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Thread: My In-Laws Make Me Feel Like I Am Nothing

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    Default My In-Laws Make Me Feel Like I Am Nothing

    I am an Australian convert and am married (religiously) to my lebanese husband who I will legally marry in September this year. I converted back in April 2011 and was engaged in May. Since being engaged my in laws have made life very difficult for me. For the first 6 months of being engaged and getting Katb el-Kitab my husband and I moved out of home for the first time. His family where not happy at all and didnít give me the time of day. I never even received a mabrook(congratulations) on my marriage, my husbandís father attended the mosque and my husband had to tell him to congratulate me but no one else in the family congratulated me. I soon became close with my husbandís sister in law and she was very open and honest with me and told me of all these hurtful things that were said about me, his Mother would cry to people in the family and family friends and tell them she doesnít want me, and for his brothers to convince him to not marry me and go to Lebanon and find a Lebanese girl. On many occasions my husband and I went to the parents house to talk to her and she would just deny it or when I wasnít there tell him I wonít cook for him, I wonít clean for him because im Australian. After a while I confronted her about all the harsh things she had said about me and she just kept denying it to me and claiming to not of said anything. I told her I will do my best to look after my husband and I do work full time but afte that I still come home every day and cook his dinner, wash his clothes, clean our house, make his work lunch and I may not be as good as her with cooking but I try my absolute hardest with no help whatsoever, but that still meant nothing to her, in her eyes I was Australian so I was not good enough. I tried my hardest to ignore the negative words and still went to their house even though I knew everyone hated me, I went to her for help before I converted to teach me things and she never did so I learnt everything on my own from books, once I had converted I went to her to help me prey and still to this day she has never taught me anything.

    After pushing myself on the family and making effort to go and visit even though I felt so uncomfortable and would leave the house in tears every time because I felt so unwelcome and like I was absolute scum and not worthy enough things calmed down and they opened up to see the real me but in saying that I am still looked down upon. I am treated like outsider, the parents expect their daughters husbands to help around the house and for their daughters to say no to their husbands when they ask for things to teach them to do it themselves, but with me I canít I have to do it all on my own because ďits differentĒ, everytime I see his mother she is always telling me my husband has to listen to her because she is his mother and I understand that but I am not trying to replace her but I donít need her to try and mark her power on me, I am his wife and what choices we make in life is between us, I am happy for guidance and opinions but everytime we discuss things we always have negative feedback, they say they will help us with things and then the time comes and we donít get any help we just get negative comments. Our wedding is this year and I donít think his parents would even know the date or even remember we are having one.

    My family have paid for over half of our wedding, when we got engaged and religiously married we received cards and money congratulating us yet his family couldnít even give me that 1 word and that hurt me so much! When we moved out together my family helped us move yet his family never even came over or offered any help. I find it really hard with them because of the harsh words that where said about me, hearing your husbands parents are talking to people and crying to them to convince him to not marry you is so painful. I have tried my hardest and I feel like my husband doesnít understand my hurt and does not support me. If my family where to talk horrible of him I would be the first to defend him and stop it but my husband doesnít really do anything just asks me to ignore it. I donít know how to deal with this sort of situation anymore because I feel like such an outcast and like my whole life im never going to be good enough. Maybe his other feels like she has lost a son when she should feel like she has gained a daughter because thatís how my family feel. So Iím really struggling and have noone to turn to who understands.


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    Senior Member nur11's Avatar
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    Default Re: My In-Laws Make Me Feel Like I Am Nothing

    Assalaam-Alaikum Sister

    I am not surprise by this ...I was told once by a Palestinian lady that when a Arab man marry a western woman that the family feel as if there is a death in the family.And yes she was a practicing Muslim.
    Muslims can talk all the brotherhood talk all they want but...
    I do feel your husband should stand up for you but i do agree with him that you should try to ignore it.But he should try to keep you apart from them if its this bad and it sounds like it is.Allah hates oppression.
    May Allah make things better for you and try to continue to do the right thing,maybe they will come around...if not your reward is with Allah.
    Take advantage of a good opportunity when the door opens, for you never know when it will close again


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    Default Re: My In-Laws Make Me Feel Like I Am Nothing

