Help ! Low Self Esteem, Low Self Worth, Low Self Respect Vs Arrogance, Ego and Pride

[MuhammadFarhan]

Dear Bothers & Sisters,
I'm having a difficult time living a healthy life with good self esteem. I suffer with low self esteem which is hindering my worldly as well as spiritual growth. Whenever I try to assure myself that I am as good as other and try to participate in religious gatherings I start thinking that it is not good and I am doing takabbur which is haram and I try and convince myself that all the people there are better than myself.
Since I suffer from low self esteem, this makes the matter worse and makes me withdraw and this further leads to isolation and no spiritual growth. I am having a very difficult time drawing the line between a healthy self worth, healthy self respect and health self esteem vs arrogance, pride and ego.
Time and again telling myself(when with others) that everyone else is or maybe better than me is making the situation worse. I'm not being able to decide how much self worth, self respect and self esteem I should have that is permitted within shariah according to my situation.
If anyone can chip in and help me or point me to a resource with this relevant topic which would help me draw the line between the two, it would be really nice of you.
May Allah Taalah give Khair to all of you for reading.
Farhan.

[kakarot_999]

Dear Bothers & Sisters,
I'm having a difficult time living a healthy life with good self esteem. I suffer with low self esteem which is hindering my worldly as well as spiritual growth. Whenever I try to assure myself that I am as good as other and try to participate in religious gatherings I start thinking that it is not good and I am doing takabbur which is haram and I try and convince myself that all the people there are better than myself.
Since I suffer from low self esteem, this makes the matter worse and makes me withdraw and this further leads to isolation and no spiritual growth. I am having a very difficult time drawing the line between a healthy self worth, healthy self respect and health self esteem vs arrogance, pride and ego.
Time and again telling myself(when with others) that everyone else is or maybe better than me is making the situation worse. I'm not being able to decide how much self worth, self respect and self esteem I should have that is permitted within shariah according to my situation.
If anyone can chip in and help me or point me to a resource with this relevant topic which would help me draw the line between the two, it would be really nice of you.
May Allah Taalah give Khair to all of you for reading.
Farhan.

That is why akhi we should learn knowledge for it is like a helping companion at times of need. Sometimes we learn that the easy way and sometimes the hard way. I will try and aid you because to be honest it is something I believe a lot of us (who don't have well grounded knowledge and conviction, including me) suffer from (hence the advice goes to myself as well). We have to remember that there are two extremes in every aspect of the deen. Either extreme is bad e.g. (from my learning) both overeating and fasting everyday that it deteriotes your physical body is very bad; not praying at all in qiyam and praying all night everyday in qiyam that it deteriotates your body is very bad; not going to the mosque at all and staying in the mosque 24 hours (such that you don't interact with your family or the community) is not good; sacrificing parts of the deen for the dunya such as jobs, school etc. and sacrificing the requirement of money and provision for religiousness (such that you don't have any job or means of attaining money) is not good; getting married to 100 wives and not getting married at all (supposedly a choice of righteousness) is not good etc. (and yes this includes many parts of MODERN tasawuff which I am against) Both extremes will destroy you and both extremes are things which the shaytan wants to drag us to. In your case, there are two extremes: being completely egotistical and proud (as we know that a mustard grain of kibr will be dreadful in yawmal qiyama) and thinking that you are completely worthless (when Allah has honoured you to be a muslim and an example) etc. You have to know one thing - you, as a muslim, are better than any kuffar on the face of this Earth, so don't allow this worthlessness be displayed in front of them as you are the leaders of them. But between believers, then this self worthlessness can be good if you know how to channel the energy properly. If you are one of those who sit at home and cry at how worthless you are and continue your whole life like that, it actually won't do much. However, when you have analysed yourself to be that low then you should work to improve it. Conclusion: Believe that only Allah knows your and everyone else's status and you should strive to make sure you become at the good status (not just sit there and cry about it) - stop comparing yourself to others but rather compare yourself to the prophets and sahaba and then that will give you more convicting worthlessness (rather than a forced pretending one which I know many do) and then that worthlessness should then be in effect among even people around you (because you know that you can't judge them and thus you assume they are good). It takes time to be honest and especially if you hear it from me, when I myself don't have that much knowledge and suffer from it too.

