My Mum doesn't respect me.

[Umrah]

Asalamualaikum,

My problem is that my Mother doesn't respect me and she's manipulative, oppressive and abusive. Here are a couple of reasons why:
1. She won't let me have my privacy. I often need to be alone in my room to study or do homework, but she's always coming in for no reason. I always try to calmly explain to her that I need to be alone and she ignores me. And the more she ignores me, the more I try to tell her, and naturally, the more I try to tell her, she gets more angry and calls me "Stupid bitch". But when I lose my temper, she goes "STOP IT!"...yet she won't stop being irritating herself. I'm sick of it.
2. At those similar situations when she gets angry at me, she bans me from the Internet. I always have homework that has got to do with the Internet and she knows that, but she doesn't care. She takes pleasure in knowing that she's disrupting my education, and even as a form of punishment, she says "If you be good, I'll let you do your homework."
3. She acts like a psycho most of the time. When she's angry with me, she shouts at me and glares at me, and becomes really scary. I don't mean this in a way that most Mothers do it, but she starts acting really creepy. I mean, she starts muttering things, she suddenly becomes selfish and self-centered, she always saying stressful things like "I can't take this, I'm going to kick you out one day." and she hits me and pulls my hair.
4. She manipulates me. Every time she abuses me and I retaliate, she says "STOP doing that, I'm the Mother, I'm allowed to insult you and disrespect you, you have to respect that and you have to respect your parents, Allah is very angry with you right now." And then she tells me that I'm a horrible person, ironically she tries to tell me that I'M abusive and manipulative, that I'm evil, that I'm not a good person and that Allah hates me. And she always tells me "I won't get into trouble with Allah if I disrespect you, but IF you disrespect me, you will go to Hell."
5. Every time I talk to her about my feelings, she judges me. She says "You're feeling this way because you're selfish etc etc". She thinks she knows me so well, but the truth is, I've been hiding my true self from her and this is the exact reason why.
6. She always tries to tell me that she does everything for me and made loads of sacrifices for me. But in reality, all she gave me were material needs, she never fulfilled my emotional needs or even considered my sensitivity.
7. Another way she makes me feel unloved and unappreciated, she acts really kind to my brother, who half the time, doesn't understand what is going on and cannot really tell when anyone disrespects him so he allows my Mum to manipulate him. This is because he is mildly autistic and she takes advantage of this. She tells him kind words, hugs him and kisses him in front of me and is always telling me "He is a lot better than you". And she acts surprised when I tell her that she loves my brother more than she loves me, she always tells me, "I never said that, stop being stupid!" Yet she knows perfectly well what she is doing. I am really sick of her deludedness and the way she thinks she is perfect.

Naturally, from all of this happening, I go mad, I go hysterical, I cry, I scream. I say to my parents, "You are stressing me out, you aren't normal parents, you won't leave me alone in peace, you're horrible, you're oppressive, you won't let me be successful, you try to make me fail at school etc"
But then they hypocritically say, "Stop shouting at us, talk in peace!" They always blame me but they NEVER blame themselves and they NEVER say sorry.
It really drives me mad when they say that because they do not talk to me with respect and dignity either and even when they talk in a calm manner, they still don't say what I'd call "sane" words. They give me advice, but they do not follow the advice themselves. Examples are "Be more calm", "Stop trying to scare us and make us nervous".

The best words to describe them are hypocritical, deluded, oppressive, arrogant, manipulative....and the list can go on. Overall, because of her, I really began to hate myself and believe all the things she says to me. I feel that I'm a terrible person undeserving of anyone's love. I swear, all those times I've cried in my life, most of those tears were because of them. And when I cry, my Dad sees me and says "Stupid girl, feeling sorry for herself."


Surely, it's haram for parents to behave this way? It's been damaging my iman when I get thoughts in my head saying "Surely Allah cannot be a good person if He doesn't provide a punishment in the afterlife for the behaviour of my parents, and if He allows parents to disrespect their children".

