I need advice & help ASAP. PLEASE:'(

[Ahlam&Love]

Asalaamu Alaykum,

My Mom&Dad separated three days ago, so they are not divorced. They always fought and my Dad couldn't take it anymore. My dad lives somewhere else and I live with my mom and three older brothers. My Mom told me if my Dad leaves this house, I'll never see my Dad again. My Dad is coming this Friday to pick me up for Jumah, Insh'Allah. And we (me&bros) have to talk to my Dad about the situation. It's not like I care much that they're separated. I want my Dad to be happy. My mom thinks my dad left us and went to his step-son because he loves his step-son more than all of us. My dad said he'd always be here for us, just call and I'll be there. And now my Mom said that there's a possibility that I might never see my dad again?! I love my Dad so much that it hurts. My mom thinks I hate her, and that I'm taking my dad side. And my non-Muslim brothers is saying that I do hate her just because he hates my Dad. And if I don't live with my Mom she'll hate me, and then I'll go to hell because my Mom won't be happy with me when I die. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so extremely depressed that I have the worst headache ever..:/ Who does the child custody go to after a divorce? I'm dying, inside. Help me please.*

P.S. I've read somewhere that if the girl reaches puberty she can live with her dad, I've already reached puberty.

[amr123]

Raise your hands and make abundant Dua.
May Allah make it easy for you. ameen.

P.s. Others Also please make dua.

[Usama2]

My daughter, I'm sorry to hear of your difficult family affairs.
Certainly you are suffering and grieving. Divorce is often described as similar to a death in the family. So seek Allah's Mercy and guidance and call and complain to Him for He surely hears and answers you.



As for your questions, I have some questions to perhaps enable answers for you.

You mentioned that you have nonMuslim brothers.
Is your mother a nonMuslim too?

In terms of the fiqh of divorce, children all go to the Muslim parent if the other parent is nonMuslim.



And while small children may go to a mother, if she remarries, daughters go to the father. This is far better for the security, modesty, and environment of daughters as the new husband of a mother will not treat a her children like their own father will.


You said you are past puberty.

Children of certain maturity (post-puberty) are granted permission to determine with which parent they prefer to reside.
So if you are a child of certain maturity and prefer to live with your father, then that is consistent with Islam insha Allah.

Do you live in a Muslim country?

Will the divorce of your parents be determined according to Islam?

If so, then insha Allah the Islamic courts should enable you to decide your prefered residence.

These are general knowledge about the fiqh of divorce available here

But if you need a specific ruling regarding your personal situation, I suggest contacting an faqih/alim.

And Allah knows best.

Please respond.

[Anybody]

Bismillah Ir-Rehman Ir-Raheem

Assalam-Alaikum my dear Sister:

My dear Sister, since you have come to us for advice, I will advise you like the young lady you are. This is important, Sister, because you cannot expect your parents or others within or outside of your family circle to treat you like an adult unless you understand and recognize that you yourself are an adult and act with the maturity that Masha-Allah you have and of which you will Insha-Allah have more as you grow older. I say this especially because generally-speaking a person becomes an adult in shariah after puberty, and you are Masha-Allah already wiser than others your age.

First and foremost, Sister, I want you to know that you are normal. There is nothing wrong with you or your strong responses to the particular crisis in your family (though I am concerned that you might also be suffering from clinical depression, which would mean professional consultation and treatment).

Sister, please realize you have the right to attend to your own needs and hopes during this period. Even if your parents, due to being caught up in their own problems, are not able to currently provide you the emotional support you need, do not think that they do not want to provide you the emotional stability and security you deserve. However, Sister, parents are humans too and they too make mistakes. Therefore, Sister, do not idealize any member of your family, even your father.

Sister, what I will share with you is Insha-Allah general and basic guidelines for maintaining your emotional and physical well-being during this period:

1. You are not alone. Sister, you have brothers and sisters all over the world, almost 2 billion strong. Insha-Allah, you can come to the Forum and find support, since you cannot go out due to your mom restricting your outing. So, when you are depressed, simply imagine a stadium full of your brothers and sisters from all over the world cheering for you. Sister, due to your isolation, you are probably more stressed than your peers; however, turn that negative into a benefit by reading autobiographies of people who also faced tough times in their life and survived to tell their stories or biographies of people who will inspire you. Also, Sister, talk to your Muslim friends on the phone or on IM or invite them over to your place; maybe sharing with them will enable you to regain perspective on your problems as friends can often act as a good sounding board for private fears and disappointments.

2. Care for yourself emotionally and physically. Presently, you are extremely stressed and not thinking clearly because you are letting stress gain the upper hand. However, dear Sister, you should respect your emotional and physical needs as a human being by making time to care for yourself. Find a way to let some of your tensions escape, whether achieved through exercise, rest, or recreation. Emotional and physical health is extremely important, because you will need your energy through this crisis and generally life in order to be (1) functioning and (2) productive.

