Dear brothers and sisters
Over the last few years I've been on a self re discovering and soul searching journey in order to rediscover my religion Islam and Allah. I have been really pulling towards God. I have had a few stressful few years and Allah is guiding me slowly but surely alhamdhulillah.
I've been down and in the dumps over the last few years and it has been very hard for me. Due to this I started doing sins such as watching internet material that I shouldnt watch (I havent done any sin such as fornication etc). I promise myself not do do it again and pray to Allah for forgiveness and yet end up doing it again and then repeating the process. It's not a regular everyday thing, it happen every few weeks or so and mainly when i'm feeling low but the guilt is huge. I have seen things enfold in my life thanks to my and my parents prayers with which Allah is really turning my life around but just the other day i watched the stuff online again and it led to mastb ( I dont wish to mention the full word but you guys know what it is)..i was filled with intense guilt as i knew Allah is really helping me now and im also reading namaz and remembering and thanking Allah often.
My head keeps saying that Allah will never forgive me and despite some life changing favourable things that he has done for me I have blown it by my behaviour which im determined to stop(its not an addiction as i only do it when im upset or bored).
Will Allah help me out of this and will he forgive me despite me promising him not to do it again but yet still doing it again and then saying sorry to him, praying and doing zikr and then doing this silly habit again....how can i overcome this weakness.
I'm feeling terrible and want to get closer to Allah but how can i when i do this thing that upsets him yet he is obvisouly helping me in my life.
It drives me to tears.