I know you are probably thinking thats the last thing that should be on ones mind. But hear me out.
Il keep it short as possible. Born muslim, Im in my early 20s, was an american wannabe in my teenage, had bad company of friends, have a girlfriend and not at peace because of it.
I woke up couple of months from a dead deep sleep of this world. I dont know what I did that Allah swt showed me the path, although I dont deserve where I have reached now. At that time I used to think listening to music is ok, having a girlfriend is also -ok-
When I realised, I increased my worship, recognized my bad friends and with in some time I had got rid of them and their bad influence. I studied islam thoroughly and I still do, everything started to have a meaning, everything started to fall on its place. Life is new and Im enjoying islam so much that my heart feels the pulse that goes through me when I pray. Alhumdulilah. Alhumduliah. Alhumdulilah.
However, I havent dealt with something that just kills me right now, makes me feel like a hypocrite. I have a girlfriend, I call her a girlpal more than girlfriend. Its a phone relationship, couple of times met her for lunch or dinner, nothng more. (this is in the past) I know I need to break it off and I know i will be able to focus better. But shes so attach to me that I just cant initiate the break up. Marriage here is not possible and yes I know I had a dead heart when i started it. When I started it this is the way I thought - Its not based on wrong or we are not going to even touch each other then whats wrong in talking on the phone and going out sometimes. I was lonely too. So it felt right. I have always supported her and had sincere and clean intensions.
How do I deal with this situation. She doesnt know what Im going through, shes the same as I was. We both thought we are nice people, we hurt no body, do what is required out of us but now I realize how wrong that is. The purpose of life is so much different then this world. What do i do?
She notices changes in me and shes too upset about it. She hasnt done anything wrong. I feel if I tell her what Im going through she might be convinced but i dont know what the reaction will be.
Its Ramadhan and Im not at peace because of it. Im really not a bad guy.