[muslimsister101]

Wa Salaam

Try to be patient with your parents..this is very important.This may be your paradise.Try NOT to judge them harshly for Allah knows best what is in their hearts.Try to calm down and try to respect them as much as possible ..Turn to Allah continously for patience and help.May Allah make things easy for you as only he can.Ameen

[kakarot_999]

Asalamualaikum,

My problem is that my Mother doesn't respect me and she's manipulative, oppressive and abusive. Here are a couple of reasons why:
1. She won't let me have my privacy. I often need to be alone in my room to study or do homework, but she's always coming in for no reason. I always try to calmly explain to her that I need to be alone and she ignores me. And the more she ignores me, the more I try to tell her, and naturally, the more I try to tell her, she gets more angry and calls me "Stupid bitch". But when I lose my temper, she goes "STOP IT!"...yet she won't stop being irritating herself. I'm sick of it.
2. At those similar situations when she gets angry at me, she bans me from the Internet. I always have homework that has got to do with the Internet and she knows that, but she doesn't care. She takes pleasure in knowing that she's disrupting my education, and even as a form of punishment, she says "If you be good, I'll let you do your homework."
3. She acts like a psycho most of the time. When she's angry with me, she shouts at me and glares at me, and becomes really scary. I don't mean this in a way that most Mothers do it, but she starts acting really creepy. I mean, she starts muttering things, she suddenly becomes selfish and self-centered, she always saying stressful things like "I can't take this, I'm going to kick you out one day." and she hits me and pulls my hair.
4. She manipulates me. Every time she abuses me and I retaliate, she says "STOP doing that, I'm the Mother, I'm allowed to insult you and disrespect you, you have to respect that and you have to respect your parents, Allah is very angry with you right now." And then she tells me that I'm a horrible person, ironically she tries to tell me that I'M abusive and manipulative, that I'm evil, that I'm not a good person and that Allah hates me. And she always tells me "I won't get into trouble with Allah if I disrespect you, but IF you disrespect me, you will go to Hell."
5. Every time I talk to her about my feelings, she judges me. She says "You're feeling this way because you're selfish etc etc". She thinks she knows me so well, but the truth is, I've been hiding my true self from her and this is the exact reason why.
6. She always tries to tell me that she does everything for me and made loads of sacrifices for me. But in reality, all she gave me were material needs, she never fulfilled my emotional needs or even considered my sensitivity.
7. Another way she makes me feel unloved and unappreciated, she acts really kind to my brother, who half the time, doesn't understand what is going on and cannot really tell when anyone disrespects him so he allows my Mum to manipulate him. This is because he is mildly autistic and she takes advantage of this. She tells him kind words, hugs him and kisses him in front of me and is always telling me "He is a lot better than you". And she acts surprised when I tell her that she loves my brother more than she loves me, she always tells me, "I never said that, stop being stupid!" Yet she knows perfectly well what she is doing. I am really sick of her deludedness and the way she thinks she is perfect.

Naturally, from all of this happening, I go mad, I go hysterical, I cry, I scream. I say to my parents, "You are stressing me out, you aren't normal parents, you won't leave me alone in peace, you're horrible, you're oppressive, you won't let me be successful, you try to make me fail at school etc"
But then they hypocritically say, "Stop shouting at us, talk in peace!" They always blame me but they NEVER blame themselves and they NEVER say sorry.
It really drives me mad when they say that because they do not talk to me with respect and dignity either and even when they talk in a calm manner, they still don't say what I'd call "sane" words. They give me advice, but they do not follow the advice themselves. Examples are "Be more calm", "Stop trying to scare us and make us nervous".

The best words to describe them are hypocritical, deluded, oppressive, arrogant, manipulative....and the list can go on. Overall, because of her, I really began to hate myself and believe all the things she says to me. I feel that I'm a terrible person undeserving of anyone's love. I swear, all those times I've cried in my life, most of those tears were because of them. And when I cry, my Dad sees me and says "Stupid girl, feeling sorry for herself."


Surely, it's haram for parents to behave this way? It's been damaging my iman when I get thoughts in my head saying "Surely Allah cannot be a good person if He doesn't provide a punishment in the afterlife for the behaviour of my parents, and if He allows parents to disrespect their children".

