Mashallah this is a Beatifull story of a Beautifull sister.
It is very inspirational mashallah
Here it is:
Asalaamo aleykum ,
This is my story of how I reverted.
Before my birth my biological father run off when he found out I was on the way. My mother was forced to give me up for adoption and so directly after birth I went to a orphanage. My mother met another man in South Africa on holiday and he had planned to kidnap me out of the orphanage, but was stopped by my mother's family for doing so. I stayed in that orphanage untill I was 2 1/2. Then I got fosterparents. They wear extremely cruel, as ...the doctor told them just after marriage that they couldnot get children, so they registered for adopting a child....then they miraculous got three sons and forgot about the registration. When after some years the agency came with me, the mother was very dissappointed but ( as she numerous times told me) they felt forced as their Christian duty to accept me anyway though they hated the fact I was a girl. She always told and tought me I was the filthiest creature God ever made on earth, and that even a cat was cleaner as she would lick herself clean. Therefor she used to put me daily in the most horrifieing and humiliating situations and abuses untill at the age of 7, she called on her sons in the livingroom and "gave" me to them, while she and her husband would watch. They were very practising Christians i.e. they went to church every sunday and we'ld pray 3 / 4 times a day, help a lot with charities and all.
The sexual and fysical abuse got so far that from I was 11 they used to tie me up with belts and ropes beaten me up daily and regular kept me awake at nights to clean, and used me numerous times at gunpoint or with threatning with a "bowie-knife". When I was sick, they made me stand in a kind of hole in the backgarden till I fainted while they observed behind the windows.
I used to have many fantasy-worlds where I would live continuesly, had imaginary friends and parents. Well...only a fatherfigure really, "mothers" just freaked me out to death. Where I would be always, just feeling like I wasnot here anymore. And I wasn't. I used to dream about foreign places to go, foreign times and people. Just as long as I wouldnot be there.
When I was 17 I went to look for my biological mother as she had only left me a diary when she left me. I found her parents and called them, and they were so happy. but as I didnot realize my childhood was not 'normal', ..one day grandpa asked me "how it was yesterday" ( just for the chat )..and I breezy told him they had tied me up again and hang me out of the third floor window on the roof by my feet for I didnot want to 'cooperate'. So grandpa and all went shocked and called the childfare here and at the same time the fosterparents found out I had layed contact with my biological family and they kicked me out, back to the orphanage.
After a few months of refusing to talk as I thought there was nothing shocking or serious to talk about, there was a documentary on tv about incest and the girl was all crying and sad there. And I felt disguisted and filled with laughter ridiculing through the tv-lounge :" THAT is why she is crying ??? so stupid, that happened to me to , why would she cry ???" So.....again everybody shocked and called childfare again......they came over just to tell me and the orphange they had known that they raped me since I was 11 for the fostermother asked them to keep quiet if it would ever come up.....again people shocked.....
They made me tell more and more and I got more and more confused and in pain. I used to faint quiet often, get panic-attacks, mutilated my hands and head against the wall frequent and even took overdose of sleepingpills. they made me meet my biological mother, who lives in South Africa, and she got panic and told me she was very dissappointed that I didnot had a ponytail ( amazing but true ) and that my childhood wasnot what she thought to see and she couldnot handle that and abandonned me ( again).
I went on trial against one of the sons for I feared my fostermother too much, and won the trial, but the loneliness and abandonness got too much of me and made me get a nervous breakdown completely and I locked myself up in my house, losed my job , and went back to my fantasyworlds. I lived as a zombie, I had no clue, awareness at all of the 'outside' world. I feared the world outside so immense, I had darkened my windows with sheets, and lived for years on crackers and peanutbutter . Every contact with the outside just confused me totally and I felt I wasnot human even. I knew there was something different with me, with my head, as it felt broken in peaces. I went to the hospital to have a CT scan and EEG, just to show them my head was broken, but the neurologist said it was fine, only had too many concussions he said, that is all. But I still was sure my head didn't work the same as other people, and I lived in tremendous pain and like nightmares while I was awake. The pain inside got so terrible I sometimes had to run on the street in the middle of the night as to scream for help.
At one of those nights I came pass a church and I wrote on a little paper a message if the 'minister of the church would please have me in, and I slipped the note in the church mailbox. The next day the minister called and invited me over and I felt save. Everytime the pain was too severe I could go there. Through that church I got to know a woman who was into New Age...and she gave me a poetrybook of Rabindranath Tagore about God. This was so beautiful that I went to a bookstore and found more poetrybooks , but from Inayat Khan. When I read his poetry and books I wished I would marry such a man.
I used to visit a Pakistani clothes shop and the lady there introduced me to a friend of her family. The moment I saw him I knew he would be my husband. Only he didnot neccesary feel the same so strong about me. Only after a week or so I told him about my childhood and he couldnot believe it. Rather...he laughed and called me a lier. I told him the f*** word and went outside. When I came back he apologized and said he had never heard from this kind of childhood / parents in his whole life. He said he just couldnot believe it to be true as it was too outrageous and he said he asked Allah to let him show me what love is and let him show me what to be cared for/about is, and that he loved to be my husband and make me loose my pain one day Inshallah. I agreed to marry him and called my mother in SA to tell her so. A few weeks later we married in Pakistan. After taht a specialist found out that I have Multiple Personality Disorder, it's a Dissociative Disorder that helped me survive and still does. I have 19 personalities / parts who connect and speak with eachother even through the induvidual moving of my fingers and muscles in my face/arms and legs, since several personalities are paralyzed of speech.
