance that with the times he has loved me when I was unlovable? With the gentleness he showed me when I was at my weakest? When I read of the Prophet (SAW)’s tenderness to his wives, will I look at him as failing to keep up with the prophetic example, or will I see that I was no Khadija to the trials and hardships that he faced?
Love too is inherited. What legacy will I pass on?

So, tonight, while my heart is still sore, and I fear his rejection, after all I have done and said, I will risk being vulnerable. And learn the secrets that come only to those who can risk being vulnerable.

I will risk making the first moves to reconciliation.

Because love, too, is inherited.

This article was published in the second issue of SISTERS.
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[Dhul-Qarnayn]

When the going gets rough, it is almost as if I remember every negative word or action, with relish, and take pleasure in my sorrows.

So then what is he doing wrong?

Will I balance that with the times he has loved me when I was unlovable? With the gentleness he showed me when I was at my weakest?

Unlikely. People very easily overlook nice behavior towards themselves from others. They instinctively take it for granted because they're busy thinking and concentrating on more important things (things that they can't take for granted or expect).

When I read of the Prophet (SAW)’s tenderness to his wives, will I look at him as failing to keep up with the prophetic example, or will I see that I was no Khadija to the trials and hardships that he faced?

The latter is very unlikely.

Sounds like a failed relationship. She sounds like she's giving it another try for the kids' sake, which is honorable, but she only spent a few lines talking about the kids. She herself wants the khula it would appear.

The key to success in marriage starts way before the marriage ever happened. It happens with spiritual reformation, with self-effacement, and with placing the Nafs in chains and making it subservient to your true self, and by strengthening the Qalb/heart.

That is the only way to learn true humility, and true humility is the only way to make human relationships work properly and not make them seem torturous. When someone threw dust onto Hazrat Uthman (ra), he wasn't angry, he was thankful that a person who he thinks deserves Hellfire only received ashes. When a slave attains that sort of station, then the affronts committed by a spouse might as well be invisible. In fact, the light emanating from their own changed view will of course affect someone such as a spouse who is in such close proximity to them.

[UmmeGibrel]

It's called positive thinking. A person who is always assuming things, has no paitence, can't hold her tongue, always alert and curious, unforgiving, and unaccepting... will surely find marriage life quite miserable.

But at many times there are other people too involved in the break down of relationships. The mother-in-laws, sister-in-laws, friends, family.... they all have thier roles to play. However, it all depends upon you, and how you take things in. If you deal with the problems cooly and avoid arguments then it may do some good.

Also, i've noticed, and others too must have noticed, that husbands have a soft corner in thier hearts for thier mothers. That's becasue of the love that Allah has placed in thier hearts and the love which they had given to them while they were young and helpless. If you think you can change the situation by telling your husband what her mother has done to you, or whatever... then don't expect him to show more love towards you. Its fruitless at times, and things don't change... It only makes him think your too sensitive, and that you assume things. That love which you want from him, will only come to you, if you put a smile and hide your tears, if you say you love his family like you love him becasue they are his parents and his family, and he is your family and you are part of their family now. Complaining will weaken his thoughts and make him distressed at work place, he will not be able to concentrate on anything. At the end he will come and blame you. Why? because you are one who is supposed to lighten his stress and not increase it. He has other things to worry about and you complaining will add more and more to his misery.

So, always have positive thinking and show hikmah in dealing with such issues. Insha'Allah

May Allah shower His love in the hearts of all spouses. Ameen.

[Dhul-Qarnayn]

I'm pretty sure relieving stress isn't included in the list of rights that a husband has over his wife. That kind of defies the meaning of the following verse:

"Women shall have rights similar to the rights upon them; according to what is equitable and just; and men have a degree of advantage over them."
-Qur'an (2:216)

That degree of advantage isn't so much in a woman's subservience to her husband, but rather her obeyance. There's a difference. And the reason for that is to balance out the fact that the man has increased responsibilities for taking care of his spouse. That's right. A woman winds up having more rights over a man (in that she is entitled to expect him to take care of her), and in return he is entitled to expect her to obey his wishes in matters where he puts his foot down.

They are partners in life. A husband and wife primarily need each other for the same reasons men and women need each other. They can't reproduce and raise kids on their own, or manage a life on their own (working and managing all the affairs of a household).

