Should a woman include' NO Second Wife' condition in marriage contract

[hope1]

In my humble and unqualified opinion you guys should have less bravado and respect people's feelings and emotions, particularly our Sisters.

It isn't nice when a woman physically works so hard to have children and loses her appeareance and attractiveness in the process and then finds out that her man (who she put at the centre of the world) is gone with a younger, cuter, fitter Model...

It isn't nice and and you guys should ditch the Macho attitude.

If we (men) were to get sick, get cancer or physically disabled then our wives would put up with us YET as soon as our wives have multiple children, stretch marks, vericose vains, back pains, weight gain etc puts her beneath our needs.

I understand that men have needs and I also understand that Allah (SWT) has given us permissions and leeway NEVERTHELESS some sensitivity wouldn't go amiss here.

To be honesty if I was a woman I WOULD NOT MARRY THE MORON who has the kind of opinions which are being expressed here or someone who is insensitive to his first wife. No doubt there are needs but there need to better and polite ways to express them.

I can see why this may be an issue for Sisters, I can really see that...

Assalamu alaikum,

You are our elder, so if I said something wrong or MORONIC then please point it out specifically. I will remove my post or edit it. This general admonition does no good to me in terms of knowing my mistake. Next time I will just post verbatim from Beheshti Zewar instead of writing in my own words - maybe then it will not be MORONIC or insensitive. When fuqaha write fiqh books I am sure they are not trying to sensitive or discrete.

The opinions we express here in a crude manner does not reflect our personality just as the personality of the fuqaha are not as crude and insensitive as their writings. We are discussing a point - nothing more - that's how I saw the matter.

EDIT: I have deleted my posts just in case it offended anyone - so forgive me for any insensitive comments. I hope brother ENIGMA and Sulaiman84 will also remove my quotes from their posts. JazakAllah.

[Al-Faruqi]

Assalamu alaykum wa rahmatullah.

Would it be considered more sensitive to ask the first wife to search a second wife for the husband instead of himself going to search for a second one?

By doing it this way the first wife might feel more involved and thus appreciate the trust the husband puts in her for choosing/searching his second wife. Also no lamenting about the second wife will then be possible from the first wife as she herself actively participated in the search process.

Your thoughts?

[Sulaiman84]

What should be done when that attitude does not come from men but from women themselves?

[umar_italy]

What should be done when that attitude does not come from men but from women themselves?

Smile and be happy! ;-)

[Sulaiman84]

Assalamu alaykum wa rahmatullah.

Would it be considered more sensitive to ask the first wife to search a second wife for the husband instead of himself going to search for a second one?

By doing it this way the first wife might feel more involved and thus appreciate the trust the husband puts in her for choosing/searching his second wife. Also no lamenting about the second wife will then be possible from the first wife as she herself actively participated in the search process.

Your thoughts?

That would probably be too confident for most men to ask and too much for most women to deal with. A man might look at it as co-operation but a woman will see it undermining her feelings.

Gotta be on the same mental/emotional page to even start that.

[Colonel_Hardstone]

Since I am still IP banned from work so I am unable to devote time and clarify my thoughts so here is the Summary of what I am saying, people may choose to agree or disagree.

When people accuse me of trying to twist everything and blame the Ulama, there may be some truth to the matter; except that they partially understand my position.

I don’t criticise the Ulama or the Shariah, rather I criticise the way our Islamic institutions are run (i.e. Administration/Management and direction) therefore the product which is being put out is unsuitable to deal with the modern challenges.

This thread is another example of knowledgeable ones making an error of judgement when it comes to the issue of polygamy.

There is no doubt that if a man feels like it, he may choose to have a 2nd wife.

There is no doubt that if a man feels like it, he may choose to have a 3rd wife.

There is no doubt that if a man feels like it, he may choose to have a 4th wife.

And no man or woman can take that away because Allah (SWT) has permitted the matter.

The issue is how to deal with the first wife and how to handle the delicate situation. After marriage most couples intend to and have children and in the process all sorts of complications occur:

1) A woman may go through protracted and complicated pregnancy
2) A woman have a normal delivery but have a tare, the pain of which will last for months on end
3) A woman may have a Caesarean section which may literally take years to heal
4) A woman may go through depression or hormonal imbalance which may cause her to withdraw from her spouse

Usually when these situations occur a husband decides or thinks about taking a 2nd wife as he is physically, mentally and emotionally fully fit BUT his needs are not being met which causes severe and serious problems.

He goes out and gets married BUT that gives him no right to tell the first wife to deal with it and get on with it.

He had one human to deal with, now he has two humans to deal with (plus kids).

Since Allah (SWT) has given us (men) permission to have multiple wives that in no way means that we should be “Stud-Muffins” and boast “Ha Ha, look at what I got”, instead we should adopt humility and praise Allah (SWT) who gave us a way out of our situation.

Majority of the times the poor woman has gone through a lot and we have become a means of compounding her anguish and we should work towards alleviating it as best as we can. Human feelings will obviously favour the 2nd wife (because she is newer) but we should have Mercy towards the first one and try to console and comfort it.

Where did I get this from?

Directly from the Qur’aan as explained and practised by our Akabir like Shaykh Maulana Ashraf Ali Thanwi (RA) and as taught and spoken about by Shaykh Hakeem Akhtar (DB):

"And from among His signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves to take comfort with, and He placed between you love and mercy." [Sûrah al-Rûm: 30]

I bn `Abbâs (RA) provides the following commentary on this verse: "A man has love for his wife and the "mercy" is the mercy he feels for her f ever she should face any misfortune. This love and mercy is not some fleeting sentiment. Rather it is the wellspring of enduring tenderness, kindness, and a good relationship."

If you don’t comfort your wife and don’t understand her views then know that Allah (SWT) has likened spouse to a garment, so what happens when your garment is unable to protect you or perform its primary duty? In other words a depressed wife will mean depressed family, messed up kids and an unhappy household.

No time, gotta go but in short no sane woman should marry a man who has no time to comfort his first wife or treat her well!!! What makes her think that he will treat her well?

Lastly, I have given extreme but real life examples but in fact a man can choose to have more than one wife without a reason but he has to treat them kindly and that is my point.

The Stud/Macho mentality is not Sunnah.

[Sulaiman84]

Smile and be happy! ;-)

lol in Jannah

[True Life]

I totally agree with Colonel sahib. By the way what status does polygamy hold in Islam: Is it only allowed (mubah) or is it virtues in itself?

[UmHasan]

It is only permissible. Not an act of virtue in itself.

[hope1]

Assalamu aliakum,

I apoligize for making any irrational comments on this thread. If brother ENIGMA and Sulaiman84 can please remove my quotes from their posts. JazakALlah.