divorce discussion over the phone...i need advice

[shazreen]

For the last 2 months, the discussion of my husband marrying another woman is like a day to day struggle. I have asked him so many times that I don't want another woman entering our relationship but he was determined to have her in our lives. In many ways, the words have killed me slowly... not to mention discussing the issue over the phone, over chat... and never personally. I have begged him not to do it, but his words only said he would not leave me.

Then last week when he was about to file for the second marriage in court, he called me up saying he needs me to send a statement stating that he pays for our living cost in my country (currently, my son and i live back home while my husband lives in his own country - our son's papers are being processed to get a visa in his country). When i asked what its purpose was, he said it was because he was marrying another woman.

Again despite the continuous discussion over it,the words are like bombshell to my ears, i felt numb, lost... couldn't figure out what to say. I knew it was the end of everything for us. Afterall, my husband also knew I could never stay in a relationship where I need to share my husband... Discussions grew, blah blah... i was so tired to continue fighting for something that is already lost, and so i simply dropped the call. I didn't want to hear his voice. The phone was cooperating also, it started resetting, showing blank white screen.

I continued my final recitation to my students who felt a little concerned also, because i started faltering on my lecture. With the small strength I have left in me that afternoon, I finished the last batch of students. When I arrived home, I knew I have to face reality. As I turned on my other phone, I saw messages of threats to divorce me if I do not send the statement that day or the next.

My mind whirled but prayers are really the best ally. When my husband called up, I was calm and clear. I told him, I am not ready to give any statement that declares anything at all unless he visits me and my son to discuss the terms with me and Imam. To clarify the said statement, what he actually needs from me is my consent to his second marriage, however, my husband tries to sugarcoat the words by telling me that all I need to place in the statement is that he is my husband, I am his wife, and we have one child, and that he pays our living cost. To question the purpose of the statement, it sounds manipulative and suspicious for me since it is regarding my husband's second marriage. I assumed as much that the court has questioned his ability to provide for two families if in case, henceforth the request of the said statement.

Imam was clear when I sought his advice that I do not need to give any statement that is against my will. Imam also told me that my husband do not need any statement from me to support his desire to marry another wife, and that it is my husband's responsibility to present to the court his assets/liabilities to prove that he can marry more than one.

Now here I am on crossroads. If I don't give the statement, my husband goes thru with the divorce. If I give the statement, it looks like I am consenting him to marry another woman, and placing me and my son in a hanging situation as well as compromising my worth as a woman.

Allah be with me, but I have made my own decisions already, although I would appreciate hearing every opinion regarding this matter. Thank you..

[Aram]

sorry to hear about your situations

a few points which you may want to consider:

1. Ask yourself if your husband is a just man and will be able to treat you and another lady equally in terms of expenses etc

2. What is worse for you, sharing your husband or divorce? imagine your situation if each of the scenarios were to occur, would you be happier alone than to share him? also keep your son in your mind as there are not many men who accept other children as their own if you are to remarry after divorce.

[shazreen]

Sallamualikum sister.

Thank you. I have asked the same thing. the truth is i still have a small girl's dream. i want to have marriage like what my parents had, better than what they have also. Growing up in a family where i often see my father who had seen everyday and been our strength in our growing up years, i want my son to have the same thing. I want a husband who i can see every night, who will share his thoughts with me, whom i can share mine as well without reservations.

Unfortunately, the real situation is not reflected right now. My husband and i do not live with each other. my son and i live back in my country while my husband lives in his own home country. Last year, we have struggled and fought all odds to be together, but when we were there last year in his home country, we only see him 2x a week also.

Now, he plans to bring us back there. But, it just doesn't seem right anymore knowing there is another woman in the picture. Everything seems wrong even the way we talk about things.

Him being fair? How do we define being fair in the first place? Why do i feel betrayed if he is fair to me? I have given up my job, my profession for him, only to find out i have to share him with another woman? You see, my husband refused me to take a full-time job and despite the continued offer from the Dean of school for full load, i have followed him, and accepted 2 days a week of my time only to teach. He knew how i love teaching.

Polygamy is not encourages in Islam, that is what I know, and I strongly believe that a man should not take marriage lightly for the mere idea of just wanting a woman or women and therefore adhere to the old age belief that polygamy is permitted after all, and so marry more than one or two. Financially, what i understand from my husband's words is i should accept the situation without questioning what he can afford. I assumed that the court has requested my permission for him to remarry because his assets and liabilities in evaluation could not afford him another wife, given that he is also supporting two kids from a previous marriage already.