    Thank you, I think he just likes me to keep forcing myself on them because he doesnt want to become distant from them but I feel on the inside that he would always put them before me. I feel like he doesnt put a stop to things that have been said or even confronted his family to try and why they did it and atleast now show me some respect and treat me as if they would their daughters. My family is very kind and loving, there very open people and never have doubts they are just supportive of any choice I made including converting and they are all christain but still noone tried to stop me or make me feel like I shouldnt be doing it, they where happy and said whatever makes me happy so to see my husbands family I feel like theyare very closed and negative and are all about there own happiness and if things dont happen the way they say then they cause a whole heap of drama. The wemon mostly all talk about each other, and argue when where all family weather we like it or not so we should all stick together buts like everyone has to be better than everyone and its a competition for power. I suppose being a ocnvert and not brought us with an arabic back ground it also impatcs on me because im trying to learn as well but dont have anyone to help me or to turn to. I understand I need to ignore most things and just suck it up but to what extent, is it going to take them to pretty much spit on me before my Husband realises the effect its having on my life and my hapiness. Being my husband shouldnt he see the hurt it causes me and be greatful for putting myself in peoples homes who disrespect me an dhave spoken to everyone they possibly can about me.


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    Senior Member nur11's Avatar
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    Default Re: My In-Laws Make Me Feel Like I Am Nothing

    Quote Originally Posted by Allyse View Post
    Thank you, I think he just likes me to keep forcing myself on them because he doesnt want to become distant from them but I feel on the inside that he would always put them before me. I feel like he doesnt put a stop to things that have been said or even confronted his family to try and why they did it and atleast now show me some respect and treat me as if they would their daughters. My family is very kind and loving, there very open people and never have doubts they are just supportive of any choice I made including converting and they are all christain but still noone tried to stop me or make me feel like I shouldnt be doing it, they where happy and said whatever makes me happy so to see my husbands family I feel like theyare very closed and negative and are all about there own happiness and if things dont happen the way they say then they cause a whole heap of drama. The wemon mostly all talk about each other, and argue when where all family weather we like it or not so we should all stick together buts like everyone has to be better than everyone and its a competition for power. I suppose being a ocnvert and not brought us with an arabic back ground it also impatcs on me because im trying to learn as well but dont have anyone to help me or to turn to. I understand I need to ignore most things and just suck it up but to what extent, is it going to take them to pretty much spit on me before my Husband realises the effect its having on my life and my hapiness. Being my husband shouldnt he see the hurt it causes me and be greatful for putting myself in peoples homes who disrespect me an dhave spoken to everyone they possibly can about me.

    These do not sound like people one needs to be around too much...they do not sound religious at all.Try to explain the situation to him and how horrible these people conduct affects you.If he have a heart he should get it.Or maybe you both need to talk to a Imam or wise elder.That may help.May Allah guide and make things easy for you.Ameen
    Take advantage of a good opportunity when the door opens, for you never know when it will close again


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    Default Re: My In-Laws Make Me Feel Like I Am Nothing

    Assalamualaikum sister Allyse:

    Welcome to you and congratulations on your conversion and on your marriage.

    I agree with sister Nur: "... Allah hates oppression. May Allah make things better for you [ameen] and try to continue to do the right thing, maybe they will come around...if not your reward is with Allah."

    I hope these suggestions also prove helpful:
    • perhaps you and your husband could do with some counselling? I noticed some mosques (at least in Canada) now have counselling available and I wonder if you and your husband might benefit from such a service?
    • it is probably best to ask your sister-in-law to no longer carry news of ill talk to you as it serves no good purpose other than to bring you down.
    • remain constant in your prayers and insha'Allah you will find guidance and peace in your marriage and with your in-laws.
    • Also, there are some additional prayers that might prove helpful for you. I will see if I can find something and post it here but perhaps others will do so too.
    • last but not least... keep smiling and try to focus your energies on the positive aspects of your marriage.


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    Senior Member Acacia's Avatar
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    Default Re: My In-Laws Make Me Feel Like I Am Nothing

    Also, if your husband grew up in the type of family environment as you've described, he may not 'get' why you are so upset - it sounds like it is the norm in his family. Also, it sounds like he doesn't know what to do... perhaps he is hoping that you will get used to the in-laws and that they will get used to you and somehow, at some point, everyone will meet somewhere in the middle? In any case, you might have to be a little more direct with him in making it very clear to him how you feel etc.