3. Don’t let your emotion become tyrants. Sister, in a crisis such as the one you are facing, you may experience strong emotions in the range of depression, grief, blame, guilty, hostility, anger, and feelings of revenge. However, Sister, a wise and strong person does not let strong emotions dictate to them but rather dictates to their emotions. Sister, work out your feelings (which are a natural product of your stresses and present home environment) in safe and structured ways. Keep a stock of your emotions and see what is making you feel this way and then seek to eliminate its source. For example, if being around your brother makes you feel badly due to his words, seek to avoid hanging out with him without necessity and do not take the bait when you cannot avoid hearing his harsh words. Also, keep your negative emotions from becoming habits. Make the commitment to find 1) positives in your life and 2) create future goals and focus on them.

4. You are normal. (I cannot emphasize enough the normalcy of your present emotions, because you are facing a difficult situation.) Sister, while your situation might be ideal, realize that you are not the first person who is undergoing a bad situation with your parents or family. Do not become preoccupied with anxieties, as you can make dua Insha-Allah for relief. Reactions like the headache or other low feelings are natural during a family crisis and depression takes time to heal.

5. Become informed on what is going to happen. Sister, at this point, you may only be speculating on the nature of your parents’ separation. Understand that they may or may not decide to divorce, as sometimes couples sometimes take a trial separation to think about or work through the problems they have. As you are a child in your parents’ eyes, you will probably find an absence of accurate, open communication from your parents on this matter. Therefore, it is important that you ask your parents to talk to you (and your siblings) as a family in an open and direct manner about the matter. Have their answers focus on what you would need to know immediately for your present, not on information that is for the distant future. Also, be careful to not ask them to reveal anything that which constitutes the private domain of each parent, as Insha-Allah that will preserve any confidences that is properly kept within a marriage (regardless of whether the marriage eventually falls apart or not).

6. Keep clear of unhealthy alliances. Sister, it sounds like you are caught in the middle of your parents and also other family members. However, do not slip into the temptation of siding with one parent over the other on any issue. Sometimes, parents, when things are too overwhelming for them, openly criticize or blame the other blatantly or subtly. You are their child, and it should not be your concern. So, firmly refuse to be put in the middle of any issue.

Sister, I know this is a great concern for you because of your attachment to your father. However, Sister, whatever your private feelings on any issue of conflict within your parents’ marriage, you need to keep your private feelings private. In front of your mother, do not do or say anything which will constitute as siding with your father. And in front of your father, do not do or say anything which will constitute as siding with your mother. (Simply keep mum whenever one of your parents vents about the other in front of you.) And whether you are wrong or not or they are right or not, apologize to them if you perceive there are hurt feelings. Hug your parents and simply tell them that you will not choose anyone over the other because you love them both. Tell them that choosing any over the other would be like choosing the right leg over the left leg or the left leg over the right leg when you need both of them to be there for you and love you just as you will be there for them.

7. Help your parents understand you and your decisions. During cases of potential divorce or divorce, your parents will probably have difficulty seeing things clearly or being helpful to you. Your sincere efforts to be open, honest, and loving towards both of them at this time will establish a channel of communication Insha-Allah and enable them understand what your experiences are and how you are trying to take care of yourself. Insha-Allah, this will prevent hurt feelings or misinterpretations of your actions.

However, if your parents do divorce, do not be shy about choosing to live with your father (if that is your desire). That will, however, mean that you should be extra careful in how you will explain this decision to your mother because mothers are given a high status under Islam. Therefore, you will need to make sure that at least from your end you do not leave any corner to make sure that your mother does not feel unloved by this decision. However, Sister, presently, I would not focus on such an issue because the issue may never arise if your parents do decide to live together again.

Also, convince your parents to let you see a professional counselor, as that might help (especially if you do suffer from clinical depression).

8. Find what works for you. During times like this, major changes in your life will make you feel insecure in the future. So, you need to pay particular attention and see what you find helpful in coping with the pressures. Probably, however, a routine will be helpful to you because that will mean having something familiar to which you can cling when you may become overwhelmed with the changes happening around you. Definitely keep consistency in zikr, Quran recitation, salat because that will mean Insha-Allah divine aid and also peace in your heart.

Closing Thoughts:
Sister, if you can convince your parents to find an Imam to see if they can resolve their differences in counseling or through a professional marital counselor, that would be a good start because that may lead to a better chapter in your and your family’s life (especially if things work out) or at least better communication between the two of them (if things do not work out). If you cannot convince them on the issue (and you might not, as they will still see you as a child), then at least try to convince them to let you participate in any youth activities sponsored in the mosque closest to you so that you can Insha-Allah find a haven outside of the family upheaval and upsets.

Sister, try to behave in a mature manner with your parents and undertake a responsible attitude in fulfilling chores at home or whatnot, because their recognition of such (i.e. your maturity and responsible attitude) may mean the difference between your parents making the decisions about your life for you or you being able to convince them to let you have your say in what decisions they take about your life.

Also, Sister, no matter how bad any situation gets, know that this difficulty too will pass. Sister, just as the sun sets in the evening, so it is sure that the time of sadness passes as well. And just as the sun rises in the morning, so it is sure that the time of happiness will come as well. However, just be patient and wait for it, as everything happens in the time Allah appoints.

Finally, learn to trust in Allah’s Infinite Compassion, Mercy, and Wisdom...for then no matter what happens...you will never find yourself the loser in any of life’s transactions.

If I have said anything that is good and true, it is from Allah, and anything other than that is my own mistake.