I said Shahada at my Nikkah, and knew the meaning, though I didnot know much more about real Islam, since all my books were really Sufi books. My husband told me he is Sunni Muslim, but that was it. I rarely saw or knew him to pray, he never fasted, never said salaam to me, never taught me anything about hijab, haraam food ( except pork), he never read Quran, never taught me about alcohol and much much more. Just after our first son was born he did adhaan in his ear and I had the child circumsized, and that was it. Only after 2 years of marrige I met another reverted sister and she asked me "are you Muslim?" and I didnot know what to tell her. I said " I think so, I am not sure?"..This made me interest in Islam. I bought booklets about salaat, I asked my husband for a Quran and started to wear khimaar. and read more books.
My husband really didnot like this much. He had a meeting with friends and they also warned him that a revert is more "fundamental" then they were and his only response was to them " Saffia will never love Allah more then me ". So, he used to humiliate and insult me often about my hijab, he used to call me names and often order me to take it off when being with his/our friends and non mahram family. He would say mocking to the neighbours " look, I don't have a dutch wife, I have a Turk ", he even once kicked me under my butt over a tourist street when he felt embarressed of the drunken Kufar looking at me,... mocking " Hey, why are you so nasty mood ? Come on and laugh ! " Often when a Kufar or so is near, he calls me names, openly ridiculing my hijab. I have gotten stronger and stronger over the years. I refuse to take my hijab off since 2 years now Alhamdulillah. But the threats have gone worse. He even has threatened to break my nose and destroy my face if I wouldnot take it off for his friends, and Alhamdulillah I am strong I bear it. He even threatened to kidnap my children to Pakistan if I would obey Allah over him , ( the next day he went to a striptease-bar) and Alhamdulillah I bear it. I am the one to teach our children 'salaam', to teach them salaat and now 5 short Surahs memorized. Since 5 years I refuse to drink alcohol and even secretly emptied some beercans of him in the drain. When he was depressed of how 'rich' the non-believer was in compare with him, I had read him 3 ayahs from Quran. But as a thanks , he got furious and told me if I ever recited a word from Quran he would destroy my face. Now I only read Quran with the children and my oldest (8) makes constant duaa that we become Hafidha one day, mashallah. It is all the same with removing pictures/ statues in the house, or one day I told my son to beware of the meat he bought, that it was haraam and he should not eat with him. He furiated completely, saying how dare I humiliate him in front of his children. And he grabbed me and shouted and threatened me and all. it is not allowed, he constant puts me down by saying that he found me a non-believer and he will always see me as one.
I have Faith in Allah Ta'ala. I know He sees me and He hears my prayers. I have faith that He is with me. I feel blessed that I have Islam now. He so often Shuker Alhamdulillah answers my prayers beofre the next prayertime enters. So often. I donot tell my husband that often, for I think he will be shocked as to how many duaas came and come true. I donot feel alone or lonely. I told Allah that as am to weak to run and I fear he will kidnap my children ( and raise them according to his way of practising the Deen) I will stay and bear my husband treatment and insults, just thanking that he only gives me another reason to let my tears drop on my prayer rug. Then sometimes I go to my husband and tell him with wet and tears-full red-face " see? This is how you make Duaa !" and I point to my face. And I know he must think about it. I know Allah ta'ala is so near. Last year Alhamdulillah my husband started to pray a little. This year he prays 5 times a week max. Last year he started to join fasting with me also. And even since 10 months ( Inshallah) he hasnot drunk alcohol. I have had the most wonderful mails from sisters here about Sabr and the reward of Allah, and that is what I hold strong to. I often think of that Hadith of the black woman with epilepcy. And I want to be as strong as she.I wouldnot want Allah to take away my headaches and limitations in my head, I couldnot live without. I feel it is Allah Who gave me this pains to help me coope with life after all. I know I forget so much due to the pressure and constant pain in my head, and I have constant black-outs, all day long. Often I cry why my head and life seems so difficult and Alhamdulillah I realise that it is only bearable for me as long as I have faith in Allah's Love, Power and Reward. Then with this in my thoughts I don't mind the torment, all the losses and hatric and insults and confusement. I still fear going outside alone, fear of getting lost in my panic . I only dream and pray that Allah gives me the time and strength to see my children grow up and become a grandma. Then , I tell Allah, if they donot need me anymore, He may take me with Him. And I love to go with Him, I dream of Him embracing me, holding me close to Him, and that I never have to bear any pain ever again.
ps. I realise it looks like my husband is very cruel, and that scares me , I should tell that he does treat me very well as a woman, and his wife, just not the "Muslimah part" of it so much. Well, it is so, when a practising Muslim comes over he talks very proud of me, when a Kufaar comes over he talks bad and complains about me . At moments when he needs me most, he tells me he is proud of me that I am a Muslimah, but when that time is over, it is bad again.
O well, my head is broken, please forgive me for talking so openly about this part of my Muslim-life, please forgive me ?