To what extent should a women tolerate a man hitting her in marriage? Should she ask for a divorce or not? How should she deal with his anger? Please can you all give your advice/opinioon?
Btw, this is not for me but for a very close friend of mine.
abuse in marriage
To what extent should a women tolerate a man hitting her in marriage? Should she ask for a divorce or not? How should she deal with his anger? Please can you all give your advice/opinioon?
Btw, this is not for me but for a very close friend of mine.
Re: abuse in marriage
Originally Posted by happinessx100
A man hitting someone anyone means that there is a problem somewhere, either in marriage or at work or somewhere else and he is taking his frustrations out (in the wrong way).
The issue should be discussed and resolved and hitting would then go away automatically.
I am not justifying the hitting in anyway, simply saying that there must be a reason for it and try to resolve the reason.
If no meaningful dialogue can occur then there is a serious problem in the relationship.
Re: abuse in marriage
asslam alaikum sister- he cna not hit you even if he is angry with something at work or whatever- he seems to have a issue in regards to anger management- i would suggest you tell him kindley that you do not appreciate being a battered wife- then if he continues and you are not doing anything wrong i persoanlly would seek khula and get rid, you dont want to end up dead because of him- hell get another wife but you wont get your life back, perhaps you could contact the shariah council? im sure they offer counselling.
Re: abuse in marriage
Yes, he does have a problem with himself but she cannot help him with it. From an Islamic point of view colonel , should I advise her to get out of the marriage? Please can you all reply as this is a very serious problem for her and she is considering getting out of the marriage but is scared she will become one the women who are sinful for asking for a divorce. Would appreciate some answers from the scholars too, aswell as some sisters (sudoko, soupy, kayra) and anyone else who can offer good advice please.
A man hitting someone anyone means that there is a problem somewhere, either in marriage or at work or somewhere else and he is taking his frustrations out (in the wrong way).
The issue should be discussed and resolved and hitting would then go away automatically.
I am not justifying the hitting in anyway, simply saying that there must be a reason for it and try to resolve the reason.
If no meaningful dialogue can occur then there is a serious problem in the relationship.
Re: abuse in marriage
May Allah (SWT) ease her pain (Ameen). Please review this thread and feel free to take a similar course of action and contact Mufti Zubair Butt
In my humble opinion the Sister should post her question directly (anonymously if she wishes) in great detail and obtain a ruling from a competent Mufti, Insha'Allah.
Re: abuse in marriage
When you involve yourself in Haraam activitites, then nothing will go smoothly for you. It's funny though, because the man needs help and so does the woman in this type of situation, not funny haha ok the other one! anyways yesinshaAllah you will find a good kind hearted Alim/shiekh to advice you better on this.
Is that true, those women who ask for a divorce are sinners? What even if she didnt mean to say it? Situations were tight, and she could'nt see it getting better? mate this life is so confusing:S
"Our Lord, do not impose blame upon us if we have forgotten or erred. Our Lord, and lay not upon us a burden like that which You laid upon those before us. Our Lord, and burden us not with that which we have no ability to bear. "
Re: abuse in marriage
Assalaamu Alaikum,
First of all, if there is a violent situation ocurring, one should get him/herself out that situation and into a place of safety.
For the sake of thist post, I am going to write according to the situation of a man hitting his wife.
From my professional experience, I can tell you that the reasons why domestic violence exists is most often out of a man's desire for control in some area of his life. Typically, he is not in control and using physical violence as a means to exert control, and it's unfortunate that he displaces his anger and resorts to devasting means of expression on another human being. Many times the man has psychological issues which need to be dealt with because his perception of life as we all except he knows it is a bit skewed. I am not saying that is all his fault; he himself could have been a victim growing up or witnessing this type of expression. We are all guilty of taking experiences from our upbrining into our life as adults; we are also accountable for our behavior when we become of age. Unfortunately, for a man who is trying to express himself by means of force/control/violence it's going to be a difficult task to get him into counseling and listening to a professional. No one has the right to abuse another person married or not. The man is supposed to be the protector of the family. Who will a wife turn to if her protector is the one harming her? So he must get help.
