asking sisters only-regarding daughters

[Ambish]

,

I am a little confused right now about how and when I should go about discussing certain things with my daughter. She is 9 mashallah, she is very close to me and speaks to me about anything bothering her, there isn't anything really at this age it's usually things like ...so and so won't sit with me at lunch
Sisters, can you please advice me how do I talk to her about body changes? I am not embarassed to tell her these things but just want to say the right things , also I am wondering when should I be telling her? She is 9 as I mentioned , not hit puberty yet but nowadays things seem to be happening so much quicker so I don't want to be too late with it either.
Any link to somewhere with this information would be wonderful, also I want to make sure it's all appropriately islamwise too.
jazakAllah.

[UmHasan]

You can start off by introducing her to a few gentle topics, i.e. talking about sanitary towels and why they are used without emphasising on anything sexual. I have noticed that some girls now begin menstruating very early and at the age of nine, she needs to be slowly introduced to the concept of menstruation so that if her time comes early, she is prepared. Otherwise, the first time can be shocking and almost traumatic for a young girl if she has no idea what it is. Go shopping with her and ask her to pick them up off the shelf and put them in the trolley. Use that opportunity to explain why they are used in language that is at her level: ‘As she gets older, every girl will have some bleeding that from her private parts every month. Its normal and nothing to be worried about ... just like going to the toilet. She uses these so that the blood doesn’t get on her clothes.’ This will provide the cue to ask further inquisitive questions and you can let her take the lead and answer according to the depth of her question.

Boys, sexuality, bodily changes ... hold off for another year or two and then approach them in the same way as above, i.e. making small comments that will sow the seeds for further discussion and lthat will let her know that she can approach you to discuss these matters, should she need to discuss them earlier. When you do start talking, ask her about what she knows about these matters and offer a little bit of extra knowledge on the topic which is laced with Islamic advice.

Her other daily nattering, let her carry on and use it to give her small lessons in life. I think its one of the joys of motherhood that when children come home from school, they are all hyped up about everyday things they want to talk about with you and then start telling you who said what, and who did what, and what they had to do and what they were prevented from doing. At times, you can listen, agree with her on the injustice of it all and balk at the whole episode and that will please her and quieten her down because she has found that you understand her. At times, you can steer her towards a different mentality: if she thinks the teacher was unfair because she made everyone do something, ask her why she think the teacher decided that and let her think. Or ask her what she would do if she was the teacher. If she makes a silly decision ask her to think about the consequences of that, or alternatives etc. All of this you do, while calming continuing to stir the pot, or make the chappatis, or whilst ironing etc. Keep emotions in check and she will learn to too.

And of course, there are times when you can just switch off and pretend to listen , and say ‘really, hmmm, yes, no, hmmmm,...’ Every parent deserves that!

[Ambish]

UmHasan, jazakAllah for the great advice it really has helped and inshallah I will follow up on this. Yes I think menstruation needs to be addressed first as I wouldn't want anything to happen and have her frightened. She does know that mummy wants to have a "talk" with her and has asked me a few times and I have asked her to wait ( I was trying to find the right way/words) before I got stuck in so to speak.

Alhamdulillah she is aware of things that are only appropriate to say in front of me rather than DH and I love that about her that she feels confident to say them with me. When I was growing up my mum didn't really have this discussion with me we were left to " find out" elsewhere , those times were different perhaps, mums were shy and embarrassed to discuss openly with daughters. I found about about these things through friends and school but I want to be the one to tell my daughter inshallah.
JazakAllah once again.

Any other sisters wanting to share their experiences I would love to read how they tackled this.

[Um Yusuf]

Assalam o' Aliakum ... Along with what umhasan has said ... an Islamic point to know n to make ur daughter aware of is that when mensturation starts is when her nama-e-amal opens ... till now she has been a kid a hair mukalaf but here onwards all her deeds will b written by the two angels on our shoulders ... also explain to her the proper ghusal way n ask her to take bath this way to developed a habit ... read the mensturation masail from behesti zewar ... explain the importance hay a/purdah/hijaab .... n last but least give her a gift so that the enormality of starting mensturation is reduced.