[بنت ارشد]

Dear Bothers & Sisters,
that I am as good as other and try to participate in religious gatherings I start thinking that it is not good and I am doing takabbur which is haram and I try and convince myself that all the people there are better than myself.
.

Brother If you think that you are doing takabbur,that itself indicate you are not doing takabbur.Allah subhanahu ta'ala ,most high is all knower and hear.He knows you are doing for sake of him.Many times these kinds of thoughts comes to mind but always remember one should remember there is nothing wrong if you trying to compete in deeni knowledge.Now don't take my wrong way it is with reference to this:For e.g if someone buys a new car or a house ,we should always make dua for him may allah give him more rather than feeling jealous or wishing for these worldly possession.If someone praying extra nawafil or giving charity one can think of giving more charity but always remember condition just t please allah.You can take these kinds f person for source of inspiration.
Whenever you feel low self esteem talk to your mother.Whenever I upset I always talk to my mother and she always have been my source of inspiration.

[Abu-Rayhan]

brother, you have to think that every muslim is better than you, or else that will be arrogance

and regarding kuffar, you dont think they're better or less better, for it remains to be seen on the day of judgement who dies with imaan and who dies without etc,; there are many kuffar who have not been recieved by a clear mesage of Islam, but their good at heart inshAllah...; maybe in this respect we can even consider ourselves worse than kuffar in that they commit sins in ignorance while we do it knowingly...

thus thinking all others [at least the muslims] are better than you is a must, so changing this thought is not the solution to your problem; your problem lies with lack of confidence; you dont have to think your on the same level as others in order to sit in gatherings with them etc, all you have to do is be confident that you are doing the right thing and that is what Allah is pleased with

one can continue to do zikr and feel good, thus humbleness dont have to one thinking that he's worthless, scum etc, all the time; ofcourse when such a thought arises naturally, [or one can think it in order to subjugate any arrogance he feels] then the correct mental attitude is necessary, but thinking like this all the time may foster too much self unworthiness thoughts in them resulting in lack of confidence too, hence dont think about this aspect too much and just try to be happy, do zikr and remain in good spirits; like this negative thoUghts [that make you wanna leave religious gatherings] wont occur


ps; i used to think that i'm being pretty humble in my thoughts such as above, untill i read a book by a great scholar and sufi; maulana zakariya khandelwi; in it he said, that one shoUld not mind if their called a pig, for one should think he's worse than a pig

[kakarot_999]

brother, you have to think that every muslim is better than you, or else that will be arrogance
ps; i used to think that i'm being pretty humble in my thoughts such as above, untill i read a book by a great scholar and sufi; maulana zakariya khandelwi; in it he said, that one shoUld not mind if their called a pig, for one should think he's worse than a pig

Wait. Why? Why should I think I'm worse than a pig when Allah has honoured me to be a human. Akhi, such thoughts could take you away from being grateful to Allah SWT. Why don't you accept Allah's blessing and be thankful for it? My god akhi. Becareful to not be among those who try and walk the sirat themselves. You must join with the jama'ah and the scholars as MUSLIM and not have your own little group who think they are the most right. I don't have enough knowledge to say what this thinking is correct or not but I had a natural repulsion towards it on the first read and that's why I posted that.
EDIT: There is no one who is more humble than the prophet Muhammad PBUH and I never heard anyone say he PBUH said such a thing (please can you find this out for me) and he is our FIRST example (not Maulana Zakariya Khandelwi (RA) with all due respect) and then the Sahaba. That is why I was a bit put off.