    (By the way, this is not an Arab only phenomenon... in-law jokes are probably a part of every culture out there. Furthermore, the type of behaviour you are encountering is not, as sister Nur has pointed out, in keeping with Islam at all.)

    Here is a question and answer (fatwa) that may be helpful for you: http://askimam.org/fatwa/fatwa.php?a...02257686f5a916
    Last edited by Acacia; 20-02-2012 at 01:47 AM.


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    Default Re: My In-Laws Make Me Feel Like I Am Nothing

    Quote Originally Posted by Allyse View Post
    Thank you, I think he just likes me to keep forcing myself on them because he doesnt want to become distant from them but I feel on the inside that he would always put them before me. I feel like he doesnt put a stop to things that have been said or even confronted his family to try and why they did it and atleast now show me some respect and treat me as if they would their daughters. My family is very kind and loving, there very open people and never have doubts they are just supportive of any choice I made including converting and they are all christain but still noone tried to stop me or make me feel like I shouldnt be doing it, they where happy and said whatever makes me happy so to see my husbands family I feel like theyare very closed and negative and are all about there own happiness and if things dont happen the way they say then they cause a whole heap of drama. The wemon mostly all talk about each other, and argue when where all family weather we like it or not so we should all stick together buts like everyone has to be better than everyone and its a competition for power. I suppose being a ocnvert and not brought us with an arabic back ground it also impatcs on me because im trying to learn as well but dont have anyone to help me or to turn to. I understand I need to ignore most things and just suck it up but to what extent, is it going to take them to pretty much spit on me before my Husband realises the effect its having on my life and my hapiness. Being my husband shouldnt he see the hurt it causes me and be greatful for putting myself in peoples homes who disrespect me an dhave spoken to everyone they possibly can about me.

    Bismihee Ta'aala

    Asalamualaikum.

    Dear Sister,

    Your situation is very sad, but don't worry insha Allah everything will get better. Right now your in-laws may be neglecting you, but with time they will accept you insha Allah. Be patient and make dua to Allah (SWT) that they welcome you with open arms. Be the best wife you can be and the best daughter-in-law no matter how they treat you. Good manners never go un-noticed.

    It maybe best to stay a little distant from them for the time being. Like the other sisters on here said, try get some counseling with your husband. Insha Allah hopefully he will understand your situation.

    Remember be patient and have full faith in Allah (SWT). Never give up hope. Make constant dua, and trust in Allah (SWT). Insha Allah all will be better. Remember Allah (SWT) tests those whom he loves.


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    Senior Member Acacia's Avatar
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    Default Re: My In-Laws Make Me Feel Like I Am Nothing

    Here is a thread on SF with some supplications you might find useful: http://www.sunniforum.com/forum/show...ight=dua+water


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    Senior Member Maripat's Avatar
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    Default Re: My In-Laws Make Me Feel Like I Am Nothing

    Australia is to the east of our country (actually south-east) but for us it is west - I hope you understand the connotation.
    Western social structure and values and quite different from eastern.
    Once the marriage has happened both parties have to try to build a bridge - there is no other way to fill the gap.
    Your husband is the only person who can persuade your in-laws to extend their efforts in this direction.
    I assure you he will have his limitations. In all probability he is thinking or at least assuming (and you shall be fuming on this for this equals taking you for granted) that you shall manage it somehow.
    Give a thought how much and what you would like your in-laws to mold and then request your husband that you need this much from them.
    I hope he can manage the requisite support for you.

    I doubt that your in-laws think that you are worthless. Both Muslim and eastern psychology is slightly different from that. There is a possibility of you turning into a gem of the family but it needs the dexterity. If there is any Elder (Shaikh) having relationship with the family then he might do something. I hope there is one. If not a scholar of Islam would be good to seek help from.

    May Allah(SWT) guide us all on the right path.


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    Default Re: My In-Laws Make Me Feel Like I Am Nothing

    Bismillah
    This will pass in time. They can't let go their cultural baggage. I am surprised you are getting this from lebanese of all people. They have liking for europeans. I can imagine your husbends parents are first generation immigrants and as such they often become hyper cultural due to fear of losing their cultural point of reference. In time they wll come to accept. But you have to do your part by proving your conduct and mannersim befits a good muslimah and not only by name only.
    Scholar says marriage is test. So this is your first one and inshallah you will pass with flying colour. May Allah grant you and your family haitun taiyabah.
    Allahualam


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