Once again, I thank you for letting me think again on the questions. I have laid all options and checked the pros and cons, but they say it is better to hear other people's views rather than ponder it by myself, else i miss some few good points here and there. Thank you so much. May Allah bring us the light to our dilemmas in life.

[UmHasan]

Sister shazreen, may Allah make it easy for you. Despite the permissibility Allah gives, many people do not understand how difficult this is for a woman to accept whne she is thrown into such a situation. May I ask why you are living in a seperate country from your husband? It may be that your absence at his side has provoked an interest in the second marriage.

[shazreen]

"It may be that your absence at his side has provoked an interest in the second marriage." - it did play a big part but i never did want to come back here, but fate lead us to it because we could not stay in his country without our son's papers legalized. some documents need to be processed back here. several options were there to consider but i chose to get my son's troubles taken care of instead.
I have thought that my husband and i have the same goals, now i do not know.
judging by the way he treats the situation,now i feel like i am the one who is intruding in his life.
last year was a roller coaster. i have made all effort not to lose communication between us. all failed when he did not come and visit us as he had promised last december which placed us in the worst situation now. twice he promised to come, first plan was july last year but his work cannot allow him.
2 weeks ago, when i have confirmed he is filing to marry another woman, i have asked him to let me come and see him so i can dicuss things with him. he refused. i have offered to pay my expenses from my transportation fare til i get there, but he wants things in his own terms.
what i dont like the most is to start discussing legalities over the phone. i have to see him in person, but im not sure he wants to see me.
it has gone worse also. my brothers are now now interfering being that they are christians. my brothers love me and they didnt like the way i am being treated by my husband.
i dont want to live in fear. fear for my husband. for my son. for my brothers. for me. the future seems so unclear.

[shazreen]

i have asked him today to let me see him for the last time so i can discuss the terms of the statement i will give him. over the phone, i called to check what his answer was to my suggestion and he told me since he doesn't want to see me, then he will leave me. the call was dropped or disconnected.

i guess it is over...

Allah be with me and my son. For some parts, I don't feel like crying anymore... I have resigned to the will of Allah long time back. I have prayed and prayed to let me find my own footings in this situation, and I just know things will be fine. I can never question what Allah has decreed.

Thank you sisters...

[ahmad12]

May Allah give you ease in your heart. Ameen

Since the divorce is now inevitable, you should concentrate on looking after yourself and your son, whilst fulfilling all religious obligations,

Try and keep pious company who will make you remember Allah and give comfort to your heart and tranquility of mind

[shazreen]

May Allah give you ease in your heart. Ameen

Since the divorce is now inevitable, you should concentrate on looking after yourself and your son, whilst fulfilling all religious obligations,

Try and keep pious company who will make you remember Allah and give comfort to your heart and tranquility of mind

Assalamualaikum...

Thank you. Allah is with me and my son that is why I am ready for the divorce. However I want some answers with several questions that lurk in mind.

I do not know the rules in divorce proceedings especially in our case. Our marriage has been registered in his country already but we were married here in my country. How about financial support? What should I know about my rights and my son's rights. My soon to be ex-husband told me I have to wait for 3 months to finally get divorced. Is it true? Meanwhile, on those 3 months, is he supposed to financially support me still or should I not expect? Who establish the amount of child support? Should I seek for alimony payments?
I'm not sure if I would receive honest answers from my husband regarding these issues. He only told me a few like the court will decide for child support saying it is minimum only.


Confused and seeking answers,
Shazreen

[Al-Faruqi]

sister.

I'm sorry for your situation and pray that Allāh makes it easy for you and your son.

Try to keep in my mind that there is good in the decree of Allah for His servants, even if the servant currently can't see the good and the wisdom in it. Maybe pondering about this will help you cope at least at little.

I would advise you to contact Mufti Zubair Dudha concerning your questions of jurisprudence (i.e. divorce, your rights, how to proceed, etc.) and you can also ask for general advice etc.. The Shaykh's website is http://www.islamictarbiyah.com/

Stay strong sis.

[shazreen]

sister.

I'm sorry for your situation and pray that Allāh makes it easy for you and your son.

Try to keep in my mind that there is good in the decree of Allah for His servants, even if the servant currently can't see the good and the wisdom in it. Maybe pondering about this will help you cope at least at little.

I would advise you to contact Mufti Zubair Dudha concerning your questions of jurisprudence (i.e. divorce, your rights, how to proceed, etc.) and you can also ask for general advice etc.. The Shaykh's website is http://www.islamictarbiyah.com/

Stay strong sis.

im sorry but i tried the contact form in the website and it's not working.