Salaamu alaiykum wa rahmatullah
Oh boy! It's one of those things again. Okay ukhti, listen carefully and ponder about this question:
If your mum and dad wanted to make it hard on you, couldn't they have easily done so? I mean at your very young age, you were completely vulnerable and helpless in their hands. If they wanted you to turn out to be a loser, it would've already happened. So it seems strange to me how you even have the ability to know what's right and wrong (which is taught by the parents) and also know what are the objectives of life (which is also taught by the parents), such as doing your homework etc. Look at your body. Are you in any way annorexic or have permanant scars? I can already tell you don't and that means that they fed you well and took care of you well! So, first of all, DON'T THINK YOUR PARENTS WANT TO DESTROY YOU! It's just that they have a wrong understanding of what is required for both your and their safety. They don't let you have your privacy? Maybe because they are afraid you might end up doing something wrong which will cause your destruction? And you trying to reason with her about that will make her angry because you just don't understand. Also, when she bans you from the internet, she is trying to teach you a lesson. And that means taking away something which you won't like, whether that is good or bad e.g. someone goes out to train and they make their parents angry and their parents take that away from him. It doesn't mean they don't want you to not do that, it's just a temporary thing. So she gave you all those material things because she thinks it will make you a more happier and successful being.
The main point I'm trying to make here is not that they are perfect and they won't make mistakes onto you, but that you are also imperfect and have made mistakes towards them and that you are completely ignorant about their intentions. I can tell you that - you can never know their true intentions. Am I calling you forever (in terms of this life) ignorant towards their intent? Well that is more likely than to think when Allah says only Allah knows what's in the hearts as something non-applicable, wal 'ayadubillah.
Finally, you will, whether you accept it or not, will be held accountable for the treatment you gave to your parents. Regardless of what they did (they will also be held accountable, but that won't matter to you on the day of judgement - all you'll say is nafsi nafsi). Look at the example of Ibrahim A.S. and how his father threatened to BURN HIM ALIVE (the most PAINFUL punishment one can suffer in this Earth IMO) if he didn't do SHIRK! What did Ibrahim A.S. do? Did he fight or argue with him? Did he even pray to Allah to destroy him? No. Read what he did.

[munawwarah]

Wa-alaykumus Salaam waRahmatullah

Dear Sister,

1.) It was very sad reading that your relationship with your mum is so strained. However, her behaviour does not justify your behaviour. Whilst, no doubt, it is a very testing situation, but our character is generally always tested with those who are closest. This is where there is a greater demand to exercise patience and tolerance, to be forgiving and overlooking, to requite evil with good, to be gentle and kind. Hard as it may seem, this is what would, Insha-Allah, be a very effective means of solving your problems.

2.) My respected Shaykh (RA) would often say : 'In khidmat, you will get Izzat (respect), In giving love, you will receive love.'

So, Insha-Allah, by serving your mum, assisting her in the work at home, etc. then you will be recipient to her respect. And if you show her love and care, Insha-Allah, her heart will soften and she will respond with love and care. The love of a mother is undying - I don't see her not responding positively, if you play your part as a loving daughter.

3.) You have also got to look at your relationship with Allah Ta'ala : If there is neglect in respect to the Rights of Allah Ta'ala and the Commands of Allah Ta'ala, then we cannot expect a happy, comfortable and peaceful life. Sins and disobedience, in general, invite a life of restlessness. Obedience to Allah Ta'ala invites peace of mind and contentment of heart.

4.) An extract from my respected Shaykh (RA)'s book came to mind and I thought I would share the same with you ... Insha-Allah, it will offer some food for thought, some change in behaviour and some effort to do the right thing.


EXTRACT FROM THE BOOK, "IKHLAAS" by Shaykh Yunus Patel (RA) - www.YunusPatel.co.za

"...So often parents go so far as to take out all their frustrations on their children. This is not right.

Of course this does not give a license for children, “To give as good as they get.”, as is the norm and trend we witness these days, of children influenced by television, cinema, music, various base, corrupt and filthy websites on the Internet, and absolute ‘literary trash’ in the form of novels, magazines, newspapers, comics, etc. Retaliation, bad character and abusive language is not part of the disposition of a good Muslim child.

Nabi (Sallallaahu 'alayhi waSallam) has said : “One who torments his parents will not leave this world till he experiences the punishment of his action.”

A Sahabi (RA) questioned : “What if parents are oppressive towards us.”

Nabi (Sallallaahu 'alayhi waSallam) replied : “Even though they oppress, even though they oppress, even though they oppress.”

Due to our parents nurturing, caring and attending to our various and numerous needs and wants as their children, they have tremendous rights over us. If they are oppressive, then one should resort to dua and sabr (patience).


A STORY TOLD

Allah Ta’ala cites the most perfect example, in the Qur`aan Shareef, of a son’s care, patience and dua for his very oppressive father. In Surah Maryam, Allah Ta’ala makes mention a very touching story in the life of His Khalil (friend), Hazrat Ibraheem (‘Alaihis Salaam) :


“And mention in The Book (i.e. The Qur`aan Shareef) Ibraheem. Verily he was a man of truth, a Prophet.”

When he said to his father: ‘O my father, why do you worship that which hears not, sees not and cannot avail you in anything?’

O my father, Verily there has come to me of knowledge that which came not unto you. So follow me. I will guide you to a straight path.

O my father, Worship not shaytaan. Verily shaytaan has been a rebel against the Most Beneficient (ALLAH).

