Girlfriend issue

[Helper_man]

Salam,

I know you are probably thinking thats the last thing that should be on ones mind. But hear me out.

Il keep it short as possible. Born muslim, Im in my early 20s, was an american wannabe in my teenage, had bad company of friends, have a girlfriend and not at peace because of it.

I woke up couple of months from a dead deep sleep of this world. I dont know what I did that Allah swt showed me the path, although I dont deserve where I have reached now. At that time I used to think listening to music is ok, having a girlfriend is also -ok-

When I realised, I increased my worship, recognized my bad friends and with in some time I had got rid of them and their bad influence. I studied islam thoroughly and I still do, everything started to have a meaning, everything started to fall on its place. Life is new and Im enjoying islam so much that my heart feels the pulse that goes through me when I pray. Alhumdulilah. Alhumduliah. Alhumdulilah.

However, I havent dealt with something that just kills me right now, makes me feel like a hypocrite. I have a girlfriend, I call her a girlpal more than girlfriend. Its a phone relationship, couple of times met her for lunch or dinner, nothng more. (this is in the past) I know I need to break it off and I know i will be able to focus better. But shes so attach to me that I just cant initiate the break up. Marriage here is not possible and yes I know I had a dead heart when i started it. When I started it this is the way I thought - Its not based on wrong or we are not going to even touch each other then whats wrong in talking on the phone and going out sometimes. I was lonely too. So it felt right. I have always supported her and had sincere and clean intensions.

How do I deal with this situation. She doesnt know what Im going through, shes the same as I was. We both thought we are nice people, we hurt no body, do what is required out of us but now I realize how wrong that is. The purpose of life is so much different then this world. What do i do?

She notices changes in me and shes too upset about it. She hasnt done anything wrong. I feel if I tell her what Im going through she might be convinced but i dont know what the reaction will be.

Its Ramadhan and Im not at peace because of it. Im really not a bad guy.

[PouringRain]

You said that you were concerned about breaking it off, because she is attached to you.... but you also said that she has noticed changes in you and is not happy with those. 1) You should not place her feelings before your own relationship with God. God should be first in all things and clearly he is not first in your relationship with her. Stop thinking about her feelings. You said you can not marry her, and from your statement about her being upset that you are changing, I would agree that marriage with her would probably not be good, so continuing this relationship is only hurting both you and she. 2) The fact that she does not like these positive changes in you is not a good sign. It sounds as though you are becoming healthy and whole, becoming more spiritual, and if she were a good woman then she would support you in that and also strive for it in her own life. Don't let her hold you back or bring you down.

It seems like you know what you need to do (break things off with her) but you seem unsure of how to do it, and maybe even you need moral support in doing this. Go for it! On a practical level, be honest with her. Tell her that you are committing your life back to God, and that you were unhappy in the place where you were before. Tell her, that you want to focus on God and on becoming right with him, and a part of that is eliminating distractions that will take you away from God. Tell her that you can not see her anymore or speak to her. She may be angry at first, she may try and talk you out of it. Just be firm and stand strong. If you have to, hang up the phone on her and refuse to answer her calls. You have no duty nor obligation to this woman.

I wish you all the best! Let us know what happens.

[umar_italy]

Brother, either marry her, or break it off.

I know it will sound rude but believe me, after some days/week she will feel fine insha'Allah, and you will feel awesome for having done the right thing for your Din.

Who leaves something for Allah, Allah gives him something far better.

[The_Humble_One]

Take the courage to break it off. If you can't then just start avoiding her. She will lose interest automatically. Do it and you will see Allah will grant you a tremendous reward for giving up something that is beloved to your heart.

[Intrepid]

Man's achilles heel (woman). Once your hooked, there's no helping ya! So if you can't beat em marry em.

[AlHannah20]

On a practical level, be honest with her. Tell her that you are committing your life back to God, and that you were unhappy in the place where you were before. Tell her, that you want to focus on God and on becoming right with him, and a part of that is eliminating distractions that will take you away from God. Tell her that you can not see her anymore or speak to her. She may be angry at first, she may try and talk you out of it. Just be firm and stand strong. If you have to, hang up the phone on her and refuse to answer her calls. You have no duty nor obligation to this woman.

I wish you all the best! Let us know what happens.