The relieving stress idea, or the idea that spouses are meant to comfort each other is spelled out in Islam to illustrate the true nature of that relationship. The very idea of a wife is a comfort to a man, and vice-versa. The practical reality may be different, and this is where Islam as a way of life comes in to help people deal with life and other people.

Not to mention it's a woman's right to ask for seperate accomodations from the husband's family. She's not there to wait on his family hand and foot, she's only obligated to help him, not his family. The idea that completely serving a man's family like that is helping him isn't true, that's beyond help. There's nothing wrong with thinking that she's now a part of his family, but it might indicate an incorrect mindset again if one assumes that the husband's family has any real rights over his wife. The husband and the wife start a new (sub-)family together.

The relations that are spouses, parents, children, are the closest. In-laws, siblings, aunts, uncles, etc. are actually a level removed... for instance, look at Hazrat Yusuf (as) and what his brothers did. That's not to say betrayal doesn't happen amongst spouses, parents, and children, but it is the most rare amongst these. And of the three, spouses are the only ones we have control over, biological strangers who enter our lives out of nowhere and suddenly enjoy the most rights from us and the closest relations to us. Therefore extreme caution and care should be taken in everything from selecting a spouse, the marriage, to life after marriage.

A rule of thumb for knowing how to treat your wife is to imagine if you weren't allowed out of your house at all, and had to rely completely on someone else (this isn't the case with women, but just think of it this way here). How would you feel? What would bring you comfort or stress? Men would be incorrect in assuming that women naturally love the indoors-y life of a housewife and have no interest of venturing outdoors ever. That's a sacrifice they make. They put trust in you to help them out. It's just as hard to leash a lioness as it is to leash a lion.

[Dhul-Qarnayn]

There's that Hadith where the Prophet (saw) said if people were allowed to bow to each other, it'd be first a wife before her husband.

That illustrates a few things.

Does she bow to him because she's inferior? Like how Iblis was ordered to bow before Adam (as)? That's not true, that's getting into Christian territory of the original sin and isn't befitting Islam.

It's more likely because she owes him. Meaning that act would actually balance them further. He has earned it (her bowing to him). But they aren't allowed to do it, so it just shows that the degree of difference lies more with the women enjoying just a few more rights and the men enjoying just a few more responsibilities. And yes, real men enjoy responsibility (though not in seeking it) and discharging the rights of others, it suits their nature.

And Allah knows best.

[Dhul-Qarnayn]

btw, re: this idea of a woman's subservience to her husband... I still maintain that a subservient woman is a lazy one (though it's not forbidden or anything, just expressing my personal opinion on the matter). A good wife is one who isn't subservient, but obeys her husband, fulfills all his rights, and then if she's in love (and following Islamic guidelines creates the optimum atmosphere for this, externally and internally), whether with the husband or the ultimate form of romantic love that is with Allah through the husband, expresses it by voluntarily doing things that might appear to be subservient because that's how human beings express love... they enjoy it. love is to provide comfort to the beloved.

and if a woman sees naught but Allah, she may voluntarily choose these things just to please Him because Allah has made it clear that it would, without requiring it (just as how divorce displeases Him but is not forbidden at all).

and don't confuse good manners, patience, and humility for subservience. (also, when i say 'subservience' i mean the definition of the word in english.) those qualities go without saying when i mention 'a good spouse', and those are done for Allah, not the husband. the husband just happens to be the vehicle that Allah gave them for the expression thereof.

remember, your wives are other people's daughters. they are the mothers of your children.

[UmmeGibrel]

i see... well, i personally help out the whole family, because i don't want any trouble coming from any side... although it's hard, life is tough that way.

Some men, are like kids, they may look after you but you need to take care of thier emotional state so that they can stand still and not fall elsewhere.

If all men could think like you do, then the world would have been a much better place.

[Dhul-Qarnayn]

i see... well, i personally help out the whole family, because i don't want any trouble coming from any side... although it's hard, life is tough that way.

Some men, are like kids, they may look after you but you need to take care of thier emotional state so that they can stand still and not fall elsewhere.

If all men could think like you do, then the world would have been a much better place.

My apologies, sister. I didn't mean to sound lecturing (especially because you don't need to know how to treat a wife, lol...). I made that post from my home computer where I have images disabled, so I assumed you were a brother.

[UmmeGibrel]

No worries.