[Abu-Rayhan]

Wait. Why? Why should I think I'm worse than a pig when Allah has honoured me to be a human.

this is the essence of humility br., only with true humility can we be higher than other creatures:


The reality is that the nafs (self) is obsessed with its greatness. It wishes to sanctify itself and this is precisely the cause of all evils and the reason behind the downfall of one’s dunya and Akhirah. For this reason, the auliya-allah crush the urge from their nafs for greatness and praise, and are happy to see something that distresses their nafs and humiliates it, especially in public.


the reality of humility is that one feels himself so wretched that the level of his rank or status never even crosses his mind. From head to toe, he thinks of himself as vile. If a person truly feels this way about himself he will never lay claim to anything, neither humility nor any good quality, because such a claim indicates he is cognizant of his high status.

The reality is that both of these two, teacher and student (i.e., Maulana Qasim Naunutwi and Shaikh-ul-Hind), were always looking for ways to lower themselves, to crush their nafs, and to establish humility in themselves. They fled from places where arrogance, vanity, popularity, exaltedness, and self-independence increase and where it is easy to fall victim to the nafs. They didn’t just talk self-deprecatingly like we do. We say kamtareen khalaaiq (the worst of creation), sagg-i-dunya (a dog of this dunya), zarr-i bi miqdar (worthless granule), naabkar (useless), nangi khalaaik (the destitute of creation) and ascribe other similar epithets to ourselves all the time. But all these ascriptions are sanctimonious because the meanings of these words have no relation to the condition of our hearts. In fact, we think quite the opposite, that ‘Hamm chuman deegra naist’ (‘we are everything, nothing else but us exists’), and because of this we find faults in others by criticizing and backbiting them. If we ever hear praise of our contemporaries, a fire ignites within us and we begin looking for their faults. We try to relegate this person amongst the people. If anyone ever calls us illiterate, useless, an ass, a dog, or a pig we are consumed by a fire. If we were true to our ascription, kamtareen khalaaik (the worst of creation), creation), then why does it offend us when someone calls us an ass or a dog? After all, they are also amongst the creation.

http://attahawi.files.wordpress.com/...ndivisible.pdf

[kakarot_999]

this is the essence of humility br., only with true humility can we be higher than other creatures:


The reality is that the nafs (self) is obsessed with its greatness. It wishes to sanctify itself and this is precisely the cause of all evils and the reason behind the downfall of one’s dunya and Akhirah. For this reason, the auliya-allah crush the urge from their nafs for greatness and praise, and are happy to see something that distresses their nafs and humiliates it, especially in public.


the reality of humility is that one feels himself so wretched that the level of his rank or status never even crosses his mind. From head to toe, he thinks of himself as vile. If a person truly feels this way about himself he will never lay claim to anything, neither humility nor any good quality, because such a claim indicates he is cognizant of his high status.

The reality is that both of these two, teacher and student (i.e., Maulana Qasim Naunutwi and Shaikh-ul-Hind), were always looking for ways to lower themselves, to crush their nafs, and to establish humility in themselves. They fled from places where arrogance, vanity, popularity, exaltedness, and self-independence increase and where it is easy to fall victim to the nafs. They didn’t just talk self-deprecatingly like we do. We say kamtareen khalaaiq (the worst of creation), sagg-i-dunya (a dog of this dunya), zarr-i bi miqdar (worthless granule), naabkar (useless), nangi khalaaik (the destitute of creation) and ascribe other similar epithets to ourselves all the time. But all these ascriptions are sanctimonious because the meanings of these words have no relation to the condition of our hearts. In fact, we think quite the opposite, that ‘Hamm chuman deegra naist’ (‘we are everything, nothing else but us exists’), and because of this we find faults in others by criticizing and backbiting them. If we ever hear praise of our contemporaries, a fire ignites within us and we begin looking for their faults. We try to relegate this person amongst the people. If anyone ever calls us illiterate, useless, an ass, a dog, or a pig we are consumed by a fire. If we were true to our ascription, kamtareen khalaaik (the worst of creation), creation), then why does it offend us when someone calls us an ass or a dog? After all, they are also amongst the creation.

http://attahawi.files.wordpress.com/...ndivisible.pdf

Akhi, but you missed out on my other points. Can you please tend to them so that I may get a different perspective of things? Jazakallahu khaiyrun

[Abu-Rayhan]