O my father, Verily I fear lest a torment from the Most Beneficient (ALLAH) overtake you, so that you become a companion of shaytaan (in Jahannum).

He (the father) said: ‘Do you reject my gods, O Ibraheem? If you stop not (this), I will indeed stone you. So get away from me safely before I punish you.’

Ibraheem said : ‘Peace be on you! I will ask forgiveness of my Lord for you. Verily He is unto me, Ever Most Gracious.’”

[Surah Maryam 19 : 41-47]

…Despite the fact that his father was an idol-worshipper, associating partners to his beloved Allah Ta’ala, Hazrat Ibraheem (‘Alaihis Salaam) addressed him gently, with kind and affectionate words, sincerely advising and encouraging his father to the truth.

Added to such a hurtful rejection of his beloved Allah Ta’ala by none other than his own father, Hazrat Ibraheem (‘Alaihis Salaam) had to still contend with harshness, abuse and threats. Yet again, exemplary character surfaces, with Hazrat Ibraheem (‘Alaihis Salaam) overlooking the treatment that his father meted out to him and still making dua for him.

A point to be noted is that it is not permissible to make Dua of Maghfirat (Forgiveness) for Disbelievers. Hazrat Ibraheem’s (‘Alaihis Salaam) dua for his father was made prior to him being informed not to do so.

Nevertheless, Hazrat Ibraheem’s (‘Alaihis Salaam) story presents a beautiful and sufficient lesson in treating parents with kindness, even though they may be disbelievers, or they may be unjust, unfair and oppressive…"

[muslimsister101]

Wa-alaykumus Salaam waRahmatullah

Dear Sister,

1.) It was very sad reading that your relationship with your mum is so strained. However, her behaviour does not justify your behaviour. Whilst, no doubt, it is a very testing situation, but our character is generally always tested with those who are closest. This is where there is a greater demand to exercise patience and tolerance, to be forgiving and overlooking, to requite evil with good, to be gentle and kind. Hard as it may seem, this is what would, Insha-Allah, be a very effective means of solving your problems.

2.) My respected Shaykh (RA) would often say : 'In khidmat, you will get Izzat (respect), In giving love, you will receive love.'

So, Insha-Allah, by serving your mum, assisting her in the work at home, etc. then you will be recipient to her respect. And if you show her love and care, Insha-Allah, her heart will soften and she will respond with love and care. The love of a mother is undying - I don't see her not responding positively, if you play your part as a loving daughter.

3.) You have also got to look at your relationship with Allah Ta'ala : If there is neglect in respect to the Rights of Allah Ta'ala and the Commands of Allah Ta'ala, then we cannot expect a happy, comfortable and peaceful life. Sins and disobedience, in general, invite a life of restlessness. Obedience to Allah Ta'ala invites peace of mind and contentment of heart.

4.) An extract from my respected Shaykh (RA)'s book came to mind and I thought I would share the same with you ... Insha-Allah, it will offer some food for thought, some change in behaviour and some effort to do the right thing.


EXTRACT FROM THE BOOK, "IKHLAAS" by Shaykh Yunus Patel (RA) - www.YunusPatel.co.za

"...So often parents go so far as to take out all their frustrations on their children. This is not right.

Of course this does not give a license for children, “To give as good as they get.”, as is the norm and trend we witness these days, of children influenced by television, cinema, music, various base, corrupt and filthy websites on the Internet, and absolute ‘literary trash’ in the form of novels, magazines, newspapers, comics, etc. Retaliation, bad character and abusive language is not part of the disposition of a good Muslim child.

Nabi (Sallallaahu 'alayhi waSallam) has said : “One who torments his parents will not leave this world till he experiences the punishment of his action.”

A Sahabi (RA) questioned : “What if parents are oppressive towards us.”

Nabi (Sallallaahu 'alayhi waSallam) replied : “Even though they oppress, even though they oppress, even though they oppress.”

Due to our parents nurturing, caring and attending to our various and numerous needs and wants as their children, they have tremendous rights over us. If they are oppressive, then one should resort to dua and sabr (patience).


A STORY TOLD

Allah Ta’ala cites the most perfect example, in the Qur`aan Shareef, of a son’s care, patience and dua for his very oppressive father. In Surah Maryam, Allah Ta’ala makes mention a very touching story in the life of His Khalil (friend), Hazrat Ibraheem (‘Alaihis Salaam) :


“And mention in The Book (i.e. The Qur`aan Shareef) Ibraheem. Verily he was a man of truth, a Prophet.”

