Asalamu 'alaikum wa rahmatullah,
I am writing this post in order to seek advice. If I mention any good, it is solely from Allah and all of the bad is from myself.
Al hamdu lillah, this year has been a tough year for me. You could say it was my year of grief...but I have some concerns that I really wish to raise. My problems started actually straight after ramadhan , which was amazing, but true. I fell ill with a bad flu and started to become really inconsistent with acts of worship (not obligatory though al hamdu lillah) because I was deprived of energy. Even my qada prayers suffered, I tried to, but I was even just barely managing to pray my fard and sunnah prayers. May Allah forgive me. Then I had a little respite, maybe just a month...Afterwards, the closest friends I had started to neglect me and it started to cause tension etc and when I found out the truth, it hurt even then. We had a minor seperation for 2 days, then it was normal again. Then again after about a month's respite, it was me who did a mistake and that cost my valuable relationship. This was the greatest hardship, al hamdu lillah 'ala kulli haal. I was left without any close companion, but I still praise Allah, al hamdu lillah. I tried to remain patient, I knew it was a test from Allah...there was nothing I would want to take from this life to the next, except these friends (closer than blood sisters)...so I saw that one of the most precious things to me was taken away, al hamdu lillah, Allah gives and takes as He pleases. The lonliness was at first really scary and in a sense painful.
What the objective of my discussion is, is what happened to me spiritually...I knew this was a test, I tried to calm myself down etc. However, I went into a lot of grief regardless. It affected my worship (again not necessarily the faraid), it was like energy sucked out of me and sometimes when I wanted to worship like I used to, I would try and try, then just burst into tears...I would raise my hands in dua and cry and cry. I knew and still know that Allah would alleviate my condition, so I put my trust in Him. Yet sometimes, during study, the memory would come to me, I would lose concentration and all I wanted was to go and pray. So the time for fard salah would come, I probably wasted so many tissues...but I needed to have a few tissues or a whole tissue box next to my musallah when it was time to pray. The time of salah was the time with my only friend Allah...I could only cry in front of Him. When I was with people, I tried to make it hidden that there was something wrong with me. My family have no idea that I have had a hard year.
I found that I just couldn't pray my qada salahs though, I was saddened more because of this. I wanted to, I did, but again I would burst into tears and end up making du'aa. I have never really wanted, al hamdu lillah, for a musibah to go away...I wouldn't mind being in hardship if it were not for the decrease in worship etc. So I would supplicate to Allah that "I don't mind being hardship, just bring me back to strong imaan" (paraphrased), I would also continously supplicate to Allah to give me energy to pray my qada prayers...I still do. Later on, al hamdu lillah, Allah listened to me and I regained energy regardless to pray my qada. Due to my lacking on the qada prayers, I vowed to Allah that I would never stop praying qada salah until death...unless I lacked energy. So I daily pray one day worth qada and I pray that I never will stop. Al hamdu lillah, I took the advice of the prophet sallAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam, to say those du'aas he mentioned to Umm Salamah upon her loss. Life became much better, my tears started to dry and slowly slowly the Fajr problem that I gained (waking up late, or at times missing it) has started to fade. Those sisters, I still love for the sake of Allah and yes it hurts at times...but it doesn't interfere with my life anymore as much. I have grown into lonliness and I spend some of my time talking to different sisters, advising them if needed or just getting to know them briefly and trying to form sisterhood with them...although it will never be the same again.
Two issues that come from this: 1) Was I patient during my hardships? All of that grief etc, falling back on worship, where did that come from? 2) Has anybody experienced this kind of deep love for much greater reasons and how did it feel etc...
Sorry for any mistakes,
jazakum Allahu khair.