Akhi, but you missed out on my other points. Can you please tend to them so that I may get a different perspective of things? Jazakallahu khaiyrun

br. i'm not sure if such a principle is mentioned directly from hadith, but if you go into that link above and read the final chapter; arrogance the mother of all deseases; some hadiths are mentioned of the dangers of arrogance and other scholarly reasonings are there; also if we use a little common sense br. and compare our sinful selves with the sinless animals, how can we say were better than them; yes Allah has enobled us, but the real worth is in the state of heart of the creatures and in this respect the animals beat us hands down! :$; only when any of us get to heaven, then maybe we can consider ourselves better than other creatures...,

even an iota of arrogance towards kuffar can destroy the greatest of wali-Allah, here is one example:

Shaikh Abu Abdullah Andlusi was one of the akabir of the auliya-allah. Many khanqahs ran under his auspices, hundreds of madaris operated under his name, and he had thousands of students and disciples. It was the end of 200 A.H. and only 200 years had elapsed since the Blessed Prophet passed away. It is as if the era of khair-ul-quroon still existed. It is said that he had over 12,000 murideen. Once he went on a journey accompanied by great shuyukh and ulama like Junaid Baghdadi and Hadhrat Shibli. Hadhrat Shibli says:

Our caravan was moving peacefully and with the blessings of Allah . Then we passed by a Christian village. There was little time left for salah and we could not find water in the village. There was a small well on the outskirts of this village where some women were filling their buckets with water. As soon as the Shaikh (Abu Abdullah Andlusi) saw one of the women his situation changed. Shaikh bowed his head and he stopped eating, drinking, and talking to anyone for three whole days.

We were worried and depressed. On the third day, I gathered the courage to say, ‘O Shaikh, thousands of your murideen are worried about your condition.’ Shaikh turned towards everyone and said,

My friends, how long am I going to hide my problem from you? The day before yesterday, I saw this girl and my love for her has overwhelmed me to the extent that it has gripped my limbs and body. Now it is impossible for me to leave here.’

I replied,

O Shaikh, you are the shaikh of Iraq and are renowned for your austerity, your asceticism, and your wealth of knowledge. The number of your murideen exceeds 12,000. By the Quran, please do not disgrace us and everyone here. Shaikh replied, “My friend, your and my fate are foreordained by Allah . The wilayat (closeness to Allah ) has been taken from me and the signs of guidance removed.’ Saying O Shaikh, you are the shaikh of Iraq and are renowned for your austerity, your asceticism, and your wealth of knowledge. The number of your murideen exceeds 12,000. By the Quran, please do not disgrace us and everyone here.

Shaikh replied,

“My friend, your and my fate are foreordained by Allah . The wilayat (closeness to Allah ) has been taken from me and the signs of guidance removed.’

Saying this, he began to cry and said, ‘O my people, my destiny is running its course, nothing is in my control.’

We were struck by this statement and began to cry in anguish. The shaikh began crying with us and soon the earth became wet with the flood of our tears. After this, we had no choice but to return to Baghdad. The shaikh’s murideen in Baghdad were devastated when we explained the whole situation to them. Some of them died in shock and grief then and there. Most of them began begging Allah and pleading with Him that, ‘O Changer of hearts, show the shaikh guidance and return him back to his original state.’ After this, all the khanqahs shut down and we spent an entire year in pain and anguish without our shaikh.

After the year passed, the murideen decided to make a trip to shaikh and find out about his condition. Where is he and how is he doing? Thus, one group of murideen traveled to the village and asked the people the whereabouts of their shaikh. They told us, ‘He is grazing the pigs in the jungle.’ We thought, ‘O Allah, what is happening!’ The village people explained, ‘The shaikh was engaged to the daughter of our chief. Her father accepted the engagement under this condition (i.e., he would graze the pigs) and now he is grazing the pigs.’ We were astonished and were about to drown in our sorrow and grief. Tears began flowing from our eyes and we were barely able to suppress our emotions when we reached the outer edges of the jungle where the shaikh was grazing pigs. We saw the shaikh: he was wearing a Christian cap on his head and a girdle around his waist, he was leaning on the stick which he leaned on during khutbas and speeches, as he oversaw the pigs. The scene was like salt on our wounds. When shaikh saw us walking towards him he looked down. When we came close, we said, ‘Assalamu alaikum,’ and he softly replied, ‘Walaikum assalam.’” Shibli said, ‘O Shaikh, look at your condition after all the knowledge, greatness, and hadith and tafsir.’ Shaikh replied,