When he said to his father: ‘O my father, why do you worship that which hears not, sees not and cannot avail you in anything?’

O my father, Verily there has come to me of knowledge that which came not unto you. So follow me. I will guide you to a straight path.

O my father, Worship not shaytaan. Verily shaytaan has been a rebel against the Most Beneficient (ALLAH).

O my father, Verily I fear lest a torment from the Most Beneficient (ALLAH) overtake you, so that you become a companion of shaytaan (in Jahannum).

He (the father) said: ‘Do you reject my gods, O Ibraheem? If you stop not (this), I will indeed stone you. So get away from me safely before I punish you.’

Ibraheem said : ‘Peace be on you! I will ask forgiveness of my Lord for you. Verily He is unto me, Ever Most Gracious.’”

[Surah Maryam 19 : 41-47]

…Despite the fact that his father was an idol-worshipper, associating partners to his beloved Allah Ta’ala, Hazrat Ibraheem (‘Alaihis Salaam) addressed him gently, with kind and affectionate words, sincerely advising and encouraging his father to the truth.

Added to such a hurtful rejection of his beloved Allah Ta’ala by none other than his own father, Hazrat Ibraheem (‘Alaihis Salaam) had to still contend with harshness, abuse and threats. Yet again, exemplary character surfaces, with Hazrat Ibraheem (‘Alaihis Salaam) overlooking the treatment that his father meted out to him and still making dua for him.

A point to be noted is that it is not permissible to make Dua of Maghfirat (Forgiveness) for Disbelievers. Hazrat Ibraheem’s (‘Alaihis Salaam) dua for his father was made prior to him being informed not to do so.

Nevertheless, Hazrat Ibraheem’s (‘Alaihis Salaam) story presents a beautiful and sufficient lesson in treating parents with kindness, even though they may be disbelievers, or they may be unjust, unfair and oppressive…"

JazakAllah kyran Sister...some very wise advice..Marsha Allah

[Ahmed]

a true story related in ramadhan in masjid after asar..by a great scholar

a king had 400 maids for his mum,the son/king gave her every comfort ,the mother was always moaning despite all this..

a few years went by and the king had died,one of the maids was in the market and saw a beggar woman,she was shocked to see the mother of the dead king as the beggar
she asked her how she came to beg..the reply was honest and humble

my son gave me everything yet i moaned
allah took my son from me,all our wealth from us
i moaned and belittled him ..it is my fault
i even moaned of only 400 maids

i have got what i deserve

[Ahmed]

Asalamualaikum,

My problem is that my Mother doesn't respect me , she gets more angry and calls me "Stupid bitch and she hits me and pulls my hair.
4. She manipulates me. Every time she abuses me and I retaliate, she says "STOP doing that, I'm the Mother, I'm allowed to insult you and disrespect you, you have to respect that and you have to respect your parents, Allah is very angry with you right now." And then she tells me that I'm a horrible person, ironically she tries to tell me that I'M abusive and manipulative, that I'm evil, that I'm not a good person and that Allah hates me. And she always tells me "I won't get into trouble with Allah if I disrespect you, but IF you disrespect me, you will go to Hell."



Surely, it's haram for parents to behave this way? It's been damaging my iman when I get thoughts in my head saying "Surely Allah cannot be a good person if He doesn't provide a punishment in the afterlife for the behaviour of my parents, and if He allows parents to disrespect their children".

youre mother needs hidayah,help,parenting skills,psychological help..and youre dad where is he?

youre mothers behaviour is haram according to the information you have given..

may allah improve youre relationship

[muslimsister101]

a true story related in ramadhan in masjid after asar..by a great scholar

a king had 400 maids for his mum,the son/king gave her every comfort ,the mother was always moaning despite all this..

a few years went by and the king had died,one of the maids was in the market and saw a beggar woman,she was shocked to see the mother of the dead king as the beggar
she asked her how she came to beg..the reply was honest and humble

my son gave me everything yet i moaned
allah took my son from me,all our wealth from us
i moaned and belittled him ..it is my fault
i even moaned of only 400 maids

i have got what i deserve

Great lesson about gratitude..JazakAllah kyran for posting.

[kakarot_999]

youre mother needs hidayah,help,parenting skills,psychological help..and youre dad where is he?

youre mothers behaviour is haram according to the information you have given..

may allah improve youre relationship

I think we all know that the mother may be doing bad, but the thing that will benefit the sister is if you tell her to not let that be a means of her own destruction by

[omar2006]

This might help.
http://www.zamzamacademy.com/2012/02...-your-parents/