That being said. The woman also needs to pay close attention so that she may be able to figure out what his triggers are - not because if he gets angry it's justifiable to hit her EVEN if she is the cause of his anger. By the way, cause of anger is so subjective. People with psychological issues/personality issues will get angry and sometimes happy for any reason and tend to take out their emotions of happiness/anger on who ever is present. Then that person will tend to blame another person for his lack of control. This is a huge mistake in placing blame that often resorts in the victim being further victimized also emotionall in addition to the phsycial abuse. So, let it be clearly understood that one person's apparent lack of ability to control one's hand from hitting another person is NOT anyone's fault except the hitter.
Back to what I was saying. So as a wife, I know what makes my husband happy and sad. In marriage, in a normal marriage that is, if my husband is angry I do look at myself first to see if I have not given him his right. I should take these opportunities to self analyze and become a better wife and therefore as a result a better Muslim or one could say it the reverse. However, with an abusive spouse, this is not the case. Typically there is no satisfying that person or it's impossible to make him happy just by ensuring rights are given as Allah swt asks. Because the mind of that person is in the mindframe that doesn't allow gratitude or acceptance. Enough is never enough...but again, mostly it's nothing to do with the wife per se. He could be having a tough time at work and he comes home not smiling, wife asks why he is looking unhappy and shockingly the conversation deginerates into a fist fight...and the wife is still on top of that made to believe that she was picking on him and prying in his life..and the hit was her fault. I made it very simple for the sake of understanding, but relationships are very complex and have their histories.
How much is enough. This is a very good question. It would be impossible for me to define that. It really depends on the overall character and situation and intensity even. Not that even a punch is ok.
A few things to think about is:
-what is the character of that person
-did it just come from no where or was the wife yelling, throwing things, hitting first? (not saying it's ok or that anything of this sort happened but from my experience, the whole truth isn't always told in these situations, and I'm not saying she started anything etc..I'm just talking generally)
-did he ever do it before?
-does he drink? do drugs? go to suscipious places? have suspicious company?
-does he say his prayers and observe other ibadah?
-does he seem to just have had something odd happen to him that he struck? Just from no where he just did it and can't figure out himself why it happened?
-does he abuse the children in anyway?
-does he hit other objects or throw things?
-does he harm animals or do odd things in anger?
As you see there are a series of questions of interest that have to be taken into consideration. Personally, if my husband hit me, I would assume something very serious has happened to him and he's lost his sanity. It's just....extremely out of character. He doesn't even raise his voice. It is just something I can not in my wildest of nightmares imagine would happen. If he hit me, no I would not leave him or divorce him over that because I am sure that something awful has gone wrong OR I for sure must have done something extremely..extremely...extremely bad that he with all of his extraorinary control couldn't believe. Even still....I just can't imagine this scenario. But tihs is my husband. Does her husband have a habit of yelling and using bad language? Is he this kind of person inside?
It still doesn't answer your question. It's impossible to answer really. She has to think about these things and evaluate fairly what is happening here. If it is something that keeps happening, like more than twice I'd say, she really should leave the house and take the children until he figures out what is wrong with him. I wouldn't divorce him right off. I'd give him some time to get into counseling OR if he refused yes I would leave that person because he's unstable and abusive. No one deserves to be abused. No one also deserves to grow up with out their parent or live without their husband. It's ALL unfair and highly undesireable.
But I want to share another thing. Typcially in households in which the family is humbly observing the teachings of Islam in heart and action..these issues are non existant. People of these households have patience and control over their emotions and they also are already avoiding what is haram and to the point of what is doubtful even. So, the way to FIX these problems to tell you the truth ... is to practice Islam in letter and in spirit from the core of one's heart with sincerity. Obviously this is NOT happening in the household at least not jointly, hence these problems arise. Sometimes one person is practicing but the spouse is not and also creating difficulties for the practicing one. This is why it's so very important to choose the spouse wisely and with the right intentions and the right basis.
Whatever is the case in the household, Allah knows better, I can only advise that her to judge the situation fairly if possible. If you think she cannot then try to be there for her. If he is doing something grossly harmful then yes she should leave immediately. Perhaps if it's very terrible then she can place a restraining order on him. It's extremly unfortunate that for Muslim men this is sometimes a necessity.
If I can help out in any other way please let me know. I apologize if this is choppy and disorganized. My time was very short. Please forgive me for my mistakes. May Allah help us all live according to his deen. Ameen.
Aisha
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