As-salaam brother,

I had a similar situaiton. I was talking on the phone with someone and we would meet for lunch but he started having romantic feelings towards me, although I knew he had no intention of marrying me as far as I could tell, but I still spoke with him before I fully came into Islam. While I was studying and learning about Islam, I talked to him alot about it to see how he feels about it. He is very Catholic and said Islam was ok but his actions said other wise. As I developed my Iman, I got the courage to break it off with him and break all contact with him because I no longer valued the things of this dunya more than the Hereafter. He was toxic to me as a muslim so I no longer desired a relationship with a man who was non-muslim and would not care to maintain my honor in courtship.


He said some insulting things when I broke it off but they did not hurt me for more than a moment because I knew Allah was waiting when I hung up that phone, He would guide me forever after. I worried about his feelings but I just prayed that he would understand if it was Allah's will. Now I have no concern for him, that weight is off my shoulders and it feels soo much better. Brother, this girl does not like the positive changes she sees in you, thats a huge red flag that as your Iman increases, your relationship with her will deteriorate as she sees more of these changes, so you should save your self the headache now and break it off.
Ramadan is the perfect time to ask Allah for forgiveness and to get rid of the things in your life that are holding you back from complete submittion to Him. I will make Du'a for you inshaAllah. Hopefully Allah makes the decision easy for you.
Jazakallah

Ramadan Mubarak

[Helper_man]

Salam,

Thankyou for replying PouringRain, umar_italy, the_humble_one, intrepid, alHannah20. Thanks for taking out the time to reply, I appreciate.

No, she is not before anything else in my life except Allah swt and I am so firm about it that I know deep down, there will be no going back. I have been dreading this relationship and cant wait to get over it. Even visualizing life without this guilt for 5 mins just gives me peace at heart.

There is one thing that either I cant interpret or understand but clearly this will not hold me back now but this is the reason what was holding me from breaking it off. I want your views on this – When I talk about islamic things, she listens carefully and says "im so pure and its hard to find guys like you, everything for me is God and I find God in everything, I don’t want to let you go", now this gives me hope that she'l change too but then there are times when I talk about this hadeeth that I read and it amazed me and that author of this book is just excellent and she goes: "The hadeeth is fine but other books, people write a lot of things .. they are not necessarily right" and then she would justify with what goes on Saudia that there are many fatwas about no female driving and etc but that’s not the case in islam.

Then there also times she says positive things about what I am doing and other times she would just wait till I finish and then she would just say ok. Theres no excitement in her as I have.
Now either shes doing this to keep me going and shes not opposing me so I don’t notice all this. She cries all day if I don’t call or stays upset for weeks.

I just wanted your views on this, why is this girl doing all this and am I wrong anyhow?

Anyways, im done with this relationship and im going to give it up no matter what. Its not worth it at all and shes not going to change so marrying her just puts me off. It wont help me achieve the goal of life. I am mentally prepared about the break up, I think im going to do it today itself. Because even thinking a second more about it makes me doubt my imaan.
Thankyou again for your replies, honestly I was not expecting support.

Wa salam

[Colonel_Hardstone]

Salam,

I know you are probably thinking thats the last thing that should be on ones mind. But hear me out.

Il keep it short as possible. Born muslim, Im in my early 20s, was an american wannabe in my teenage, had bad company of friends, have a girlfriend and not at peace because of it.

I woke up couple of months from a dead deep sleep of this world. I dont know what I did that Allah swt showed me the path, although I dont deserve where I have reached now. At that time I used to think listening to music is ok, having a girlfriend is also -ok-

When I realised, I increased my worship, recognized my bad friends and with in some time I had got rid of them and their bad influence. I studied islam thoroughly and I still do, everything started to have a meaning, everything started to fall on its place. Life is new and Im enjoying islam so much that my heart feels the pulse that goes through me when I pray. Alhumdulilah. Alhumduliah. Alhumdulilah.

However, I havent dealt with something that just kills me right now, makes me feel like a hypocrite. I have a girlfriend, I call her a girlpal more than girlfriend. Its a phone relationship, couple of times met her for lunch or dinner, nothng more. (this is in the past) I know I need to break it off and I know i will be able to focus better. But shes so attach to me that I just cant initiate the break up. Marriage here is not possible and yes I know I had a dead heart when i started it. When I started it this is the way I thought - Its not based on wrong or we are not going to even touch each other then whats wrong in talking on the phone and going out sometimes. I was lonely too. So it felt right. I have always supported her and had sincere and clean intensions.

How do I deal with this situation. She doesnt know what Im going through, shes the same as I was. We both thought we are nice people, we hurt no body, do what is required out of us but now I realize how wrong that is. The purpose of life is so much different then this world. What do i do?