‘O my brothers, I am not my control, my Maula (Creator) did what He wished with me and after bringing me close, when He wished, He threw me away from His door. Who can avoid what He has destined for you. O my friends fear the Wrath of Allah, don’t ever become arrogant about your knowledge and status.’

Then he looked towards the sky and said, ‘O my Maula, I did not think You would do such a thing and throw me out Your door.’ Saying this, he began crying and begging for help from Allah and said, ‘O Shibli, learn from others!’ Shibli cried and supplicated,

‘O our Rabb, we ask none but You for help and in everything we put our trust in You. Please remove this hardship from us. There is none but You who can lift this hardship from us.’

Hearing our pleas and crying, the pigs gathered around us and began squealing. The shaikh was also sobbing. Shibli said, ‘Shaikh you were hafiz of Quran and recited theQuran in the seven qirat (recitations). Do you remember any now?’ The shaikh replied, ‘O friend, I do not remember anything from the Quran except two ayaat. The first is,

Whosoever Allah humiliates, there is no one to give him respect. Verily Allah does whatever he wishes.173

And the second ayah is,

Whoever chooses kufr in place of iman, verily he has deviated from the straight path.174

Shibli asked, “O Shaikh, you knew 30,000 ahadith with the chains of transmission and could recall them instantly. Do you remember anything from theahadith?’ The shaikh said, ‘I only remember one hadith,

‘Whoever changes his Deen, execute him.’’

Shibli says:

“Seeing this condition of the sheikh, we decided to return to Baghdad. We had only traveled a short distance when on the third day, we saw the shaikh in front of us, emerging from the bank of a river where he had bathed. He was loudly pronouncing and repeating the kalimah,
اشھد ان لا الھ الا الله و اشھد ان محمد رسول الله

Only the person who felt our pain and anguish before this could understand our joy at that moment. Afterwards, we asked the sheikh, ‘Was there some reason behind all this?’ The shaikh replied,

‘Yes, when we stopped by this village we passed by temples and churches. When I saw fire-worshippers and Christians worshipping something besides Allah , I felt arrogance in my heart that, ‘We are mumineen, believers in the one Creator. Look at these ignorant and foolish people who worship inanimate and unintelligent beings.’ Immediately, I heard a voice from the Unseen that, ‘This iman and belief in the Oneness of Allah is not attained by your efforts, it is granted by Our Will. Do you think your iman is in your hands that you look down upon others? If you wish We will prove it to you right now (that iman is by My will).’ At that moment, I felt as if a bird flew from my heart which in reality was my iman.’”

This arrogance is dangerous it brought down a shaikh of shuyukh.
May Allah by His Grace and Mercy save us from this deadly disease. Ameen.

[kakarot_999]

also if we use a little common sense br.

Akhi, that's not how you approach things. I agree that arrogance is dangerous and we should be humble no doubt. But saying that we're worse than pigs etc. is something controversial to me and wallahi the prophet Muhammad PBUH was the most humble among everybody and if there's anybody worthy of representing the peak of humbleness it would be him PBUH. And that story didn't seem like arrogance. It seemed more like he was poisoned by an arrow of shaytan by looking at that women. But when he said that it is part of his fate and he is in no control, he is either not in his senses or he is lying. That's exactly what Iblis said "Because you misguided me...(to Allah wal 'ayadubillah)"
Ameen to your du'a.

[Abu-Rayhan]

Akhi, that's not how you approach things.

thats the most basic usage of aql br; i'm sure ahlus sunnah use a bit of aql with the naql too; it's only salafi's that use only naql, so i'm assuming your the latter?