She notices changes in me and shes too upset about it. She hasnt done anything wrong. I feel if I tell her what Im going through she might be convinced but i dont know what the reaction will be.

Its Ramadhan and Im not at peace because of it. Im really not a bad guy.

Focusing on changing the direction of your life and making intentions to practice upon the Sunnah are noble matters and may Allah (SWT) give you the ability and consistency to remain steadfast on the matter and may Allah (SWT) give you your death on the sweetness of faith and upon the commandments of Allah (SWT) and upon the noble Sunnah (Ameen).

My brother, know very well that Shaytaan is our enemy and ever since you have abandoned your old ways he is chasing and stalking you and he will try his utmost:

1) To either bring you back to your old ways
2) To make life difficult for you
3) And if he can’t do that, to cause you mental anguish and to make your heart insecure so you can’t really concentrate on your motives and your intentions of getting closer to Allah (SWT)

Furthermore you will also be tested by Allah (SWT) to ensure that you are sincere and firm on your commitment.

So you will encounter tests in your life one after another and if you are sincere and truthful then be prepared to face them.

If you love someone he/she will ask you to prove it and the moment you put someone else on a higher pedestal or give more priority then he/she will turn away from you and know that you are a “liar” i.e. you say things but you do things differently.

Loving Allah (SWT) also requires commitment and dedication, if you love Allah (SWT) then you will be tested and who you give priority to will be judged and ascertained.

Many of us changed the direction of our lives at a later part of our life and choosing the right women is the critical component of life. A woman can make or break your life and if she was involved in your life prior to coming to the “Path of Sunnah” then it is possible that you two are incompatible.
She didn’t get attracted to or fell in love with you “NOW”, she actually got attracted to the other guy.

Since she is not pregnant and you have not made any commitments, what are you regretting about? Come clean and tell her that you have decided to change the direction of your life and she is incompatible with the path.

Most women will tell you, “I will change and I will do whatever you say etc…” and it’s easier said then done…

Some women will follow through and genuinely change, MAJORITY will not that’s an emphatic fact of girlfriends and old flings, take it from people who have been in this scenario and trust me there have been hundreds and thousands before you.

When you are honest and truthful to her, she may even go and take the Shahada and become Muslim (if she isn’t at the moment) and that will cause you even more stress.

In that case you tell her that I am happy that you have become Muslim and now you should follow Islam for the sake of Allah (SWT) and not me i.e. focus on the bigger picture.

Then she will tell you to teach her Islam because she wants to be close to you, refer her to the Masjid or WHOEVER gave her Shahadah.

All of these are traps of Shaytaan which I am informing you of, many have been through these things and some have come out and many have fallen.

I am informing you to let you know, what’s coming.

BREAK IT CLEANLY AND THEN CEASE TO KEEP CONTACT, DELETE HER PHONE NUMBER AND DON’T REPLY TO TEXTS, EMAILS, CHAT REQUESTS ETC.

OTHERWISE you will REGRET this…

Right now, you can break it because you are on a high of Eemaan.

And look to get married, you CANNOT get over a woman without being with another woman, that’s also a FACT!

If you don’t handle this straight away and in a clean manner , it will destroy you from the inside like a cancer which will grow and grow and grow.

Its time for you to be a “MAN” and don’t try to sweep this under the carpet because women issues NEVER go away by themselves.

Only two options:

a) Ditch her and I mean COMPLETELY
b) Marry her

[saad lakhani]

Assalamo alaikum
Brother your case is just similar like mine. i used have the same problem before the ramadan(09). Her reactions and replies were all same as your's.
I always question my self that if i die like this having such a relation how will i stand before ALLAH(swt)?
Alhamdolillah i decided to end this relation and when i said the words she started crying, but it didnt melt my heart, then she insulted me but i smiled and didnt care abt what she said because i did this only for ALLAH.
This is the best time Ramadan break it off and lead a pious life. Love is only for ALLAH which is Halal.
ALLAh (swt) helped me with the patience and Iman and now its been a year and i have peace in my heart.
Hazrat Maulana Abdus Sattar sahab(db) helped me alot. He said when u leave someone only for ALLAH(swt), then ALLAH (swt) will create respect in the heart of that person.
Please try to be in a good religious environment, try sharing this with any ulema whom u trust

[_SOD_]

yea dude i also think u shud break it of, marriage is nt really an option coz it seems like u guys are nt really on the same level & she seems a bit needy

& if u worried abouy her feelings, jus think wer wud u guys b in 5 yrs if u dont break it of?

the sooner u do it the better as now u jus givn her false hopes and leadin her on